How do I move on

[MeOnScreen]

Hi, was wondering if anyone had any words of 'wisdom'.
I was with my ex from the age of 19 (known each other since we were 16) till the age of 25, and was on and off for about a year after that.
Without going into too much detail he wasn't the best partner to me however he was an absolutely brilliant father to his child.
We broke up over 2 years ago however I can't seem to let it go, I miss his daughter so so much, I knew her from a couple of months until she was 11 and I have such a difficult time dealing with not seeing her again.
Was wondering if anyone has ever dealt with anything similar before and how they dealt with it?
Separation is so much harder with a man who has a child because you don't just lose one person you love.

I’m not in the same position but have a step child whom I has been in my life for 15 years and I would be devastated if I split with his dad and couldn’t see him any more so I can imagine.

I’m assuming it’s not possible for you to have contact- would you be able to write? I imagine it will be hard for her also and nice for her to know you haven’t forgotten about her?

If no contact whatsoever is possible maybe some counselling to work through your feelings. I really do empathise and hope you can find a way through this x

I lost contact with my neice for many reasons. It was incredibly hard. She used to stay over when she was little. I feel your pain. But unfortunately there isn't much you can do. Grieve for the loss of the relationship.

@Trebormints74 I send her cards for birthdays and Christmas's, the last card I got from her was on my birthday when she said she hopes to see me soon, me and her dad where I'm talking terms at the time. The next time I would send her anything would be Xmas but I'm worried that I may be interfering if he has started dating someone new.
Her dad unfortunately Is rather hot and cold and I'm worried how he may react if I was to contact him to ask to see her. I've already missed her primary prom and this has devastated me.
I think counselling may be the best route though.

Like all relationships with anyone, losing that relationship brings about grief. They say that there are several stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

Which stage do you think you are at? It’s been two years since the relationship irretrievably broke down, and whilst there is no magic amount of time or years that denotes how long it will take a person to fully heal from the end of a relationship, if you are stuck in any one of these stages other than the acceptance stage, counselling would be your very best bet to help you through.

I lost my relationship last summer, I was with a man who had 3 children. I was only close to one of the children, the other two weren’t my biggest fans and caused tremendous problems, but that is neither here nor there. I do think about the child but when I do, I remember how happy he was and these memories feel good to me and not bad. I returned to the relationship for a short time and it finally ended early on this year. I would say that I was in the bargaining stage of grief when I returned to the relationship. I have been for counselling myself and it has helped me greatly, I would say that I am now flitting between the depression and acceptance stage of grief.

There wasn’t anything I could have done differently that would have saved the relationship and thus my contact with the child. Nothing. No doubt there wasn’t anything you could have done to have saved your relationship and contact with this child. We are only one part of our relationship dynamics, the other parts are played out by the other party.

I would definitely be a partner to a person with children again. I would just play my part differently. I feel very proud of the input I had in that child’s life and knowing I did my absolute best by him. So perhaps, you could try to change the lens in which you are looking at the relationship with the child. That you were both gifted to each other, that you were there for her in her childhood. She hasn’t forgotten you and neither you, her. When she is older, no doubt she will seek you out.

Thanks @TwentyEight12 that has helped me so much

I think TwentyEight12 post was brilliant.
If you can not let it go, it would be a good idea to seek counseling. Based on what I'm seeing in people who try to keep with past relationship (my sister keeping in touch with exes family despite not having kids, my partner's 2 exes keeping an overly friendly and close relationship with him, my partner's ex keeping a relationship with her son's ex 16 y.o girlfriend because she misses her, etc.), it does create situations with misunderstandings and hurt feelings. She's becoming a teenager and even our own children at that age become less nice and more distant, it could happen with her and if you continue getting attached, it would continue hurting you.
I agree that accepting that you were someone special in this girl's life and feeling proud of it would be a good way to start letting go. For sure, she will remember you fondly and yes, one day, might seek you out.
Concentrate on you and your life. One day, you might have your own children if that's what you would like and give them all your love.

I'm thinking of ending my relationship of around a year. In that time my Daughter and my GF have built up an amazing relationship and I'm really worried about hurting that relationship if I go ahead with it. I love my daughter and I want her to happy and I want her to have people who love her around her. I know it might be weird for future exes if my daughter and ex still have a relationship but to be fair I'm responsible for letting that relationship happen and my daughter having love and support from a good person in her life is more important. I'd honestly ask him if there's anyway that he'd feel comfortable with you having some form of relationship with her that maybe doesn't even have to involve him. I hope you find a solution

@Generalleebored

Your soon to be ex may not want to continue to have a relationship with your daughter or she may. It would be worth finding out from her, how she would like to proceed I think. If they are very close, chances are, she will want to remain open to contact with your daughter and vice versa. If that is the case, it would be great if you could continue to orchestrate that relationship between them so that they have contact.

The feelings of your child are super important but they are not more important than the wishes of others. It’s freedom of choice and all of us have that freedom to choose. Both must be wanting and willing to continue.

All the best