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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to support bullied DSS

25 replies

chesci · 31/08/2019 17:52

DSD (12) has long been bullied by DSS (16). DH has tried to come down hard on DSS but he just holed up in his room and waits to go back to his mothers. DSD has endured years of being called fat, ugly and being physically pushed around. He will sit on her when she's on the sofa and then when she struggles to get out from under him start hitting her. He is constantly in her space trying to trip her or pushing her. He happily told us he had "silenced" her and that she knows better than to ask for help now.

She's the most laid back kid I've ever met. She has never retaliated until this year. Apparently he was emptying his bin from his room at his mums and he dumped it over her head and then starting slamming on the sides of it. She saw red and got a knife from the kitchen. Her mum managed to intervene. Their mum told us none of this. According to them this is all because DSD has started her period and is hormonal. It's utterly ridiculous. I feel so bad for DSD. We have offered for her to live with us but she won't leave her mum/change school. I really just don't know how to help her. It's been 8 years of this going on. I'm really starting to hate DSS and don't even want him around. I just don't know how best to support DSD.

OP posts:

Giggles89 · 31/08/2019 22:34

I'm sorry I really do not know what to say to help you but I do know that if i had a 16year old behaving like this towards anyone under my roof he would be out of the door, he is practically an adult and that level of physical violence has to have consequences.

Qwerty09876 · 31/08/2019 22:40

Poor DSD all I can advise is keep walkathons your doing for her, you sound like her rock, As for DSS I would refuse to have him around especially when DSD is that simple! He's 16 and until he behaves appropriately then no sorry! At least then DSD is having a break from the immature idiot and that will help her more
Hope this helps

MrsP2015 · 31/08/2019 22:57

Glad she has you on her side.

See it like this, if this was a lad at school doing this to her, he'd be reported to the Police, and rightly so.
It seems that everyone is doing the 'it's sibling stuff' and it needs stopping ASAP otherwise chances are sd will end up in a relationship with someone who is like her brother.

He needs serious consequences. If he dont follow your rules and respect his family, he leaves/ his dad contacts someone to ask for some kind of help for ss.
He needs to have phone, Xbox, tablet, tv taken away. Let him kick off. He needs to learn.
Depending on if he behaves badly to others or just his sister depends on who he speaks to/ asks for help.

On the flip side there's something going on for ss, is he possibly being bullied? Has he had his own issues or reasons to be jealous of his sister- does mum or dad treat them differently?

Original poster

chesci · 01/09/2019 09:12

I wondered if there's a adolescent version of the freedom program or similar? It's just all so awful and has gone on for so long. I really worry what type of man she will end up with.

OP posts:

negomi90 · 01/09/2019 11:15

Keep doors open for DSD. Dad and you need to come down hard whenever you see or hear DSS being mean to her. It doesn't matter if he goes on holes up in his room. She's the important one, and she'll see you (and more importantly her dad) sticking up for her and showing her that its not ok for her to be treated like he's doing.
Whatever she thinks about her mum and where she wants to live, knowing that she has support will make a huge difference.

Also tell her that if she ever wants to talk to you or someone outside the family, she can. Childline have really good resources, and you could offer her the chance to use you or her dad's phone of computer to talk to them in confidence (without her mum seeing it in her phone history).
www.childline.org.uk

Keep doors open, always challenge DSS (and her) if they are mean and if she wants to come to you, let her on her own time.

Original poster

chesci · 01/09/2019 12:49

Childline is a good idea @negomi90. Thank you. It's been dismissed as "they are just kids scrapping" but it's always been one way and she has always been physically so much smaller. I wish we could help him too. He's not looking like he's going to be a very pleasant man.

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 01/09/2019 14:49

Agreed.

He would not be welcome in my home.

RubbingHimSourly · 01/09/2019 14:53

He's assaulting her. I'd be getting the police involved.

Raphael34 · 01/09/2019 14:56

He’s mentally and physically abusing his sister. Their mother is allowing the abuse. What’s going to happen to this poor little girl when she finally snaps and sticks the knife on him next time? You NEED to get social services involved. Their mother needs to know how serious this is

Okurrrrrrrr · 02/09/2019 10:34

He's 16 ffs. I've arrested younger boys for less. It also classes as a domestic assault. She is being domestically abused and has been for a long time it seems. This is way more than siblings squabbling. The fact he's said he's 'silenced' her is messed up.

pikapikachu · 02/09/2019 13:55

Wtf is wrong with dss? I have children with that age gap. They squabble but it would never get physical as the physical difference is so big. How does he get along with his peers? My teens would be massively at any peer bullying someone much smaller than them. A boy doing that to a younger girl would be even more judged by them. It's so far from normal siblings fighting.

