I don't know what to do. I feel so low

[sillycat72]

I feel so down, I get so fed up of the way my step daughters treat me they seem to take it in turns though. My eldest sd 15 is a bit more sneaky though she’s not rude to the point I could say she’s done this or said this she is just very ‘off’ with me when her father is not about. Almost rude, just not speaking to me, being difficult having an attitude and as soon as her father is present she changes. It gets to you after a while as I’m really trying, I make conversation with her, taken her out treated her, stick up for her sometimes look after her when ill or something wrong. I make sure I let her have father and daughter time, all the washing and cooking etc. She can’t help feeling the way she does towards me whatever that is? but it’s getting to me. She’s so moody and snappy in my company. They are with us 50% of the time but this may increase as their mum has moved recently and it’s an hour away from school. What would you do?

Kids of this age can be hard work full stop! I'd say don't take it too personally, keep cheerful and be consistent.
She may be more upset than she's letting on that Mum is moving away.

What would I do? Cut and run probably. What is their father doing about this?

Run for the hills! Sorry - been there, done my best, taken more sh!t off of her than I ever would from my two - you can't win, dont waste time trying. I put my foot down and told my DH (aka Disney dad) to take over in the house when she deigned to visit - I disengaged and it was the best thing I ever did.

@Chimpfield what do you mean disengage, do u go out or just ignore her? Hard when she's here half or maybe more of the time

I have been disengaged for two years and I’m a lot happier. My SD and her BM made my life miserable. I feel myself again

I don't know what you mean by disengage, I have backed off a lot.

It's hard not to take it personally when it happens all the time and just to me. I've told dh he hasn't said anything

Basically for me I stopped buying things for her, stopped inviting her to things me and my family did, took no responsibility or made any decisions regarding her care. (Quite literally everything) I did not ignore her but I spent as little time with her as possible. What my H did was up to him. It’s sad but for my mental health I had no option or my H and I would have split. I’d throw myself in front of a bus for her but we cannot spend a day under the same roof.

15 years old are not easy at the best of time, you sound like you’re doing an amazing job!! She will come through the teenage years and be less self absorbed

I think when people feel that you're trying to win them over and they are not interested, it has an opposite effect: they start taking you for granted. My SD became like that at 11, only with me and my son and only when her father wasn't looking. I tried to ignore, make more efforts, talking to DP. Nothing helped.
When my son is rude with me, I pull him off. So recently I started pulling her off too (she'll be 13 soon). She's not confrontational and sounds like your SD neither. I also concentrated on my children only (if no children, then your friends and activities) and I'm starting to see that she's feeling a bit excluded (I don't openly exclude her, I just concentrate more on my children) and now she's sometimes seeking my attention and even becoming affectionate.
It seems that when you concentrate on yourself and let go, people start missing your involvement. And you feel better about yourself, it hurts when you give and get nothing in return. When it's your own child, you know that they still love you, but with a stepchildn, you don't, unless they show it.
Why are you doing all the cleaning and cooking? I stopped doing SD's bed, I wasn't even doing it for my own son. So it's either her father who does it or she comes to the undone bed she left behind. I find an excuse for not cooking if I don't feel like it and if me or my children are not hungry...What's the point of doing things when nobody appreciates?

Yeh that makes sense @Anuta77. I have pulled away to what I used to, but being the summer holidays I thought I'd make an effort. No more, as u say it's for your mental health. They are away with their mum now back next week. My own dcs are away next week so dreading it really, I will just be busy I think

Yes, very nice, but busy ;)

Sadly it is likely that she's upset about her mother and is taking it on you because you are what she wished her mum was. When my DS went through his horrible stage being rude etc... I found it so hard not to take it personally. But one day he said that he just felt safe to let out his frustrations about other aspects of his life on me because he knew that I would still love him no matter what.

He is now 16 and one day woke up another child. Went from avoiding talking or having anything to do with me to suddenly opting to ce himself to me for a daily chat. This took place after he had finished his GCSEs and according to my teacher friend, this is very common. However hard it is to not get upset and question yourself, try not to let it get to you. She'll change.

