Contact with ex AIBU?

[Anuta77]

I know people complained here about the quantity of messages from exes, but in my case is the "content". There's nothing sexual going on with my DP's ex wife and I know there's no attraction, but I just CAN'T, no matter what, get over my jealousy and I know that it's affecting my feelings towards my SD (12).
Her mother and my DP didn't have a good separation. He fell out of love with her. There was no nastiness, but she was very hurt. When I met her 2.5 years after their separation (she started coming into our house to visit her daughter who was staying with us every other week for the summer, I guess she couldn't spend a week without her), she was walking around my house, talking with DP, being super nice to my son, but ignoring me. When DP was picking up SD, she would be dressed very sexy (she was in her early 40s) and several times, I noticed no bra. When I was complaining, DP would always say that there was nothing wrong. She had the right to see her daughter wherever she wanted (i.e. our house) and she had the right to dress the way she wanted in her house, as long as she wasn't naked. Clearly, she wasn't over their separation then (despite being on her second or third boyfriend after him).
She met someone about 3 years ago and it seems going well. She became very very nice to my DP. Before, he considered her "just an ex". Now she is "his friend". She spends all her weekends at the boyfriend's place who lives just 20 min away from us, but she stopped coming to visit her daughter and she never picks her up or drops her off. DP is the one who always does it, which allows him to socialise with her and her boyfriend too. All good for them, but I can't be part of their "friendship", unless I come with him and my children, and last times I did it over 1.5 years ago, she barely talked to me, so it wasn't pleasant.
Here are the examples of her niceness which I have trouble with.

1. It was our son's first birthday. She met him about 3 times, the last time being when he was 3 months. She sends him a text to congratulate him. He doesn't answer. She calls at 2 pm to verify if he got her congratulations and apologizes that she got confused with dates. DP thinks that it's normal to call if one doesn't get a reply to her congratulations within a few hours and that it's nice of her.

2. New year: before we even have time to have champagne after midnight, the phone rings. It's her. Obviously, SD wants to talk to him, but the ex is the first one to congratulate him and I hear DP telling her what we did, etc. Only after, he talks to his daugther. All this time, I wait for the drink with him. I consider that SD could have just taken her mother's phone and called herself. She does it sometimes, but the ex considered it important to talk to DP first. DP sees nothing wrong with that.

3. Valentine's day: She sends him a drawing their 12 y.o daughter did to HER adding "but don't be jealous, she's making one for you too, hihi".

4. His birthday: She writes the words of a Cuban birthday song in a text adding that she bets nobody ever did this to him "hihi" and "big kiss". For her bday few days later, he wishes that her joy of life never dissapears or something like that. Very sweet. Exchange of gifts.

5. Father's day: She wishes him a lot of happiness today and every day in the futur. Sends a gift too. Ends the message with "big kiss". For mother's day, he also sends her a sweet message and a gift.
   The only thing that helps me that the gifts for me for these occasions are more expensive.

6. Few weeks ago: we started renovation and he needed a construction hat for demolition. I found one on the internet and he asked me to contact the person. I did, it was complicated because the person wasn't available and I convinced him to still be there and wait for my DP to pick it up at 10 pm. DP told me that he will be there. He comes home with a hat, all happy, telling me that it's from the ex's boyfriend. How did this happen? While he was dropping off his daugther, he was rushing his son saying that he needs to pick up a construction hat. She heard it and decided to call her boyfriend (almost at 10 pm), so that my DP could pick it up from his instead. My DP didn't need her help, everything was arranged to pick up a hat from classified ads. But she took the initiative. Isn't she lovely? DP was happy to have saved 5$. When I complained that I did all this and had to now apologize to the other people, he didn't like my tone and said he didn't care.

DP is very flattered by her niceness and is very nice to her in return. Whenever she doesn't have time to buy some clothing item for SD (she gets a lot of free clothes from friends, so not much buying to do for SD, just little things here and there and she still manages "not to have time", eventhough as per SD"s stories, she likes shopping. He still pays her maintenance for her 18 year old son from previous relationship (my DP"s ex step son) and tells me that he's happy to do so, while not being happy to start paying for our toddler's daycare.
He says that it's great for their daughter and not everyone is resentful like me.

Other than these sweet messages, their communication isn't great. There were times, she would take SD shopping knowing that DP was coming, so he had to wait. Or he wouldn't know when the're going on vacation and if it overlapped with his times.

Last week, I offered to pick SD up, because he was renovating. I saw that he sent an almost apologetic message to the ex, saying that it's because the second car wasn't working well which wasn't the real reason, I was just helping him. As I left to go to the boyfriend's place where the ex with SD always hung out, she called him (has my number) to tell him that I should instead pick her up at McDonald's 15 min away, because they were hungry and couldn't wait for me. He called me when I was on the highway, I couldn't answer, so it was my fault for driving to the wrong place and I had to go to the f**king McDonalds with my 2 kids like a taxi driver. Nothing wrong with her for not wanting to wait 25 min. She and SD make my DP wait (because SD is never ready when he comes Friday nights, so he stays there with them until she is).

