New to this - heeeeeelp!

[MorethanSage]

I’ve been with my DP for 18 months and we are serious about spending the rest of our lives together, although we know it’s going to be difficult to achieve anything even resembling cohabitation any time soon.

Things are very difficult because his horribly acrimonious divorce is taking a while to conclude - his Ex is basically an abusive nightmare. It’s a DV case with police involvement. Long story... I can go into that if necessary but not the main reason for this post.

He has a DD who is 13 and very confused / conflicted. She has limited knowledge of the extent of her mother’s abuse of her father and has been ‘coached’ into rejecting me and my two children. Consequently she’s only met us twice in 18 months. After both occasions her mother went nuts and fed her a pack of lies about us.

Recently there was an important work event / party for her Dad - meaning we both needed to attend. At the beginning of the party she completely blanked me so I decided to be polite and pleasant regardless - I went over and said hello and told her that she looked lovely. She didn’t respond so I made my excuses and went off to speak to other people / backed off.

My DP was upset about her reaction and spoke to her - asked her to be nice to me basically. Soon after she came over and was reasonably pleasant. At the same time she was all over her Dad in a very clingy and vocal way - constantly saying she loved him and kept on kissing him. I know that this is a lovely thing for them to have a close relationship - but it did seem a bit OTT / a ’performance’ in front of me.

It’s clear she’s finding this situation very difficult. I’ve done nothing ‘wrong’ other than exist basically. Clearly there’s some jealousy there too.

I’m just finding this SO hard to deal with. My natural instincts are to be nice and try to get to know my DP’s child and welcome her into our lives.

Advice please - new to all this - please be kind. Thank you.

How long have they been separated in total?

Try to see it from her perspective. In the space of a couple of years, she’s witnessed her family home (even if it was an abusive one) broken down, then her Father (who, if the mother is abusive, was possibly the only positive or stable fixture in her life) move on and within 18 months is very committed - we are serious about spending the rest of our lives together with someone else, who is, a complete stranger to her. She has only met you twice (even though as you have explained this is out of your control) you have your own children. She has probably compared the relationship you have with your children, to the one she has with her mother. I’m imagining they are vastly different.

Regardless of what her mother has been saying to her, all that above in itself is completely mind blowing to a girl who is also in the hellish throes of puberty.

Honestly, with the DV too, this is a situation you need to be extremely careful with. Your DP will need to facilitate this, through the divorce and agreed contact time. Building it up slowly. Look into getting her professional counselling too, as no doubt her home life will have damaged her understanding of healthy relationships.

My advice would be to avoid being with him when he is with his daughter. You don’t need to be, you don’t need to live with him. Just carry on dating him and forget about any notions of trying to blend your families.

Does your partner have custody? Is he going for custody if it was violence and abuse.
Itt doesn't sound like she's safe at home. I'd worry about that first.

It was a coercive / abusive relationship in which is Ex started having casual relationships about 5 years ago. They separated but lived in different rooms of the same house for the first two years. For the last three they have lived apart but he has joint parental responsibility and looks after his daughter about 10/12 days a month. His Ex prevented him from moving on with his life but still wanted the same support financially and childcare while she was working ...and for him to not have another ‘proper’ relationship until their daughter was 18.

When he met me things got much worse and verbal abuse became far worse, culminating in a violent incident in which the police were called and his Ex spent the night in police custody. His daughter knows nothing of this. He didn’t press charges but started the divorce immediately and has tried to avoid seeing her face to face since. He receives nasty phone calls and abusive texts almost daily. The divorce has been out of court so far - mediation has failed now - she’s not negotiating and clearly wants to string the process out for as long as possible. I think court is inevitable and advised this months ago - but he was reluctant.

I agree about backing off and not seeing her for the time being. This only happened the other day because of the nature of an important event. I wasn’t going to just ignore her though. That would have been wrong.

We are resigned to living apart for a few years as this situation is so dire. I just don’t know what, if anything, I should be trying to do.

He tried to arrange counselling for her a few months ago after the violent incident but his Ex refused and she needed to sign a permission form. She also told their Daughter she didn’t need it.

I think as long as their Daughter is ‘compliant’ with her opinion, she’s perfectly safe. Anyone who disagrees with his Ex receives abuse and/or is excommunicated.

The best advice I can give you is to go slow. Thirteen is a difficult time for any child and an acrimonious divorce makes it much worse.

Don't expect her to like you right away. Play it low key and friendly. Talk to her about neutral topics. Do not get involved, in any way, in criticizing her Mum. Try to work out the issues arising from the divorce privately with her Dad and never in front of her.

I know this sounds like a cop out, but try not to get involved in discipline or consequences with her. Leave that to Dad. Of course you can be part of setting reasonable rules and limits, but try to avoid being the disciplinarian.

The slightest thing can be a huge trigger for a child in her position.

Try to anticipate little things she may need help with, like packing a lunch for school. I found this type of thing a good way to build trust and familiarity. As an example, I spent many hours drilling one of boys on his times tables, and the capitals of Europe. I know it helped build a relationship with him.

