I think I’ve done the right thing.

[peonyfairy03]

I’ve posted before about me not having a great relationship with SD who is 8. To cut it short she won’t eat anything I cook, won’t stay in the same room as me if her DF isn’t in there, won’t wear clothes if I’ve washed them or packed (like on recent holiday) wouldn’t go to toilet if I was going but then asked to go 5 mins later. She had no problem with latching on to strangers though.

It ruined our holiday and I called her mum up and asked what the issue is as her behaviour around me was so bad that even MIL didn’t know what to do. I know I probably shouldn’t have but it is ruining my relationship and when’s she’s with us I feel like a stranger in my own home.

So hear is what her mother said. She doesn’t want her daughter around me because I’m disgusting and gross. She doesn’t trust me with her daughter because she knows what I am. - The reason she says this is because she found out from my ExH partner that when I was a child I was abused by my mY mums partner and own mother quite severely both were punished sent to prison I went to a foster home. I’ve worked hard built a good life and had 2DC and all be it a failed marriage due to EA ExH who was very controlling . Despite me telling her I was a child and it was no fault of my own she won’t change her opinion of me or her mind. She believes that I am a abuser also. I’ve never harmed a child and wouldn’t that isn’t me. If anything I’m probably a bit overprotective of my DCs.

So she has told her daughter not to be alone with me or take anything from me incase it causes her harm or hurts her. My DH is beside himself and feels very torn between me and his daughter. I’ve not made him choose or never would however I have said that when we have her EOW he takes her with him or to his mums as I refuse to be put in a situation where I could be accused of anything.

In the past she had accused me of stuff but this was when she was going through CMS and wanted more money and used me as an excuse for DH not to have his daughter overnight. So CMS came back with a figure and it was less than what he was paying in maintenance. My solicitor got involved and retracted her accusation but also she no longer wanted to go via CMS.

Do you think I’m doing the right thing refusing to look after his DD when he isn’t about he plays a lot of sport and he only has her if he’s about or his mum can look after her. I know it’s not the child fault and she is still on a child but she has also got in the habit of telling her mum lies and things that never happened not just about me but my own children and even her DF. Nothing serious just things like she couldn’t have an ice cream if we went out when everyone else did or we wouldn’t let her watch TV all completely untrue or taken out of context like we wouldn’t let her watch TV as it was dinner time. I’m not sure why she says these things probably for attention from her mum.

Sorry for long post. But thoughts are appreciated.

Do you really want to stay with your partner? The whole thing sounds horrendous and I’d be reluctant to stay involved with any of them.

You don’t need to explain anything to his ex, I don’t think you should have contacted her but it’s done now.

If you’re not safe from accusations from his DD then you obviously can’t be around her, especially not on your own. So you’ve done the right thing protecting yourself by refusing to have her anymore. But I’d be taking a long hard look at the whole thing and wondering if life might not be an awful lot nicer and easier away from it all.

I did that after the last accusations and DH is a good husband and we work really well together. My children adore him and he lets me be me and I have a freedom that I didn’t have before. We didn’t rush into it and I lived on my own for a couple of years before we embarked on a relationship. I’m happy with him and he loves me and my children and I love him. Yes life would be easier without the complication of his Ex but even if I didn’t have the childhood I did she still would have found something to accuse me off.

This is a very bitter women who didn’t want my DH when they were in a relationship I’m pretty sure all she wanted was a child as she lied to DH and his mother about being infertile. She seems to have this attitude that everyone owes her something.

Obviously you can't have dsd - in fact, I wonder whether it's a good idea to have her at all. The M doesn't want it. The SD doesn't want it either, so you're all in agreement. No problem.

I don't know what other option you have other than refusing to be around your husband's daughter. His ex has already labeled you as an abuser and has quite successfully brainwashed your step-daughter. How can you possibly be around her without putting your own wellbeing in serious jeopardy? An accusation of abuse could literally destroy your life. This is a shocking situation you're in.

I think you've absolutely done the right thing. DH can take her out or to his DMs. You should not be put in a position from now on where you are alone with her and if that means she doesn't come on holiday with you, well that's just unfortunate.

Thank you for your replies. It’s such a horrible situation to be in and SD is the one who will suffer also as she doesn’t have a great life with her mum. I spent most of my childhood with a stigma against me I didn’t expect in this day and age to also have my childhood held against me. DH is supporting me 100% as his DM.

Wow.

There is no end to these women’s bitterness.

This woman is not a mother, she is a monster.

She wants to hurt your relationship with her ex and their child. This is what this is about. If you have genuinely found happiness with someone, which sounds as though you have, don’t allow this woman’s nastiness to upset that.

If that means that you do not allow the child anywhere near you, then so be it.

Ah man this is a horrendous situation to be in. You must feel pretty down about it. It’s not your problem, she has a problem. Don’t let this one person bring you down. This is not normal behaviour. And I hate to say this but SD is obviously been influenced by her BM. I’ve had a rough time with my SDs BM but this is something else all together. You need to protect yourself now in all ways. I would detach completely. It sounds harsh but the other PPs are right, you can’t gamble your future this way. You need to feel safe and secure in your own home.

Thank you all for your replies. Its made me feel so much better. It’s the only way and I hope in years to come SD will see I’m no threat to her and make her own mind up. Her BM has always been a issue DH and her were not together when we met however he was letting her live rent and bill free in his house for a long time she was supposed to be finding somewhere else, he lived with his parents he met me and gave her 6 months as he wanted his house back she did find a place but obviously she has to pay her way now so she’s always caused problems if she don’t get her own way she normally brings my childhood into it.

She really isn’t a nice women and unfortunately she isn’t helping her child at all.

As SMs we are quite often accused of doing or saying things we haven’t done. For many of us, when we partner up with a man who has a marriage/relationship and children from it behind him... we quite often become the scapegoat for others unresolved pain and confusion.

I do understand to a certain extent that the majority of exes did not plan on having a child or children with someone only for them to break up and not raise their joint offspring in the traditional nuclear dynamic. It must be very hurtful, but it’s not our fault and the majority of us weren’t around when their relationship was breaking down. It’s between them and has nothing to do with us.

In your case, I don’t think your personal history is the real reason the BM is behaving like this. My guess is she would have found something/anything to try to hurt your relationship with her ex, your husband and their child. It’s who she is. It’s no doubt who she’s always been. This is just about finding anything that can be used to alienate all of you from one another. Ok, so for your safety you are keeping yourself at a distance from the child and as I said before, so be it, but don’t let her distance you from your husband. I would watch out for the gap that your exclusion from the family may cause after some time as dynamics may start switching.

I would also suggest that you approach a solicitor who specialises in libel and defamation of character as you have been labelled as an abuser and are being treated as one when actually you the abused. It is the BM who is the abuser. You are being ostracised without good reason or evidence. This needs to be addressed.

Thank you for your message. I know you are right and she would find fault in anything. I don’t think she actually wants my DH to be part of his daughters life she wants his money but other than that she would rather his daughter not have a relationship with him.

Also thank you for pointing out and to be made aware of any cracks that could appear in our marriage due to this. I hope we are strong enough to get through this. We only have her EOW and holiday time I’m happy for her to be in house as long as DH is here if he cannot be she goes with him or to his mums. Which we are all in agreement with. I will also let my solicitor know regarding her latest thing, we have already been here before with her and she backed down then.

@peonyfairy03

That is a very good call.

In my experience of a bitter ex, if you give them an inch... it doesn’t end there. They continue their master plan of destruction until everything is decimated.

Good luck and keep us posted!