Is this normal for little boys?

[Pinkgirl1986]

My partner snapped badly at me today. I don't see the issue and I'm looking for opinions. He has 2 kids to 2 women and one of them doesn't have a mother as she abuses drugs and alcohol, therefore he has custody. His children are 7 and 3 year old boys. The 3 year old wanted to play at a certain part of the park, his dad (my partner) said no not yet, finish your sandwich first. Anyway the 7 year old said 'yeah finish your sandwich or I'll beat you up' then the 3 year old obviously turned round and said that he would punch him as he was obviously being influenced by that kind of talk. The 7 year old then responded with ill put you in the bin, that's where you belong. And anyway the conversation was a good 3 minutes of violent talk but in a childish-harmless kind of way but still thinks like I will punch you and beat you up. Anyway, the 7 year old doesn't have a mother. I am a mother myself but my child is too young to talk and my motherly instinct was to say 'that's not a very nice conversation to have boys' my partner soon jumped down my neck saying 'erm they love each other and they're joking they're not little thugs going yeah yeah I'm going to knock you out' and I said I know but however talking like this to each other is, well harmless, but what if they take this talk to the playground or think it is acceptable to talk like that? He said that's how little boys talk and I was wrong. Maybe I am wrong? I know little boys play fight and do all the boysturous stuff but I was just a little uncomfortable listening to little children talking about how they will beat each other up. Maybe I'm too sensitive and I understand kids should be kids but is violent talk necessary? Please correct me if I am wrong. I feel really embarrassed and was just feeling protective and motherly in some ways. I'd say it if I was my own child talking to a sibling like that. I'd just say that's not very nice. TIA x

That sounds quite tame to be honest. It's just sibling stuff and at some point you'll learn where to pick your battles.

Thank you - I wonder if it's just because I've never had a sibling myself and aren't used to older children as yet. I apologised to him and didn't mean no harm in my comment. Just feel guilty so that's why I've come here to see what people's opinions are x

Really @ArnoldBee?

OP I completely disagree & while my teen DD's threaten each other with death on a regular basis over clothes/shoes/straighteners/make up I certainly wouldn't find a 7yo telling a 3yo to eat a sandwich or they'd beat them up acceptable!

Firstly because as the adult I'll be the one explaining that the 3yo will need to finish lunch before playing in the park - I can't stand kids who involve themselves in the discipline/chastising of or explaining things to younger children when the adults should be doing so.

Secondly because that's just an awful thing to say.

I'm one of 9 & we've had a variety of sibling arguments/fights over the years but what you describe isn't a sibling thing it's an older child who needs to learn what's acceptable behaviour & language towards their sibling.

Given the age & stage difference I'd be discussing why your DP thinks that was acceptable and I'd be questioning his parenting skills if he didn't shut that down instantly.

I think you were quite right

You didn’t shout at them or punish them you just pointed out that their language wasn’t good and it wasn’t.
Kids of that age threatening to beat each other up isn’t great and even if it’s done in a very kiddy way I’d still correct it.
As you said if they say that at school it won’t go unnoticed

Is your DP normally so quick to correct you? You sound very gentle and a bit scared of him?

@NatashaAlianovaRomanova

Yes - the 7 year old then 10 minutes later (after going off an playing alone together) was crying saying his 3 year old sibling was being nasty to him and saying nasty things. My partner just said 'he's not he's 3 year old'. However he wasn't there to hear what was going on.
My partner is an ex boxer, army, fighter type guy. He says that I will raise wimpy children and he aims to make a family name recognised and have lads that can 'stick up for themselves'. I understand his point but I wouldn't like my child to be 3 years old talking about punching his brother. Or 7 for that matter.
The 3 year old lives with his mum. Apparently the nursery have called and asked if he is exposed to violent games like fortnite as he has been running around the playground pretending to hold a gun. I just feel at 3 years old it should be paw patrol and cuddly bears not guns, fortnite and violent talk? I said to my partner as long as he isn't physically hurting kids in the playground then I guess just to keep an eye on it because it's making guns seem normal to a developing child and I can't imagine the parents of every 3 year old at that nursery will want their children exposed to that? But again this could be me.
I'm just worried about these kids being an influence on my child? They're not bad kids by any means (from what I've seen) but of course one child has quite a disturbed upbringing up to the age of 5 and the other child lives with his mum but she's just had a baby to a man who apparently once raped someone and is quite the criminal...

I'd have said the same as you OP. It's not ideal, I wouldn't have liked my boys saying things like that to each other and I'd have pulled them up on it
Having said that the thing I'd be watching for is how relaxed they are when they're saying these things. If they're smiling and giggling it could be a "one up" sibling conversation which is a sort of bonding. Still a bit off with their ages really :/ but I recall telling my big sister I hoped she got stolen by a robber and I bloody meant it when I was 6 or 7. Hopefully in time they can bond over arguing about books/games/opinions - that depends on all sorts of factors.