I speak from experience after 30 years of step parenting. I made mistakes but the above can be the worst. I have a warm and loving relationship with my stepsons now, and am treated no differently than any other parent by the "kids" and their families.

It will be hard work sometimes but you can succeed if you take it slow and remember that she has a Mom and that she loves her Mom and will not react well to you criticizing her Mom. Be fair and balanced.

Good luck with it. Step parenting is not easy but you can reap huge rewards.

Gosh this is a very ugly situation.

I agree with everything tryingtobebetterallthetime has advised.

It will take time, patience, tolerance, understanding and kindness to build a relationship with her.

Some children take to new partners immediately and some do not. In my experience, they took to me immediately and then changed their minds as their mother did her worst.

As the relationship is incredibly acrimonious between the two parents, this may have a domino effect on how well your relationship goes with the child. I’m afraid that this is common but I do think it’s right that you should know this so that you can prepare yourself as much as possible, should it go this way.

I think you’ve made a wonderful start and how you have approached her so far sounds good.

Her reactive behaviour towards her father, as in the clinginess, is most likely because she perceives you as a threat. Basically, you represent change which some children do find threatening. As she is an only child too, perhaps she is used to just having the attention of her father to herself and therefore doesn’t know and perhaps does not like the thought of having to share that attention. But she did pretty well, she didn’t react very well to you to begin with, then her father had a talk with her, she listened to him and she responded to what he asked. That’s a good sign.

Essentially, it will be down to how her father parents her with regard to you that will make the difference as to how she reacts/responds to you and the quality of life you will have in the new step/blended family dynamic.

Ideally, you two will get on like a house on fire and your relationship/friendship will blossom. However, this doesn’t always happen. Personally, I believe that the children do not have to like you as liking another is a personal choice, but they should be civil and respectful towards you, just as they would be with anyone else.

Good luck

Awful age, take your time. Looking back on what I did wrong/right, I wouldn’t have any contact with her at all at the moment. It’s far too complicated. Just don’t rush this relationship. It could get really stressful. I don’t want to say run! But if you my friend I think I would. Sorry.

OP maybe you're description of the situation is spot on, but I can assure you that his coming across as the poor victim of an abusive ex who has coerced his children and teaching her children to hate the new partner is extremely common in the early stage of a relationship and only very rarely the true representation of the situation. The reality of it usually comes to light after a few more years.

but I can assure you that his coming across as the poor victim of an abusive ex who has coerced his children and teaching her children to hate the new partner is extremely common in the early stage of a relationship and only very rarely the true representation of the situation

Its not as rare as you think. Also considering the police have been involved its obvious that op isnt basing her opinion of this woman on gossip or hearsay.

Op i would back off. You obviously care a lot about this girl but i think you almost have to let her come to you.

Id just try and be available and kind. Try not to be offended by her actions because is likely not personal at all. Try and ignore the ex because shes after a reaction.

In terms of a future together, don't allow your children to be exposed to a step sibling who has been coached to hate them.

Adults have a choice in having a stepchild, children don't. Always have your kids wellbeing as your priority.

All helpful advice thank you

Swingofthings - he is definateky not lying or exaggerating. The police have been involved and I have now heard numerous accounts from former mutual friends. If anything he has played it down to me. He is shamed by being a male victim of domestic abuse.

I agree about letting her come to me. The event last week was unusual. I think it went as well as can be expected.

Agh, OP, none of this is your fault.

SDD has landed on her feet - you're the only sane female role model she's likely to get, ever. Sooner or later she'll realise. Ignore her being (a bit) tricky. Keep the door open.

More importantly, congrats on your relationship and hope it goes really well for you, despite the first Mrs Rochester scenario.

Thanks @Supersimkin x

Honestly, being a step parent is hard even when your partner and their ex have a relatively harmonious relationship.

With an ex like this I think it would best to avoid living together until DSD and/or you’re kids are adults. As long as the ex is bitter and encouraging their daughter to hate you and your children it’s very likely to be a nightmare I imagine.

Welcome to the wonderful world of step parenting. As you're already a mother, I'm sure your natural instinct is to try and form a connection with your DP DD but this will be difficult.

My advice would be to be pleasant when you see DP DD but do nothing more than you would to any other child you interact with. Don't take things personally and the sooner you realise you have ZERO control over what your DP Ex says and the poison she feeds her DD, the easier it will be for you.

I am in a similar situation with DP Ex however she's super clever and manipulative in order to make her out to be the victim. Luckily the kids are great when I see them but I know they have to withdraw from me due to fear of upsetting their Mum.

I know I can't control the situation so all I do is be myself and nothing more or less.

Yup @ButterflyOne1 that’s pretty much it... I just have to wait for DP DD to mature and figure this out, which she sort of is already. DO Ex is positively rabid about me - with no good reason - and loosing friends rapidly.

Patience.... patience.... patience...