How to handle sibling rivalry

[whoopsiegoodlife]

Hi there,

Just looking for some tips and advice as we have a week coming up which both my DS(6) and my DH's DS(8) are spending with us.

Over the last few months we have begun to notice that the boys (who previously got along very well) are starting to snip and gripe at each other - nothing to worry about really, its not on a large scale - but I find it hard to deal with, and I am never sure how to react as this is a new thing.

Should we sit them down and ask what the problem is, why suddenly they don't get on? Or should we deal with it re-actively...if so, how? Neither myself or my DH have much experience in dealing with this.

Any thoughts would be gratefully received as I am getting a bit anxious about it. It just leaves a really bad atmosphere that I want to avoid. TIA

Thanks both. Good ideas. And Random... I think you've hit the nail square on the head. I think this is more about my childhood if I'm being totally honest. It really feels like a kick in the stomach when I see ds being rejected. It physically hurts. I had a terrible relationship with my sister growing up and I just wanted her to love me and play with me

I've got two children and sometimes they both wanted to play as a family or one wanted to do a specific thing.
Just make sure they get a turn to choose family/alone time. You can't please all of the people all of the time!

This is what my boys are like now and they're only 4 and 6!! They go through phases of wanting to play together and other times they just want to be on their own. They usually like similar things, but I do encourage them to have their own separate interests as well.

It's pretty common for the youngest to want to spend a lot of time with the eldest and the eldest just to be sick to the back teeth of the youngest.

If DSS is asking for time alone then respect that. Also make sure that he gets to choose and decide what to do with some of the communal activities as well.

Truthfully - it sounds like normal sibling stuff. My two (and they are “full” brother and sister and live with their mum and their dad) are 9 and 6. My most common sentence to them is “would you two stop bickering”. Usually accompanied by “I don’t care who went deepest in the sea / ran the fastest / built the tallest tower / touched the other one first / looked at each other in the wrong way”.

I don’t have any magic solutions. We have a “bickering chart” where every time their bickering gets really annoying we add an extra point (after a warning). After a day of no (well not much - we haven’t had a day of none since 2017) bickering they lose half a point. If their points go over 3 they lose their screen time.

Thanks all. I really so know its normal stuff, and that I probably need to deal with my own childhood issues.

Good idea with the bickering chart! We have a chart where they earn money by doing good things / chores etc, maybe we can incorporate bickering in there... Money off each time they bicker...

Be aware that you don't fall into victimising your DS because you are putting your hurt into him. We can't choose our families and there is no reason why siblings should get on/be close.

If you keep thinking/feeling poor DS you do both DC a disservice. If DS is a doer still have playmates for him at a weekend etc.

I'm going to really try my best to not victimise ds. What you say makes a lot of sense.

What makes it doubly as hard is because at the moment we have involvement with Social Services as ds is wing abused by his father (some physical slapping and some verbal name calling etc). Contact between the is as normal while SS investigate. It kills me knowing I can't protect ds from his father, and when I see dss treat ds less than favourably it just hurts. I want da to feel safe and loved in at least one of his households.

Thanks Random

Just started the Siblings Without Rivalry book... Opened the first page and saw this... Made me feel really emotional

But your dss is not doing anything to hurt your child? I think, as others have said politely, you are massively projecting onto this child.

Yes, I've acknowledged that this is more about my own childhood at least a couple of times. My ds is being physically and emotionally hurt by his father. I can see that when he is rejected by his dss he is also hurt, there isn't a doubt about that. I am overly protective I imagine because I can't protect him from his father, and having had a history of child abuse myself I guess I might have lost perspective.

It’s the only time I feel real dislike for my lovely dd - when she uses her brilliant, amazing brain to think of the perfect words to say to provide maximum hurt to her little brother.

But he isn't saying horrid things to his sibling, he just quiet and needs space for him.

Forcing play may make him resent his sibling and not want to come. His contact with his dad is important, they may be too different to ever be good friends.

Dss tell ds how annoying he is all the time, and that he'd rather play with his other step brother (his mum's partners child) and that he's dumb.

Your DP needs to talk to DSS about him Needing to be kind and also to find out why he is currently being unkind.

He's had the conversation with dss loads of times...

It just seems to make him dislike ds even more...

You say your son is overbearing and that you find it hard to be around him sometimes, yet you expect an 8yr old to put up with it. Maybe you should work with your son to be a little less full on and make sure your dss has space to escape if it is getting too much and the friendship might return a bit.

I don't expect anything. I just want everyone to get on and I am asking advice on how to do that. I try every day to make ds "less full on" but that's his personality and yes 8 find it hard sometimes but I live him and I don't want him to feel bad in his own home. We respect dss alone time whenever he asks for it, he has alone time with his father regularly, yet he is still resentful of ds. Its hard to know what to do.

My ds just asked me why his dsb didn't like him, I wasn't sure what to say, any advice?

We're family, sometimes we get along sometimes we fall out, but we're always family?

At school he probably has classmates who he likes even though they don't hang out all of the time. Some kids in the playground will play football, others will play Tag while others sit and gossip. Doing different things doesn't mean you don't like someone . The 2 boys are individuals and not clones and differences can be a good thing in some instances. (Opposites attract)

At school he probably has classmates who he likes even though they don't hang out all of the time. Some kids in the playground will play football, others will play Tag while others sit and gossip. Doing different things doesn't mean you don't like someone . The 2 boys are individuals and not clones and differences can be a good thing in some instances. (Opposites attract)

At school he probably has classmates who he likes even though they don't hang out all of the time. Some kids in the playground will play football, others will play Tag while others sit and gossip. Doing different things doesn't mean you don't like someone . The 2 boys are individuals and not clones and differences can be a good thing in some instances. (Opposites attract)