I don’t know if I’m cut out for this

[Tooconfused123]

So I may be asking to trouble here but I’m struggling and don’t know what to do for the best, so I thought I would give this a go.

I have been in a relationship for just short of a year with a man who is older than me (I’m 26 he’s 34). He has a son from a previous relationship with who he has twice a week.

I have never been someone who is great with children and I can’t see myself wanting any of my own. I know this is something we should of thought about before getting into a relationship but we have been friends for a while before and it just happened without much thought. (Not ideal I know)

I am yet to meet his son (6) although he has suggested it a few times I am just unsure if I could step into a step mother role which I know wouldn’t be expected instantly but eventually it would be so I don’t want to meet with him until I was 100%.

What do you suggest that would be in the best interest of the three of us ?

Thanks in advance

If you know you couldn't be happy with a child in your life walk away now for your sake and theirs. It would be unfair to meet this little boy feeling as you do.

At 26 I would suggest you walk away. Being a stepmum is much harder than being a normal mum so it isn't for everyone (might even suggest it's only for a rare few!).

If you were my daughter I would advise you to move on, plenty of single men at your age
What is the relationship like with his ex?

He is part of your DH, he is innocent. You are doing the right thing in waiting until you are sure.

I have several friends who have never had or wanted children of their own but who make absolutely fantastic step parents.

Ask yourself, do you like children? Or do they all make you uncomfortable? Are there children in your family? How do you feel about them?

DSS is at a lovely age right now and yes, it would be a massive change, as kids have good days and bad days just like everyone does. IMHO the good outweighs the bad, but everyone is different and kids are not just for Christmas.

It is a tricky decision and it is yours to make at your own pace, however DH also has the right to refuse to wait any longer. Discuss the possibility of a further 6 months x

It’s a very rare person who chooses not to have their own children and is prepared to put up with the immense sacrifices you have to make having someone else’s in your life. It can work out but if you stay together long term you’ll end up living together and his son will be ever present. That’s a massive big deal. There’s also always a balance between not meeting the child(ren) till you know it’s going somewhere, and needing to know what your partner is like as a parent. I’ve said it on here before but while I was sure I had a future with my now husband quite quickly and I admired, respected, fancied, loved him, if he’d been a crap father when I saw him with his kids I’d have run a mile. Partly because I knew I wanted my own and if he was rubbish with them he’d be rubbish with mine. So my point is there’s a big chunk of his life you don’t yet know. You might warm to his son straight away and like seeing them together. Or you could find him hugely aggravating and find your boyfriend parents in a way you can’t stand. If it’s the latter the future is murky and you shouldn’t hang around.

And in any case, if you can’t imagine life as a family unit, even in abstract, then it’s right and sensible to call things off now.

My main question? What is his relationship like with his ex/ child’s mother?

Because in these situations, you are not just taking on a child but an ex. And if that relationship is anything other than amicable/ civil? On top of the reservations you already have, I would say run a mile.

So much regarding the child and your future is wholly dependent on the mother, of you were to stay in this relationship and decide to meet the child.

At 26 though? I’d be saying to move on and meet someone who is in a similar situation to you.

I’m a step parent & its the single most stressful thing I have ever experienced in my life!

I love my DH but if I’d known then what I know now I would have run a mile.

Ex-wife drama & a dss damaged by parents break up has been something that has to be experienced to be believed

Thank you for getting back.

I have really thought about the just walk away response and it’s something I have gone over in my mind but he is a good man and really does make me happy. I know this is purely from a selfish perspective but it makes it hard.

In response, I already know he is an amazing dad and he does everything he can for his son. He seems him as often as he can over the two set days a week, he pays well over csa allowance(even though he is struggling with this) but mostly you can just tell due to the way he acts. That’s one thing I don’t doubt at all.

His relationship with the ex is pretty much as good as it could be, so they broke up when there son was 1 and he has had a long term girlfriend between. In my opinion she does sometime play on his good nature for instance if she knows he has plans on a night he hadn’t planned to have his son she will text him to say that he is upset and wants to see him. So my partner goes to see him and he says things like no nothing is wrong just mum said so.
But this is very rare.

