Mother in law - SD &ex

[Frances003]

I don’t know if this is the correct section to put this under but here goes, maybe someone can give me some advice .

I had a little falling out with my MIL - we ran into SD mum at a local event (husband was never properly with sd mum, unplanned pregnancy but good relationship between husband and daughter)
Anyway - we did the civilised hellos for my step daughters sake. And then went our separate ways.

Whilst my husband and I took our son to a separate baby area (MIL & FIL stayed with SD in bigger child’s area)
My mil decided to go over to Sd mum , start up further conversation. When we returned we saw this , and her doing so then subsequently invited her over to our group. Which formed a very difficult and awkward situation for my husband& I

I wouldn’t mind if MIL had always said nice things about SD mum, but she has always slated her to the ground for past behaviours , always talks badly of her & her family to me (not around SD) and has always made her home a safe place to rant.
Therefore was then very awkward watching her then being so nice to SD mum, and I just couldn’t get over how two faced this was

This got my questioning the fact she talks this way about her and then is acting nice , does she do this about me.
Secondly I confronted her suggesting we’d said our hellos and that she’d put the rest of us in awkward situation by inviting her over and there wasn’t actually any need. It was my husbands time with his daughter - not hers . She indirectly apologised for “me feeling that way” and I later found out she then bad talked me to her family about this.

This was a few months ago, and I had thought , first and only disagreement - we’ve moved on.

However since then ... our relationship has been fragile , she is making more effort with SD mum, going round to her house to pick up SD but going in for a tea. Texting her more to ask to have SD more .
She is taking out step daughter but not inviting our son along. Having step daughter to stay at hers weekly - arranged through mum - without my husband knowing or around his own arrangements. He just says she has a right to do so , but I just find it so odd ? Surely he should be having the extra time with his daughter ?

I was such good friends with my mother in law before, and since this I am just surprised at how someone can say such awful things about someone and then act as if they’re friends& go to their house for tea!?! Any advice on how to move forward on this

You work at accepting who your MIL has shown herself to be. She isn’t the genuine person you believed her to be and on some level you are feeling the loss of who you thought she was naturally. You may never have the same relationship with her again because you no longer see or feel the same way about her.

Regards your feelings about DH spending more time with his daughter. I feel you have taken on a battle that is not yours to fight and one that your SD’s father is not hurt nor upset by. I understand your feelings and I understand that you feel an injustice is taking place. However, you are the only one. For your own well-being and for the sanctity of your marriage and family unit, my advice would be to let it go. It is for your husband to decide how to handle this situation should he want to. Step-parenting is tough isn’t it?!? Don’t make it tougher for yourself than it already is... that would be my advice.

Good luck

Great thank you for your advice , you’re right I do feel hurt she isn’t the person I thought

Do you know what as well, you’re right I shouldn’t be thinking my husband needs the extra time with his daughter if he doesn’t think it himself !
I just need to take a step back , and just accept MIL isn’t who I thought , and actually she is entitled to have a grand daughter stay at hers more if my husband hasn’t thought to offer it himself !

Thank you

I can totally understand your lack of trust in your MIL after this. We have experienced something similar previously. My MIL similarly has never had a good word to say about my husbands ex wife, even took advantage of an emergency situation concerning my step sons premature birth to, in my view, take away what is a Mother's right - to be on of the first to meet her child. MIL insisted on seeing my step son in the prem unit before the mother had. Similar to your own situation MIL has since on occasion behaved in a similar way whilst simultaneously bad mouthing my husbands ex. I'm afraid there's no much you can do. You can reason with unreasonable people. We just let them get on with it. In genuine friendships tend to self combust anyway. My view is that my MIL knows regardless of any family disagreements my husband will always allow her to see her Grandchild. Same cannot be said of his ex wife. So all the fakery and two faced thus happens as I MIL eyes it's the ex who needs to be kept sweet to protect her interests - grandchild. We just leave them to it. Wishing you the best of luck, it isn't easy is it. Xx

@Willydish it really isn’t easy !
What have you done with the relationship between you and your mother in law ?
X

I have as little to do with her as I can tbh. I'm polite when our paths cross, but I admit I have declined invitations for pub drinks/meals for multiple reasons: it's not enjoyable as she is often rude to serving on staff and it make me cringe and feel so awkward I leave a big tip 🙈 secondly when it's gone OK there's always a kick in the balls on the horizon from her... she always does something on the sly showing a lack of loyalty to my husband which also causes problems in that it gives his ex an increased inclination to cause trouble. Although technically it's making a fool of him, not me, it winds me up and I feel resentful then of being ok with her and attending things to enable her to appear to others that it's happy families. I'm just unwilling to be used for her purposes anymore. The pivotal point at being less flexible with her is several 'outside' people have commented on how difficult she is - wedding accommodation host, hair dresser, friends etc so I don't feel too much guilt at my lack of effort anymore 😊 I think she is fundamentally a difficult person. xx

The best thing is to move on. Not easy I know.
I didn't have this issue with MIL, but with my DP's ex. He has 2 exes and the first one was very sweet to me and I thought she was my friend. She wouldn't have a good word to say about my DP nor his ex#2. I mean she wasn't particularly mean, but would tell me that ex#2 hates me and would be happy if we separate, that she's not good looking, she feels pity for her, etc.
Well, I saw them once at SD's (daughter of ex #2 birthday) and she was soooo sweet with ex#2. Even offered to come the next day to clean up her appartment after the party! Which made me feel uneasy.
Later, when I had a falling out with her, she started telling me DP that "he's the most important man in her life", "I'll always be there for you", etc.
It took me a while to get over it (she was very nice with me), but now I don't care. DP and this ex are very close and there's nothing I can do with it. Actually, I contact her when it's convenient for me (ex. to bring her sons over, so that my DP doesn't have to pick them up) and I actually see advantages of being a hypocrite as oppose to a direct person who gets shit from everybody.
And I agree with the previous poster, it's her granddaughter, she wants to be nice with the mother to see more of her. The same way the ex of my DP needs to be nice to be able to get DP's help for whatever thing she ever needs. As my therapist says, people do things to satisfy their needs, it's not good or bad, it's just like that.

I don't understand why you're against her growing up and making a nice relation ship with her grand child's mother.

She isn’t. The OP has rethought the situation and has said she is taking a step back, this is outlined in her response published on 17th of this month.

Against her growing up? She’s 50 odd years old, I would have hoped she’d have “grown up” already!
I’m not against anything, I was just confused as to why she’d spend 4 years bad mouthing someone so badly to then be completely fine with them so suddenly , to then making more effort because I confronted her double standards?

And I didn’t know how to move forward with my feelings toward my MIL and our broken relationship