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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Would you be hurt if no message on birthday from stepchild?

17 replies

Heating134 · 26/08/2019 13:17

Feel hurt by this as they hadn’t forgotten as had mentioned it the week before and they were copied into emails that family had sent birthday greetings to. Not bothered about a present or card just would be nice to have a message on the day. Husband dismissive about it.(They also usually send one and when I spoke to them on the phone a couple of days later they also didn’t say anything)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TwentyEight12 · 26/08/2019 13:25

This is a subjective dilemma I think. There are some SMs that would be hurt and some SMs that wouldn’t be.

You are personally hurt by not receiving a message or basically any recognition that your birthday exists. Would it be ok if I pointed at the bigger picture that perhaps is going on in the dynamics that is step parenting? It’s the exclusion side of it isn’t it that really upsets us? The concept of made to be on the outside of everything simply because you are not blood related.

How is the general relationship between your DH and his ex and children? Acrimonious?

Ilikethisone · 26/08/2019 13:29

Depends on age, how close the relationship is, how long you have been their SM.

Dp has an adult son. I wouldnt expect anything. He live out of the country most if the time. We do see him and we get get on really well.

But due to circumstances and the fact that he was an adult when I met him, we dont have a very close bond.

Ilikethisone · 26/08/2019 13:30

Got to be honest, I would probably just skim read 'family email birthday greetings', if at all.

Original poster

Heating134 · 26/08/2019 13:40

No rift or anything. I wouldn’t even have been as hurt if there was no message on the day, but it was the fact that they didn’t acknowledge it either on the phone when we spoke a couple of days later

OP posts:

DuchessOfDukeStreet · 26/08/2019 13:46

How old are they? How important are birthdays within the family? How important are birthdays to you? Are they teens with lots of stuff going on who've genuinely forgotten?

Unless you think it's a deliberate snub - is it? - i would let it go.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/08/2019 13:47

How old are they? Do they treat their dad /other people like this as well or just you?

Belated happy birthday btw

TwentyEight12 · 26/08/2019 14:00

Yes, wishing you a very happy belated birthday!!!
🎂

blackcat86 · 26/08/2019 14:01

Would I care? No, because DSS although a teenager is a minor so it would be unfair of me as an adult to a) make my care for him conditional in anyway, b) make him responsible for any aspect of my happiness c) hold him the same standards as an adult. DSS usually posts something on Facebook but I wouldn't care if he didnt. Unless he's an adult that you've raised for decades then you are overreacting

Robin2323 · 26/08/2019 20:13

One of mine ss does
One doesn't.

Dd doesn't send cards to anyone.
Ds will message.

Makes no odds - I know they love me :)

WitchyMcpooface · 26/08/2019 23:23

Yes it would bother me, it did bother me. Especially as her dad my H would forget her birthday, I’d be the one to remind him buy presents etc. Not a thank you nothing, ungrateful girl. Now I spend my money on gin, fags and holidays without her and it’s great. Money well spent.

Heatup165 · 27/08/2019 00:49

Thanks for responses. Think it hurt me a bit more that my husband was dismissive re my birthday not being acknowledged

user1493413286 · 27/08/2019 09:55

My DSD doesn’t and I find it hurtful. I’m not even sure why she doesn’t as she’s not generally unkind but maybe a bit thoughtless. I think her mum prompts her on other people’s birthdays.

sassbott · 27/08/2019 10:19

It wouldn’t bother me. Some people are all over things like this. Some aren’t. Some people make a big deal out of birthdays. Others cannot understand why such a fuss is made.

Did your husband acknowledge it and get you a gift? Was he thoughtful? If so, IMO, that’s all that matters.

finn1020 · 30/08/2019 12:11

I wouldn’t be bothered.

rosedream · 30/08/2019 12:16

I don't think this has anything to do with you being a SM.

You said he normally does acknowledge your birthday.

I'd say. He forgot even though he mentioned it the week before. (I have done this before I have a hopeless memory at times especially when busy).

Then feels embarrassed and has decided to just say nothing and bury head in sand. Not the best decision but one many take.

SandyY2K · 30/08/2019 21:53

Some kids forget/don't bother to call their own parents.

My DBs don't usually remember, but myself or Dsis will put a message on our siblings group chat as a reminder.

Even when one of us put a message on a couple of days before to send a card...mothers day, birthday...my brothers are the ones who still forget.

My DM and DF don't think they're loved any less if they don't get a card or birthday message.

Although if none of us called, my DM would probably be upset.

Don't take it personally.

Joh66 · 30/08/2019 21:57

Yes, after being married to their father for many years, I finally decided if they can't be bothered to wish me a happy birthday, even by text, then neither could I. I leave it up to their father to send any greetings/presents etc.

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