TwentyEight12 · 02/09/2019 17:01

What are the consequences currently given to DSS when he behaves like this?

If he is continuing to behave like this, perhaps the discipline is either not enough or not working any longer and may need to be reassessed?

Original poster

chesci · 02/09/2019 19:09

@TwentyEight12 I feel like DH is letting a lot of the low level stuff go now or it's just a constant battle. In the past he's taken his phone away or his gaming computer. DSS will simply hide in his room until it's time to go back to his mother's where she will give everything back. DSD has asked us not to take his things away because he then takes it out on her at her mother's.

OP posts:

TwentyEight12 · 02/09/2019 19:26

Ahhhhh.

Ok, then this is a battle you will never ever win as the mother and the father are opposing each other in their styles of parenting. DH is not strong enough and BM is deludedly allowing abuse in her own family.

It is only 2 years away now that DSS will be 18 years old and will face criminal charges/convictions for his behaviour. Not long now... hold on.

If DSD does not want to live with you and remove herself from the abuse, that is up to her. She is not a teenager with nowhere to go, she has the choice there if she should choose it. There isn’t anything more you can do than keep the door open.

I’m very sorry. I see and hear about parents nurturing the next generation of abuse on a weekly basis. I have personally witnessed it in a Step environment also. Personally, I feel the overall quality of parenting has declined drastically over the last decade at least. It’s pretty abysmal.

I hope you can find healthy ways to cope.

Okurrrrrrrr · 02/09/2019 20:16

It is only 2 years away now that DSS will be 18 years old and will face criminal charges/convictions for his behaviour. Not long now... hold on

He already will. The definition of a domestic is 16 years +. He sounds like a vile bully, the parents are badly letting your DSD down.

TwentyEight12 · 02/09/2019 20:50

@Okurrrrrrr

I do love it when people comment on other posters comments but then go onto give absolutely no constructive advice themselves.

Clearly my point got missed. The point being that when he is 18years old he will be an adult by law but she will only be 14years old and a child by law. Thus, surely threatening this to him and/or having to use it, could be the way to stop this. It won’t matter at this point with regards to whether they are siblings or not and he will not be able to hide behind his mother or being a child any longer because the law simply does not allow it.

Okurrrrrrrr · 03/09/2019 19:28

Okay @twentyeight12, you are wrong, he is already treated as an adult in law (and domestic legislation) but okay.

I hope you get it sorted OP. I'm sorry you're going through this

TwentyEight12 · 03/09/2019 20:02

@Okurrrrrrr

I will accept that I am wrong. In order to educate myself about this and other posters too, where can I find this information? The information I have come across says that at 16yrs old they are not considered an adult and thus wouldn’t be charged for such offences. I am confused.

Can you shed some light please?

TwentyEight12 · 03/09/2019 20:08

Ah I’ve just found it!

I’ve found it on the CPS website:

‘Domestic abuse, or domestic violence, is defined across Government as any incident of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of their gender or sexuality.’

www.cps.gov.uk/domestic-abuse

To the OP, Okurrrrrrr is correct... but I don’t know how you would persuade DSD to do something about it.

Perhaps it would be worth showing DH the website?

Pricedrop · 03/09/2019 20:12

at that age, I would call the police on him. he is going to be vile as a grown man, you would be doing him a favour

Pricedrop · 03/09/2019 20:15

and/or, invite DSD to live with you full-time and ban DSS from your house

Pricedrop · 03/09/2019 20:19

or just ban DSS from your house. DSD probably won't want to leave her mother? but at least that way, your house is a safe haven

she needs SOME adult in her life to acknowledge that she is being abused and take steps to protect her. Otherwise she will never be able to recognise what is being done to her is abuse/is unacceptable. and she won't have the courage to walk away from abuse or disallow for herself

TwentyEight12 · 03/09/2019 20:27

@Okurrrrrrrr

Oh, perhaps that isn’t right. It says ‘between those aged 16 or over’. So does that mean it doesn’t apply because DSD is 12 years old and DSS is 16 years old? Confused more than ever now

Pricedrop · 03/09/2019 20:30

16 year olds can be convicted of crimes. you can go to prison at age 15. he is assaulting and abusing her, which are crimes

Lucylou321 · 03/09/2019 20:51

Hate to be pedantic but it's not a domestic incident as they're not both over 16. It's still very much an assault though and he is over the age of criminal responsibility though so can be held to account for the crime he commits. This would probably rely on DSD wanting the police involved though as I doubt police would take it any further without a supportive victim.

Aside from the legal side of things I certainly wouldn't have him under my roof. He sounds vile. Sorry.

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