Ex husband's gf made my daughter cry on her birthday

[Bembridge124]

My first post on Mumsnet. But feel so upset and would welcome your thoughts. Divorced mum of three - husband had an affair. He is still with the same woman now. My kids see their dad regularly and stay with him and the gf and her child. She has been challenging - needy and jealous of me. She seems to be resentful of the money my ex pays for his three kids. Even though both her and the ex husband earn their own money. It was my daughter's 17th birthday and she had dinner with her father and his gf. Gf started haranguing her about the fact that she will be 18 next year and then she will be on her own financially and so she needed to think about getting a job! Ex husband tried to intervene and point out that this issue hadn't been discussed yet and also that she needed to tone it down a bit. My daughter started crying - at her own birthday dinner 😥😥😥
It seems my ex spoke to his gf later and she called up to apologise. This isn't the first incident - she had made my kids cry before. Shouting at them and telling them off for stuff that isn't their fault. But to make my daughter cry on her birthday just has totally tipped me over the edge 😥😥

Apologies have been made.

People make mistakes.

So it could have been said light-heartedly in good spirit but your DD is particularly succeptible and took it as an attack, or it could be that her SM has a bee in her bonnet and was trying to convey that she thinks she has high expectancies of her dad paying for everything and she indeed mea t to upset her

Or it could be as the OP seems to feel, that the girlfriend has been jealous and spiteful all along and is working very hard at making her partner’s children conveniently disappear.

OP - if I were your daughter I would challenge the girlfriend. Does she intend to cut her own child off at 18, including if he/she goes to university? Does she have an expectation that your ex, her father and girlfriend’s child’s step father makes a contribution to her child’s upbringing and will her expectations continue beyond the age of 18? If she feels able to remain calm when asking such questions, the answers could be very illuminating.

I would also suggest you also do some research. It certainly used to be the case that a ‘child’ at university could seek a court order for financial support from their non-resident parent. It might be worth having this up your sleeve, particularly if he is a high earner. It would have to be your daughter’s legal action rather than yours but it is something she might want to consider if still a possibility.

Who has told you what happened? Have you heard both sides of the story? Hear both and the truth will lie somewhere in the middle!

GF is out of order. It's not her place to tell the kid to get a job. What if she was planning on going to Uni?

JoanMAvis - what is your beef with step kids you can not say anything positive and always stick up for the SM.

Their family finances are her business but that is between her and her DP. The father is the one to have the discussion and she should not have raised it.

Done at a time to cause pain on what should have been a special dinner. Teh woman is a selfish bitch. If she ahd done it to her own on their birthday - I would think the same thing, this is not a nice woman

Im not sticking up for her.. im saying it is her business. I said she shouldn't have raised it. Can you not read?

I dont have a problem with step kids. I have one

The thing is it is her business. If your ex and her live together she probably does have a say in it and if shes said theyre going to "cut her off" at 18 my bet is thats what theyve decided but your ex doesnt have the balls to say it
Read the OP again. She said that ex had intervened to stop his partner stating the matter hadn't been discussed yet so doesn't sound at all that she speaking on his behalf. And it is none of her business if indeed they both earn good money and he is happy to provide something for her when she is at Uni.

I did read the op. It's her business until HE tells her its not which he clearly hasn't. Saying "its not been discussed yet" isnt the same as saying "shes talking shit ignore her"

I’d let it go. Yeah it was bad timing and unkind but your just going to make the situation worse for your D.
But it would be great if she did get a job -but of course that is her choice- my SD works and we encouraged her to do so as did her BM I believe. It was good her confidence.

You can get a student maintenance loan for uni and get a part time job. Why would she cry about it?
Girlfriend probably wants your 17year old to start growing up.

It’s none of GF’s business and she sounds out of order and lacking in judgement. I imagine your DD wasn’t crying because she doesn’t want to face the thought of getting a job but because she felt her birthday was being hijacked by this woman’s strange agenda. Hopefully it’s dealt with for now though and you can all move on.