I am not categorically saying that I 100% do not want kids it’s just never crossed my mind. I have a two year old niece who means the world to me, I have looked after her for a few hours previously and love spending time with her but I have never been that person cooing over babies and toddlers.

I think the 6 month idea would be a good plan, thank you x

You are still young enough to partner up with someone who doesn’t have children. However, as you don’t want children yourself, you will naturally be looking for a man who doesn’t want children or can’t have children of his own... I don’t know how easy that is but they are out there.

You don’t have to be a ‘Step-Mum’, just because you are in a relationship with a guy who has children. You are the girlfriend to a man who has a child. However, if the guy you are with expects you to be a step parent to his child then this is where conflict could arise. I would suggest that you have a very clear and comprehensive conversation with your boyfriend and ask him about his expectations of you with regards to his son. I would also suggest that you lay down your expectations of him with regards to you in the dynamic of his son.

For example:

Are you willing and is he expecting for you to become the full-time maid, cleaner and cook to himself and his son should you live together?

If his son doesn’t like you or take to you, how is your BF going to handle it? How are you going to handle it? How will he expect you to handle it? Will it mean the end of your relationship?

If his ex (the mother of his son) decides to launch an ongoing war against you, him or both of you (yes I’m afraid this is very common), how is he going to handle that? How does he expect you to handle that? Will he put his foot down and stick up for you? Will he align himself with you and seek out legal representation in a situation where libel, slander and/or defamation of character is occurring?

If his son should begin to like you but then change his mind and start to not come on visits or his mother withholds the son from him... how will your boyfriend handle that? How does he expect you to handle it? Will you be left out of these gatherings/visits? Will he go to court and fight for his son?

If his son should start to become rude, aggressive or abusive towards you, how will your boyfriend handle that? How does he expect you to handle it? What would he do to implement acceptable house and behaviour rules?

This all sounds a deeply unromantic conversation to have with a guy who you are only recently dating. Trust me, go there with him and ask him all these questions and more, because it is probably the single most important conversation you will ever have with him! I mean that sincerely. Please do not allow him to fob you off with ‘it won’t happen’, ‘everything will be ok’ or ‘this is all a bit pessimistic’ or anything that does not give you a clear idea of how complicated or less than ideal situations will be handled by both of you. You do need to know what his expectations are and he needs to tell you what they are.

I think the majority of us who are or have been SMs and didn’t have these conversations with our partners before we stepped into SM shoes, wish we had! I mean that too sincerely.

If you choose to be a SM, any one or a few of the situations I have outlined above can and may happen. They are common. So if they should, you will already know what stance you are to take and what stance he is willing to take.

In my personal experience, boys are easier than girls if you are a Step Mum, but I know that not all SMs have found this.

Good luck

OP what is it in your opinion that makes your DP an amazing dad? I don't mean that sarcastically, but e.g. an over indulgent disney dad can appear to the world as being father of the year but what DC need is actual parenting i.e boundaries and discipline alongside all of the fun stuff otherwise I can promise you it will cause conflict.

I thought DH was an amazing dad at first because he clearly loved them so much but actually he was a pushover who spent his weekends with the DC waiting on them hand and foot whilst they were glued to screens because they didn't want to leave the house. Luckily DH was open to making some changes and his DC are a pleasure to be around.

@TwentyEight12

You are right DSS was a dream compared to my DDs. He still had his normal child behaviour issues, but he was there before me and he will always be part of my family, even though I'm no longer with his dad. Because i do love him. X

@TwentyEight12 points are all spot on.

Parenting is a mindset. There are those parents whose whole life rotates around their DC (you see this even in non divorced families, and normally it will be more extreme in one parent than the other). Then there are parents who accept that children’s needs absolutely come first but not to the detriment of their primary relationship (their marriage/ partnership). Then there are of course parents who only put themselves first and thereby neglect their children.

A lot of NRP (IME) fall into the first category. Normally fathers (and I am being very generalistic I know) post divorce become parents whose whole world operates around their children. Their expectation extends to their partners and deeply unnatural dynamics occur. It is far more common than people think.