Their daughter only comes to our house EOW, so he visits her at the ex's place the weekend she's not here. Sometimes, it's at the boyfriend's place or whatever place the ex is. So there's plenty of times to develop the "friendship".

AIBU for hating it? It caused so many fights between us and I have lost motivation to make efforts for SD as I don't think they don't make any difference.

Well, I feel that there will be plenty of posters following on from me chirping ‘you sound jealous - it’s good they get on so well’ but for me I would feel like I am excluded from this cosy friendship and I would feel uncomfortable. Particularly I would not be ok with him going along with her plans and never mind the effort you’ve gone to (re the construction hat - why is the effort she has gone to more important and yours is just - not) and being instructed via him that they’ve gone to McDonalds. It’s all very well that there’s a nice friendship but it’s to the exclusion of you so I would not be up for feeling like a second-class citizen in my relationship.

What are you thinking of doing, OP?

Perhaps the thing to do is stop being that taxi driver.

The overall impression I get from all of that is that your partner is really inconsiderate towards you.

It's common courtesy not to spend Valentines Day or midnight of New Year on the phone to your ex and he should have the decency to not drop everything with you because she is sticking her beak in, she can wait until an appropriate time to reply. There's an awful lot of that running all the way through your post.

Why the hell is he not paying for childcare for your toddler, but is paying for an adult step child? That's not on at all.

Yes it's good for them to have a positive relationship but he is taking the piss with how touchy feely and constant that relationship is, as well as being rude and dismissive towards your very reasonable feelings of being pushed out. You feel that way because you are.

He sounds like an arse.

Hmmm....I am inclined to say a positive co-parenting relationship is a positive thing but he seems either somewhat still emotionally involved with his ex or he is struggling (deliberately or otherwise) with boundaries at your expense.

Why did you have a child with him if you felt he was still involved with his ex in some way? Maintenance for the non-bio child is probably a step too far but if he has enjoyed a positive relationship with the young man over some years, treating him as his own is not unreasonable. It’s probably to be applauded. However, he also has a financial obligation towards your child together. Was this discussed before getting pregnant?

The bra thing - I regularly crawl out of bed just before my ex does pick up at some ungodly hour and and just pull on a top. The lack of bra is about going back to bed and sod all to do with not being over him or flirting. It would be typical of my ex to assume it was about him! Be careful making assumptions. You don’t know her, her motives. Try and stick with hard facts.

Of all the fuckery I just read, this stood out the most:

He still pays her maintenance for her 18 year old son from previous relationship (my DP"s ex step son) and tells me that he's happy to do so, while not being happy to start paying for our toddler's daycare

The hell???????? This is so so wrong OP and I'm sorry to say they both sound completley reliant on each other, for whatever bizarre reason. She sounds unhinged and he sounds like he's making a bit of a mug out of you. This isn't normal. Don't let him tell you it is.

I think that instead of me putting my 5 pence worth in, it’d be better to ask you this instead:

If you could have the ideal dynamic in this scenario with SD, the ex, ex’s BF and your partner... what would it be and how would it look to you?

Thank you for the replies. I know it's not the end of the world, but there are days when I just get so upset....

He doesn't refuse to pay for the childcare, he just complains that it's an extra expense, whereas when I would mention that his ex step-son is old enough to work, he says that it's his pleasure to help them. His own sons as well as myself all started working at 16. The ex SS goes to Cuba every summer to visit his loving father who doesn't have money to support him, so he can't work and I once heard that he refused to work after school with my DP's son (same age) because it was "too far". I think that the ex wife's exagerrated niceness makes it more difficult for him to refuse helping her, whereas I'm taken for granted.

If you could have the ideal dynamic in this scenario with SD, the ex, ex’s BF and your partner... what would it be and how would it look to you?

My perfect scenario when EVERYONE is nice to each other will never happen, although SD told me that her mother is "friends" with the boyfriend's ex wife. I know they spent Xmas with her. The boyfriend lives in another town and they see each other on weekends, so how did she manage to be "friends" with her? Obviously but making efforts.

But I would have been happy with something realistic: My DP and ex wife are cordial and she also does part of picks-ups and drop-off (which could give an opportunity to get to know each other), but this won't happen.

And SD sees with whom her mother is nice and with whom she's not and picks up on that.

@Anuta77

Ha yeah! Yeah it’d be nice if we could have that harmony with everyone!

I wonder if you could try for one out of the three you’ve listed? Think the last one is probably not in the running... but trying for #2 on the list isn’t out of reach and it might make things a bit more bearable for you.