I'm not sure how you can harass someone about getting a job next year and how you can be agressive about it. Maybe she believes that teens should work and was explaining why or giving examples. I definetely do as I started working at 16 to help my mom and I know others like that too.
But obviously, she can not decide that your DD will be cut off unless her father doesn't have balls.
I do understand how you feel, especially knowing that she's the OW and hasn't been particularly nice to your kids. If your daughter felt bad, her version might not be the same as what actually happened. At least she apologized, so it's probably better to let it go. Many people don't even do that.

Irregardless of gf's tone, or whether she intended it lightheartedly or not, or whether that's what your exh has decided - it is absolutely NOT his gf's place to deliver news like this to your dd & it is NOT her place to discuss this at your dd's birthday dinner. The funding or part funding of your dd through uni is a discussion for you, your ex & dd. The gf is entitled to her opinion & to discuss if with her partner, your ex, but to take it upon herself to deliver this type of news in the manner in which she did is crass & insensitive.
Your dd needs a frank conversation with her df about finances & also about boundaries!

This is why I’m glad my sons stepmum is a perfectly nice woman who knows her place in my sons life. She interferes with nothing unlike this nosey wench of a girlfriend 🙄. A joke about getting a job maybe, telling a 17 year old she’ll be cut off. Hilarious. Naw.

Nothing to do with the gf, maybe your dd will stop going soon.
My dc had a job from being 16 but they were lucky to find something to fit in with studies, and it was discussed with us parents, not the ow .
I know others who had jobs whose grades suffered at A level, too.
Won't his salary be taken into consideration for maintenance top up for uni?

Financial arrangements between your Ex and your DD are absolutely none of his GF's business. She was rude and intrusive at your DD's special dinner and I'm not surprised you're raging.

However there's very little you can do about the GF. In your shoes I think I'd talk to DD about it, agree with her that DF's GF was out of order.

Just agreeing with her that her upset was perfectly understandable may help her deal with it and be more calm next time - and there's bound to be a next time

I would talk to dd and practice calm cut off comments. ‘You guys have separate finances, my dad can manage parenting without your oar in thanks although I know you think you’re helping.’
That’s about as mature as I could get im afraid - I’d really want her to say it’s fuck all to do with you just because my dad is sleeping with you.
I would also message him to say she won’t want to see you much if making her cry on her birthday is what she associates with you. And don’t say it wasn’t you, x is only there because she’s with you and it’s 1000% your choice.
I know others are more live and let live...

Thank you everyone. It is so helpful to know that my feelings are echoed.

Financial arrangements between your Ex and your DD are absolutely none of his GF's business. She was rude and intrusive at your DD's special dinner and I'm not surprised you're raging

This.

Also - and I know this goes against the MN Bible - but your DD should be assured that, at 17, she can start to determine whom she wishes to see and in what circumstances. If she does not want to see her father's GF (and I wouldn't want to given your account of the GF's attitude to your DD) then she should be reassured that she does not have to.

Give her strength & confidence to set her own boundaries, and speak about behaviour she will not accept.

Her father seems at least to see the issues with the GF, and supported your DD. Which is more than a lot of NRP fathers manage to do.

Your Ex handled it well. It sounds like she's still resentful about the child support .
Some SMs don't know their place unfortunately...she sounds like one, but as a FOW, I wouldn't expect anything decent from her.

Many men wouldn't have had the guts to challenge and get her to apologise...so he did well on that score. I'm sure it caused an argument when they got home.

Just tell your DD dads GF interferd, but her dad put it right.

My DD has just completed a year at Uni and I can tell you more money is spent supporting her, than when she was at home.

Uni accommodation for the year was £7k.

Sorry but I think it absolutely is the girlfriends place. How do you know they don't share finances? No she probably shouldn't have said anything at the dinner but it really is her business how much they support her.

A birthday meal is not the place.
This is a conversation for Dad to have with OP. Their dd does not need to know financial details.
Gf might have an opinion but it's not for her to discuss with her sd. Getting a job and maintenance are 2 different issues. She is massively overstepped.

Many Dads in 2019 support their kids financially during university. The Dad is entitled not to do this but a birthday meal is not the place to announce this.

What kind of arsehole makes someone cry at their own birthday meal? There’s a time and place for these conversations and clearly not on someone’s birthday.

What a turn off that would be to any man. Your ex is a fool he really is and has made his bed and lying on it.
Your poor dd. Though, I had a part time job her age, so she really should be proactive in that at least.