Letting go

[Steppedup]

Hi all, I am a mum to 5 children 2 of whom are my step children but have been in my life full time for 13 years. They hadn't seen bio mum for that length of time due to her not wanting to. They are 18 and 16 now and my 18 SD got back in touch with her mum and they have been having a good relationship. Since the reunion (over a year now) my SD has pulled away from me and the close relationship we had and ignores me unless she wants something. I know it is selfish of me to feel this way and yes I am jealous. I know I just need to back off and let her live her life with her bio mum and concentrate on my other children but I can't seem to get over it. I just miss her so much and the closeness we had.

I can understand that it must be hurtful, but you really do have to let her fly a bit. It must be a difficult yet exciting time for her. She's probably kind of thrilled to have her mother back in her life. She's young, she was rejected by her, now she's suddenly wanted again. She might distance herself from you for a while, but the odds are she will come back and you will regain that closeness, even if she does forge a genuine relationship with her mother.

One of my friends mother did this and she was brought up by a wonderful stepmum, Her mother used to breeze back in and out of her life like nothing had happened. Eventually my friend barely looked up when the mother flounced back. My friend recently died. Her mother didn't visit while she was ill (has just swanned in proclaiming how devastated she is). Her wonderful step mum sat with her day in day out and was there when she died. I think she's bloody amazing.

Chin up, keep being that wonderful stepmum and bide your time.

It must hurt 😔. She’ll come back to you, then she’ll be extremely lucky to have two mothers in her life.

Thank you so much, you are right and I can see how mad it all is for them both. I am sorry for sounding so selfish. Thank you.

You don’t sound selfish at all. You sound like you love her.

Of course it hurts! You’re entitled to your own sadness about this big change, give yourself a break

She’ll have all sorts of complicated feelings about having her mum back in her life and it’s possible she’s trying to forget the missing years and you’re a reminder to her of everything her mother wasn’t when she was growing up - the things she chose to miss out on, school plays, homework, friendship dramas, relationships, clothes shopping, outings, cuddling on the sofa. Her mum was absent for all of that and that’s got to hurt her loads. I’m sure you’ve been an amazing mum to her but she’ll have felt hugely rejected and now she’s got a chance to bond with her after all these years she’s probably trying to get as close to her as possible to stop being rejected again. She’s 18 now but in the relationship with her mum she’s probably still a hurt 5 year old who’s desperate to be enough for her mum to choose to hang around this time. If anything she’s taking you for granted because she knows you’ll still be there for her, loving and supporting her.

You don’t have to put up with unkindness or rudeness so don’t, and feel your feelings because they’re equally important, but don’t right your relationship with her off after a relatively short time because I’m sure she still loves you and is just trying to make sense of having her other mum back in her life.

I'm in a very similar situation to i have brought my nephew up for 17 year's ( he's just turned 17) his DM didn't want him couldn't have abortion as she'd not long had one so gave birth to him and walked out the hospital when he was 45 mins old.

I have and always have had a great relationship with him but recently his DM wants to see him and he's been going to see her it makes me a bit angry to be honest i gave up my life to look after this boy whilst she lived her life exactly as she pleased. I've done the hardwork the school runs the tucking in at night the bedtime stories cleaning up sick getting him through school and into college then she rocks up playing mum of the year!!

It is hard but I've learnt i need to take a step back and just let him get it out of his system he knows it's me thats been there for him as does you DSD. I think they get to an age they get curious.

These parents will never get the time back with their child that we've had they'll never have respect of the DC we'll have when they are older with DC of their own.

My DN suffered with really bad separation anxiety and used to cry every night that if i have my own DC i won't love him anymore. I never had my own DC that is how much i love this boy so to be given a back seat for now is hurtful I'll never show that infront of him though as i never want him to feel guilty because he's doing nothing wrong.

I feel for you OP but it will all come good in the end ❤ and well done you sound like an amazing SM