So what’s is there father doing about this? It sounds bloody awful and I wouldn’t like to live like that. Are your DC around when his DD treat you like that? They live with you half the time it’s time for your and your DP to agree the way forward. It sounds like you pussy foot around, say nothing or challenge when they ignore you and the cycle continues. It’s your home and it doesn’t sound very nice for you

I think you’ve had great advice here and I also think that the only way to turn it around for yourself is as others have said - is to emotionally detach/disengage from her.

It sounds like a really odd concept but at the end of the day, if you are becoming so low, it’s your best option, otherwise you’ll likely slip into depression. You can’t change her and if your partner is unwilling to confront her behaviour head-on, this leaves you few options other than to leave the relationship or to detach from her.

In my personal experience of going through this myself, I left the relationship, I left because I was being scapegoated by everyone including my partner, detachment wouldn’t have worked in my situation but if everything is pretty good otherwise for you, then you do not need to leave the relationship with him, you just emotionally leave the relationship with her.

As others have suggested, you also stop doing all the nice things you’ve been doing for her and essentially hand over all responsibility to her father. So if her bed isn’t changed or made and he doesn’t do it, it gets left. If her clothes are still on the bedroom floor where she left them and he hasn’t washed them, they get left there.

I think there is a difference in being petty and detaching though. For example, if her clothes are in the dirty laundry basket with other people’s stuff, don’t be so petty as to wash everything else and leave hers out, your partner will pick up on these sorts of things and that of course has the propensity to fuel arguments and resentment between you.

I would also suggest that when she is being nasty or ignoring you in the presence of your partner, that you do not do the most instinctive thing of removing yourself to another room or out of the house, but that you make a fuss of him. So you go over and give him a kiss on the cheek or a cuddle or a great big smile.

Your SD will soon start learning that her petulant and spiteful behaviour towards you, will not see you out of her father’s life nor out of his love for you.

So don’t let this insecure human-being drag you to your knees, she is 15 and will no doubt be sidelined in a few years time with boyfriends and college and friendship circles.

Hang on in there and good luck!

Thank you for your advice, I've taken it on board, it's amazing how a child can make you feel. She has always been a bit like this though especially when we all moved in together 5 years ago. I was always taking them out, shopping, lunch trips, treating them, with my own dcs or on their own. But when they both just treated me with disrespect and were rude. I stopped doing that, there's so much that has gone on and I know their own mum doesn't help matters, she is very jealous also and rubs off on them.

Most of the time I know I'm not their favourite person but I have my own dcs and dh so I just get on with it, but sometimes it really grinds me down to the point i want to leave but I never do.

@sillycat72

Yes I did all of that too, every time they came to stay which was every other weekend, I ensured we always did something fun - trips to the zoo, circus, roller-skating, pottery painting, trampolining, swimming and on and on... all followed with McDonalds or ice-creams or their favourite foods.

Did any of it work? Nope. There you are thinking you are being fun and kind and inclusive and the next thing you know is that you’re despised and belittled and you can’t work out exactly what it was you did or didn’t do to deserve being treated this poorly. So you scratch your head and rethink everything and up the ante, as in you continue doing and giving like this but still it doesn’t change, still you’re being treated just as badly or perhaps even worse. I very much doubt there are many of us Step Mums or Step GFs on here who haven’t given this much or tried our absolute damnedest to make our partner’s or husband’s kids happy and loved.

Like others have said, it’s not personal. Although I know when you’re in it, it feels like that. The torment and anguish can be unbearable. So this is why many of us are saying that if you learn how to emotionally detach/disengage from their behaviour, it will eventually stop feeling personal.

Then you’ll get your sanity and your well-being back on track and start enjoying life again! Your relationship with your husband will no doubt improve as you hand him back the ultimate responsibility of being a father to his children. So if they aren’t found a, b or c, he either has to do it or he has to step up and ask them to.

It’ll probably take a bit of time until this all shifts into place but hopefully you’ll end up back in your happy place.

I’d start today if I were you... no time like the present!

😀

Sorry for the typo.

I meant:

‘So if they aren’t doing a, b or c...’

anuta ‘pulling someone off’ does not mean what you think it means 😱😂