Separated Siblings

[ChlamydiaSoup]

Hi everyone,

DSD currently mostly lives with her mum and half brother, she stays with us 2 nights a week. It is likely that DSDs mum will be going to prison soon so DSD will move in with us full time and her brother will go to live with his uncle. We have offered to have DSDs brother some evenings after school for dinner and / or some full days at the weekend so that they can continue to spend time with each other. I have never met DSDs brother before and DP doesn’t have contact with him. DSDs brother’s uncle says he doesn’t have time to drop him off at ours because he works full time (so do DP and I, but we’re willing to work around this for DSDs sake) so contact between the siblings will only be occasional. Has anyone dealt with separated siblings before? How often should they see each other?

DSD is 8 and her brother is 12.

so sad but depends how siblings get on with 4 year age gap they might not have much in common, I think once a month at weekends may be where it is at,
whatever her mum has done DSD will probably miss her so you will need to facilitate prison visits phone calls etc, I believe prisons are much better now at trying to keep family contact going

Thanks teacup. It’s all very new to us. I’m assuming we’ll get some advice from social services or the prison will have an outreach worker who can help us with visits / calls? DSD is an innocent victim in all this.

How far away does the uncle live? Could the lad maybe come by himself on public transport? It’s all v sad, I think it’s great you are doing what you can to facilitate the siblings’ relationship, they will be losing a lot of contact with their mum so it would be good to keep up contact with each other if you can. Maybe you could take them both to visit mum sometimes?

Thanks medium. That’s what we thought, it’s going to be disruptive for all 3 of them, especially the kids. DSD is 8 so I’m not sure how much she will understand. DP spoke to uncle yesterday on the phone to see what we could do to organise regular contact and he just started shouting about how stupid his sister is for getting herself put in prison, embarrassment to the family.

Is 12 old enough to travel by himself? I think he gets the bus to school but that’s with a group of other kids.

How long is the mother likely to go to prison for? TBH I agree with the uncle in terms of her being stupid and irresponsible to commit crimes resulting in a prison term, and this is likely to affect all of them.

As you’ve never met the brother before, I would suggest that you perhaps facilitate a meeting where you can all meet up prior to the mother going to jail, in order that the brother meet you as well and gets to know you at least a little bit so that he A, isn’t too daunted by suddenly going to strangers’ house for tea/the weekend, and B, will know where his sister is living. I’m guessing your partner has met this boy given that he’s four years older than his child with the mother? Has he seen him since he and his ex split? Because if not there may also be some resentment on the part of the brother because the man he might have viewed as a father figure has walked away from him only coming back when his mum went to jail.

I would say twelve is old enough to use public transport but that does depend on how far away they live.

Also, would your DP be prepared to let DSD go to her uncle’s on occasions so that this contact can continue from both sides?

@NoCauseRebel

It was a messy split. DPs ex was having multiple affairs with men she had met online and after her and DP split she tried to stop him having contact with both DSD and her brother. Eventually she had to agree to contact for DSD but DP had no right to contact with the brother, although he still sends presents for him home with DSD.

I agree she has been stupid but we just have to manage it as best we can for DSDs sake, and her brother - they haven’t done anything wrong.

I’ll see if there is a direct bus. He could get the metro link but it would involve one change.

I understand it’s likely to be a 26 week sentence.

I think an informal outing for all of to the cinema / park is a good idea too. Thank you.

It’s just occurred to me that she may lose her house too, if she isn’t paying the rent while she’s in prison. This could impact DSDs schooling, social life etc. What a mess.

What are her plans for when she comes out i.e. paying rent,residency etc?

After 26 weeks DSD might just finally be settled after a major upheaval, settling in into a new routine etc.

Will she go back to mum , uprooting her again?

I don’t know what her plans are for when she comes out, we’ve been really focused on DSD.

I’ve said to DP that I am happy for us to apply for residency if he thinks that’s the right thing to do.

Even if he doesn’t apply / get residency I doubt that DSD will go straight back to her mum’s - she’ll need time to rebuild her life.

A 26 week sentence isn’t long and I would see where mum gets sent before agreeing to prison visits (I say this from experience as they are not at all pleasant for children) and possibly focus instead on phone calls and emails or letters. Please don’t assume there will be a lot of support as I didn’t get any (3 children but because despite it being my ex h (their dad), they weren’t direct victims of his actions and so it was hard to access any support) but there are some useful charities and a couple of helplines that are worth speaking to. Feel free to pm me x

At 12 he can travel to yours on public transport - he just needs someone to travel with him the first time if there's a change or other complication. So hard for all of you, good role models are essential for both kids, particularly the brother as he's at a vulnerable age. I'm guessing his dad is no longer in the picture. Social services can offer specific assistance with prison visiting and the prison chaplains can be really helpful, my friend is one and she meets kids before their first visit sometimes to help prepare them - I believe women's prisons are marginally more family friendly though

If the sentence is 26 weeks there's a good chance she will only serve half of that, she may not want her daughter visiting prison if it's a short sentence.