If one or both are getting intense and upset during this sort of banter then that's a bit more worrying. It sounds like they've had a hard time of it and they're lucky to have you as a reasonable adult/voice of reason in you to help them deal with situations in a less antagonistic way. Their dad might not see it the same way but your view is valid.

@Whatevskev
Thank you for your reply. I am a little bit scared. Not of violence but I've had a very hard relationship with him. He is always quick to correct me and criticise. Even down to not being able to get an appointment at my hairdressers - his response was it must be my fault they aren't booking me in and so on and I intend to do another post later because I'm so confused.
And yes I just pointed out their language in the hope that his motherless 7 year old would see me as an adult mother figure in his life that is gentle and concerned and can be trusted. If I let him do and say what he wants then I aren't being a good step mum. And my tone was very upbeat and playful if that makes sense. But he didn't think it was an issue because they weren't swearing or beating anyone else up but my point was If they're allowed to talk like this now, it becomes the norm until it is playground talk, or fights in the playground... etc

Just read your update. It sounds like the three year old isn't a problem child or owt. He's a consequence of his early years and/or just parroting what they've seen but that doesn't mean they understand it. He needs lots of love and support as does the elder boy. Your partner sounds a bit scary tbh. It's a complex situation but honestly boys don't 'need' to be like that, in fact it'll just lead to crap relationships and a fearfulness of the world.

I have 2 boys similar ages and they do not say stuff like this at all!
They mostly make poo jokes and love guns and the idea of violence tho
I guess it depends how you were brought up? To me that’s vulgar and common. X

He sounds awful. The term is toxic masculinity. Run OP. The hills are that way. This isn't going to be a nice trip.

Your partner has two children by two other women (plus a third with you?)

One of whom was abusive and neglectful to her child

One of whom doesn't seem to be particularly serious on supervision or ensuring the safety of herself or children..

Partner is quick to criticize you and snap at you - in front of the children

7yo feels he has authority in the house

Partner seems very effected by toxic masculinity

Partner does not sound like he is kind and loving to you at all
Comes with a lot of baggage
Is effecting your self esteem

What are you getting out of being with him?

@ItStartedWithAKiss241
Well I was brought up well by my mother, no siblings, no father but from a common area and went to a very common school. I was a problem child and I believe it was based on the influence at school. This is why I am so concerned about what kids are exposed to. I believe if I would have been around better people where stealing cars at 15 wasn't 'cool' then I believe I'd have done better. I obviously followed the crowd and I guess that's why I find anything like this disturbing because I know how it can send one down a totally different path at a young age. And I don't want the same exposure or need to fit in for any child in my life. I want them to be kids and feel safe and happy. X

@ItStartedWithAKiss241 oh and for the record I've never stolen a car haha I just mean that was what the kids in class used to brag about. The boys usually. Because their fathers thought being tough was good. This is why I want to avoid anything like this as the children grow up x

He says that I will raise wimpy children and he aims to make a family name recognised and have lads that can 'stick up for themselves'.

And this is precisely why his kids are already turning into little thugs, aged 3 and 7. OP, get away from this toxic man. I feel really sorry for his kids growing up around such a bell end as he sounds, but I would not be raising a DC around any of them.

And no, that sort of talk is NOT normal and I'm a mum of two boys, so I've heard it all. You were absolutely right to say what you did (I'd have said the same). Your DP is an aggressive idiot.

Not remotely normal or acceptable.

1. it is not for the 7 year old to intervene and parent the 3 year old when the adult is parenting. He needs to be gently told, daddy is dealing with this, you don’t need to interfere
2. the language is wholly unacceptable and this whole ‘boys will be boys’ is awfully old fashioned and very toxic. No 7 year old should be saying that so confidently to a 3 year old in front of an adult. It’s bullying behaviour and thoroughly unacceptable even amongst siblings.

If my eldest ever spoke to his youngest siblings in this manner he’d be pulled up immediately. They squabble, bicker, name call and physically engage (rugby tackles etc), but a threat like that has never been exchanged between them in my earshot. Ever.