You cannot admire him as a father from afar. You have to dig deep and ask these questions. If he is a person who can put his child in the child bucket and hide his relationship the priority it needs, then it’s possibly worth it.

I asked my expartner if nearly 5 years what he would do if his children (whom are under constant risk of alienation) said we don’t want to see sassbott, we don’t like her, what he would do.

He couldn’t even begin to answer. And after 5 years I thought, you’ve not once given us the prioritisation in your head that it deserves. Your children hold the power, nothing I can do about that.

It’s all mindset. Figure his out before you get involved any further.

*give not hide

I was in your position at one point (I was 26 at the time and he 39). My ex DP had two kids, 13 and 9, and I honestly really struggled. We managed to last 18 months, but in the end I was tired of coming second place to his ex wife and constantly having to live my life around her schedule.

If your situation is anything like mine was, please consider that you will rarely, if ever, be able to go on holiday just you and him, never have a spur of the moment date night, never be able to have long sexy lie ins, never be able to decide what you do of a weekend. You will never be able to move out of the area he currently lives in, never be able to have concrete plans for your social life with your DP. As soon as the kids are introduced EVERYTHING changes. The bubble you are both in bursts.

There's a good chance he will be a Disney dad, like pp have stated, and be too terrified to make time for you and him in case his ex withholds contact with the kids. They may have an amazing relationship now, but once his DS goes home and begins singing your praises, the amicable relationship could drastically change.

I'd say give it a go, try meeting his son in a neutral location for a day out. You may not like the dad side of your DP, you may realise you just can't handle kids, it may be absolutely amazing. But you need to try it.

In the end myself and my ex partner broke up, and I am now married to a childfree man who has never been previously married. That lifestyle works much better for me, but I don't regret being with a DP who had children, I needed to see that it was a life I did not want for myself, and I feel you need to fully experience it, too.

@chickenyhead

Having had the experience I had, I categorically could not and would not take on girls again.

I realise how unbelievably dreadful that sounds, but I honestly and personally for me know my limits.

It just couldn’t happen again.

I still think about the boy too, he was also a child with the normal child behaviours. I doubt I will ever see him again, but I do hope he is happy.

@TwentyEight12

They will remember your input, maybe not for a long time, but it does stay with them.

My friend was DSM to a DSD between 6 and 11 when they broke up (he cheated).

At 17 DSD got back in contact again and they are still close now, despite the Dad's dislike and despite how fractious their relationship had been.

DSD thanked her for teaching her hygiene, healthy eating habits and self respect, breaking the cycle she had learned from her parents.

It is hard being a SM, Disney doesn't help 🤣

@ahughes20 and @sassbott talk a lot of sense!

I'm stepmum to my husbands 6 years old boy. He's a lovely little boy and adores me. But our whole days off work revolve around him.

We work shifts so don't get a great deal of time off, so I understand why this happens. But sometimes I think my DH forgets it's my time off work too and I have things I want to do. He always wants me to tag along with whatever they are doing.

Weekends away are out of the question, we were lucky enough to get 4 days in Spain just us this year though.

DSS's wants and needs will always come before mine every single time. No matter what. It's a tough place to be sometimes even though I'm the adult and should just get on with it.

I don't have children and have never wanted any. DH is a Disney dad. On the rare occasion DSS needs telling off, he does it and immediately apologises after. He also babies him a great deal.

That's why he says he likes spending time with me instead as I don't. I talk to him like a human who's capable of answering a question and making a decision about whether he's hungry/thirsty/needs the loo.

At your age I'd walk away.

@chickenyhead

That is super lovely!!!

That is 100% not going to happen in my situ with the girls though. I am very proud of what I did, I have no shame in how I managed my side of their care. There is no guilt on my conscience... and I mean that. As we all know, it’s not quite as simple as doing a great job, in-fact the better the job you do, the more it’s likely to put someone else’s nose out of joint. And we all know who’s nose I’m talking about.

@TwentyEight12

Yep, but you cant say that on here!!

for you. You will have made a difference, split loyalties suck xxx

@chickenyhead

Hahahahaha!

And thank-you x