How does everyone else do it?

[peonyfairy03]

Hi bit of a long one so sorry.

Ok I’m married to DH number 2 first marriage was a controlling and basically I was a lone parent ExH had many affairs and in the end I left. Met DH he is brilliant kind,supportive and would do anything for me however we have issues when it comes to Ex’s his not mine out children.

I have 2DC who live with us go to their dads EOW. He has 3 children 2 with his Ex wife they come in the holidays (12,15) they live to far away he also has a DD who is 7 comes EOW and time in the holidays. The ones who live away are not to much of a problem only when DH has to work and I’m sort of left looking after them. His DD who comes EOW is a problem. She won’t eat anything I cook, walks out of the room if I’m in there constantly giving me evils. I know it’s not her but has come from her mum who a couple of years ago got friends with my ExH partners her DD goes to same school as DH DD. They both got together and come up with the lost horrible story of child abuse directed at me. Fortunately I got my solicitor involved and she gave them 24 hours or she was taking the matter to the police needless to say they dropped all accusations (this was going on at the same time DH was having to deal with CMS and they came back with a less amount he should be paying then he was paying his Ex she obviously didn’t like it and came up with the abuse to stop DH having his DD)

Fast forward a couple of years I have nothing to do with his Ex she makes my blood boil but it’s affecting our relationship as in struggling to get over what she had accused me off I feel uneasy looking after his DD on my own and I find it difficult having her in the house. She’s turning out to be quiet manipulative goes back to her mum and says stuff that hasn’t happened sometimes I’m not even here. Luckily DH stands by me but when ever he questions the Ex she just denies everything or twists it. We have just got back from a holiday and the Ex must have text about 15 times in 4 days. I’ve got to the point where I don’t want to know about any communication they have had. There is nothing going on their she got pregnant on third date after saying she was infertile DH tried to make it work didn’t last more than 6 months after His D was born.

I just wondering how other get on with Ex’s and step children as I’m starting to feel like a stranger in my own home when she comes. I’ve tried to do things include her baking, making crafts with her all she does is go back and tell her mum and tell her I left her out and her mum won’t believe anything other than her D even though DH has sent her photos of his DD being included in things.

Kinda at my wits end I don’t want it to come between my relationship.

Well for a start he needs to stop working when he has his child poor little thing is probably upset that it's meant to be her time with her dad and he's not there.
Also as serious allegations were made I think he should be with you when she is there
My own daughter has stopped seeing her dad for this very reason.
She's a young child and didn't ask for any of this.

He always has her when he’s off as I refuse to put myself at risk of accusations. That’s what so wrong she’s only 7 and this is what is happening. I don’t think she gets much attention from her mum so when she goes back from ours she gets questioned and that is attention from her mum.

He needs to be there when shes having access the poor barin sounds like she desperately want to spend time with her df. Shes got half siblings to contend with and you're two. Does she spend quality time with just her df? Remember shes still only young.

She does my two are 13 and 15 so I’m always taking them out places and doing things and deliberately organising things so he has time with just her. She gets on really well with my two and my DD (15) is always doing bits with her. It just seems that anything I do with her gets thrown back at me. It breaks my heart that what ever I cook (always home cooked meals from scratch) she says she don’t like it if her dad cooks exactly same meal she eats it. Im lost as to what to do she used to be really close to me preferring me to do things instead of her dad but that’s all changed and I’m not sure why. I’m now dreading her coming for weekends. Her mum has been on the phone tonight 6 times saying DD hated the holiday and she was left out and was hungry. DH has told her this isn’t true and DSD has a lovely time we ate out a lot so certainly didn’t go hungry made friends. DH took her swimming every afternoon on her own. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

7 years old and she is acting like this ? Her behaviour has to be a reflection of what her mother is saying . Sadly some women will sacrifice their child's wellbeing to get one over on the ex. I think you have to take a step back and let your H deal with her when she is with you . He may have to have a chat with her about her behaviour , why she doesn't seem happy ,how happy you both are to see her and all the other kids . Sadly some dads seem unable to discipline their children due to the guilt? of divorce or of not being there all the time . The mother will never change her mind so just carry on the best you can do . I would try to get some pics of kids playing etc to send to Mum to "reassure" her if needed .

Thank you for your reply. That is exactly my thoughts that it is her mother doing this. I’m taking a step back from her and H is dealing with her. He gets just as frustrated and also at his wits end. No amount of proof or him saying to his Ex what his D is saying isn’t true makes a blind bit of difference. The mother is a nasty piece of work and all she cares about is getting her money.

That’s the other things when she is with us she is happy and playing doing things but then we get a different account later on which appears once the mother has interrogated her.

Warning! Long post...

I went through this with my ex-boyfriend’s daughter who was also 7 years old at the time.

I left the relationship as I had stopped being able to cope and function with the abuse and bullying I was being subjected to by his daughter and his exW and then sadly him. In these situations, everyone is looking for a scapegoat for their own pain and quite often it is the step parent who is targeted. We are the easiest of targets, we aren’t biologically connected and we are often the newest member to the family dynamic. When people don’t want to resolve their own shortcomings/mistakes in their broken family history, the default move is to blame another. You’ve no doubt done nothing to warrant this, you’ve no doubt put yourself completely out to be accommodating and loving and fun and caring. It won’t change a thing. No amount of this, will suddenly turn your bully or bullies into loving and placid people. I’ve tried and tested it, it doesn’t work in my experience. And it doesn’t work because it can’t. It can’t work because you are not the source of their pain although they no doubt believe that you are. It is a misnomer.

As time has moved on and I’ve had time to reflect on what happened, I have understood that I got too emotionally involved and I bought into their warped perception of me. That was a mistake. I have realised that it wasn’t personal, it could have been any female fulfilling my role, it just so happened that it was me. It was not my heart or mind filled with hate and spite, but theirs. I realise now that I suffered because I absorbed all the hurtful lies and behaviours that were directed at me. They wanted me to be their victim and I conceded. Oh boy, massive mistake.

So my advice to you is that you have three choices:

1. you state to your husband that you are not willing to tolerate any further bullying or nastiness from his daughter whilst she is in your company

2. you leave the relationship

3. you work at how to detach yourself emotionally from her/their bullying and spiteful behaviours

It’s a lot of drama, fear and insecurity tbh which is all rooted in their past, but it’s got nothing to do with you. If you can live in the present and resist being pulled into their negativity, I see no reason why you can’t happily remain in the relationship and be HAPPY despite their continuing bullying. It’ll take a fair bit of inner work to get there... but it’s not impossible.

Good luck

My SD did the same thing. She went home and told her mother lies. She did this for attention and drama. I put up with it for years until she got a phone! My H went through her phone and we read the lies she had written. My H was so confused and hurt but I at last felt vindicated. It all blew up and BM has excepted that her DD is a liar at last which must have hurt but she has never apologised for the way she treated us. Blended families must communicate! All I’ve ever wanted was support from BM and if I had had-it ,my relationship with SD would be very different I’m sure. But I have detached myself from her now almost completely. I can’t get hurt anymore. She’ll never change but now my H understands and excepts that I won’t have any involvement now. And I’m happier.

Thank you for your replies. I’m distancing from her until things improve. DH is always about and knows exactly what her lies are. It seems she does it for attention from her BM which is so sad. DH understands and gets just as frustrated.