@sassbott
Thank you - if you read one of my replies to another poster you will see that I've mentioned that 10 minutes later (after playing alone) the 7 year old ran over to his dad saying the 3 year old was being mean and saying nasty stuff to him. His dad replied 'he isn't. He's 3 years old'. But he couldn't hear? It instantly crossed my mind that it was likely he had said something, based on the 'banter' the kids were having while we were eating our tea. I don't think boys should be made to feel like they have to be tough - I think it's a decision they will make as they grow. I just was saying the comment with the best intentions really. Thinking kids should be kids and don't need to know of such negative talk yet. I just fear that if it's allowed now, they'll become accustom to that talk and behaviour and not turn out very nice... of course I'm not telling him how to parent, but as his partner and a step mother I just want to create a nice environment. It's virtually impossible though. I can never do or say the right thing. X

@Yeahsurewhatever
My child isn't his - I did fall pregnant to him since having my child (not too long ago so still quite a sensitive subject) but I had a termination as he was nasty about the pregnancy because I confided in family. He told me I wasn't capable of the child as I'd suffered post natal anxiety but he was apparently capable and he left me to suffer the physical and mental affects alone, at home, with a baby. Now he actually said he wanted to take my child on and wanted to raise him - as his father is not on the scene (we split when pregnant), so I felt secure with him. I'd known him for a couple of years before we got together. but it's been a case of over the past 12 months, whenever I haven't jumped to his tune, I get punished, insulted and shouted at. I've given my fair share back mind but most of the time I darent speak for saying the wrong thing. He's knocked me down but has made me believe I have him. It's a long winded, difficult topic. One where I have recently been questioning if I am in some form or an abusive relationship or if I am just a crap mum, crap girlfriend so on... funny thing is he admits to being nasty to me but it's my fault x

It’s abusive

Please don’t accept this
Talk to women’s aid
Get out
Stay away

For gods sake keep your child away from this man

@Whatevskev thanks - I do my best to already. I've had question marks for a very long time now. A lot of our problems stem from him wanting me to move in with him when my son was 3 months old. To which I declined. It's been horrible since then - like I say leaving me alone through a termination of his child and me physically and mentally suffering alone but I find it difficult to leave because I feel like if I leave now I'm broken, like he's made me feel I am constantly in the wrong. I've said and done my bits too but mostly in self defence. He holds that against me and I really do feel I am at fault. Now I'm wondering if I felt like I had to do this post now for the wrong reasons? Because I always feel I am wrong. X

I'm sorry OP, he really doesn't sound very nice. That stuff about wanting the family name to be recognised and not wanting to raise "wimpy" children is really worrying.

I think you need to leave for you (he's abusive) and your child. Do you want your baby growing up being threatened or thinking its ok to threaten people?
Do you want him to be scared of crying and wanting hugs because he's a boy? Or feel ashamed of carrying a teddy bear around?
And no its not ok for a 7 year old to threaten to beat up anyone (or anyone else to threaten people).

@negomi90 he lets his little boy have cuddles and teddy's and is very loving towards him but also thinks that slapping is ok. I don't. He only slaps when his child is acting up and he is in a bad mood. Apparently he asked his child to do something and his child said 'no - I'll hit you' and so he slapped his child hard and he ran off crying to bed. This, he told me over the phone. I said why would you do that and he said that his son said he was going to slap him. I said SOOOO he's a child! But it was my fault for putting him in a mood.
Today, after his disagreement, when we left the park his child was swinging on the gate. He said come on now - child didn't listen, so he said it again through gritted teeth and grabbed his arm. His son said why did you pinch me and he said 'Lorna was waiting to get through and would be annoyed with you swinging on the gate' but that made no sense
He is highly opinated and judgmental of mums. He says women who can't breastfeed are weak. It's their fault. I said please stand in the middle or mother care and say that you'll get an army of women at you. He also says things like it's pathetic for a woman to face anxiety after birth etc. He constantly puts my parenting down and when I've spoken to friends who are parents I've realised my worries are not just me and my friends too and he says we're all pathetic and weak. X

Speaking as a mum of boys, no it’s not just how boys are. Kids shouldn’t be talking like that to each other. If mine ever begin to talk like that to each other I shut it down quickly.

It just doesn’t sound nice at all, whether the words are acted on or not. It’s still aggressive. Imagine being in somewhere like a supermarket or on a bus where people are more likely to hear them. How embarrassing. And the more they’re encouraged to speak like that the more they’re going to go through life thinking it’s normal.

As with any children, it’s the adults’ job to guide them. The 7 year has been through a lot with his mum, but that’s no excuse to start saying stuff like that. His dad is still capable of teaching him how to talk properly and appropriately to people. Their dad shouldn’t be shrugging it all off and he should listen to your concerns.

So many red flags OP. You seriously need to consider your future with this man. I wish you well.

I have a 3 year old and a 7 year old and they bicker a lot. I am really quite hard on the older one as I'm protective of the younger one. How they are spoken to matters, doesn't it. I would have intervened too OP.