5yr old crying

[lottieleo]

My Dh has a 5yrold my StepS. We also have a 2year old DS
My DH has had him every fortnight for 3days since 5months old (I met him at 18months old)
He has his own room/toys/clothes
Choice of meals and activities when visiting.
He also enjoys time with his sister ( has another 2 younger siblings at home)
However he cries on arrival every visit for his mum and has done since day one, then has emotional outbrursts frequently through out the day. He will also have periods where he will not respond as if we are strangers to him.
We have the odd month or two where he seems settled but is a very shy/anxious child in general, won't speak to my family (including children) thats he's met on many occasions and consider he's been infull time nursery since 1yrold, I thought he would atleast be ok with the children after all these years.

I feel awful for him than coming to stay is such an anxious time. His moods change by the minutes. I thought this would get better as he gets older but clearly not.
Mum says he's not anxious anywhere else and will go to sleep overs at her friends and enjoy himself.
We are lost now as mum doesn't think the crying and upset is an issue and that's just what you deal with as a parent.
Which I appreciate children cry but i want him to be comfortable here.
We have all sat down on numerous occasions an he just says he likes it but he misses mummy and there's nothing else we can do for him.

You probably need more regular contact than once a fortnight. Could you have him over for tea and 1 or 2 nights during the week in addition to your regular arrangement? It might help him with his anxiety.

He lives around
2 hours drive away.
My Dh will go pick him up from school and take him out for his tea once/twice a month when he can get off work early. Fortnightly isn't a lot I know but mum wants weekends as-well with working full time. Which is fair enough. FaceTime happens a few times a week but he's not interested and often won't talk.

Is moving a bit closer on the cards?

Does the mood change coincide with anything? For example, I find that when my SD is at our house, she's fine 90% of the time. But she "misses mummy" if she doesn't get her own way, or if she's in trouble or if one of the other children is getting more attention off her dad than she is. She is also 5.
It's not helped by the way her mum is over dramatic about her leaving for the weekend "mummy loves you and misses you already and can't wait for Sunday night" if they think their mum is sad that they're not there, that will make them feel the same way.
We let her ring and text it she feels the need too, but we don't allow FaceTime (only to protect privacy as she would quite happily walk in the bathroom to let her mam see me in the shower)

But we tend to just say, oh well mummy's busy because she'll be seeing her friends while you're not there, or she'll be cleaning and doing boring things (trying to make out it's much more fun to be here)
His mum should really help you address why he feels the way he does while he's at your house, even if he is fine at home! There will be a reason, it's just hard to decipher a 5 year olds feelings

"It's not helped by the way her mum is over dramatic about her leaving for the weekend "mummy loves you and misses you already and can't wait for Sunday night"
Oh we also have this, I appreciate she wants him to feel loved and missed but no when there's already so much anxiety.
She's adamant we are being dramatic and he's jus shy, but when he's feeling anxious he won't even answer what he would like for his lunch, will chew his fingers and umm then cries 5mins later that he would like xyz
We have spoke to nursery/school in the past to ensure they are aware he has contact with dad and they said they would start talking more about dad not just mum. Which they have he now brings art home with "for daddy" ect
Suppose if mum doesn't think it's an issue all we can do is it be support him.

@lottieleo the mums should be more encouraging. Be more like "bye darling have the best weekend with daddy hope you do lots of fun stuff and I can't wait for you to tell me all about it when you get back, see you Sunday!"
I kind of had the same issue with my eldest who didn't ever want to go to her dads, and I just kind of... well bribed her in a way saying how much fun she would have. But then she would come home and had the worst weekend so it would always end up costing me to do fun stuff like she's been promised.
As it happens, she's 11 now and doesn't go at all because she's made that choice (he is a bit of a knob) but I would still be supportive and encouraging if she wanted to see him again

Chat to his Mum and let her know that you want to work together to reduce his anxiety Check her general routine , and let her know you will try to see if it is feasible to offer the same consistent routine.

This is challenging ,with different siblings in families at different ages and stages, so only mirror his Mum's routine if feasible.
Even if this is not feasible, at least it is good to chat to his Mum to see if you can work together in some way to reduce his anxiety. There may be other ways you can support him to learn to cope with the change of living arrangement every fortnight, such as distraction from his anxiety with walking a neighbour's dog or feeding the backyard birds, or a quick walk to playground/park to play before going into his Dads home. In time with your patience and calm he will get better at coping and feel less anxious

Does he always bring his favouritw teddy and blanket to help the transition?