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Original poster

How to handle sibling rivalry

54 replies

whoopsiegoodlife · 31/07/2019 11:00

Hi there,

Just looking for some tips and advice as we have a week coming up which both my DS(6) and my DH's DS(8) are spending with us.

Over the last few months we have begun to notice that the boys (who previously got along very well) are starting to snip and gripe at each other - nothing to worry about really, its not on a large scale - but I find it hard to deal with, and I am never sure how to react as this is a new thing.

Should we sit them down and ask what the problem is, why suddenly they don't get on? Or should we deal with it re-actively...if so, how? Neither myself or my DH have much experience in dealing with this.

Any thoughts would be gratefully received as I am getting a bit anxious about it. It just leaves a really bad atmosphere that I want to avoid. TIA

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Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 31/07/2019 12:05

Anyone?

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CatalogueUniverse · 31/07/2019 12:10

Kids that are rising 9 can suddenly be quite different from younger kids. Causes friction for a while as the different developmental stages need different things. Are you treating them as a pack or doing anything different for older/younger?

83gWFeei6p3TTWD · 31/07/2019 12:18

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Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 31/07/2019 12:18

Thanks Catalogue - we were hoping it was because the older one was...well.. getting older. Glad to hear you say that.

We do tend to do things more in a pack (but always mindful that each of us get 1-1 time too) but I don't think that is working anymore.

DSS has started saying he likes "alone time" and we give it to him when appropriate but I worry that (even though he asks for this time) actually he might feel left out because while is is reading a book or playing computer, myself DH and DS are doing something else together, if that makes sense? We do try and coax him into joining us but he says he is happy alone.

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CatalogueUniverse · 31/07/2019 12:31

Maybe make a few changes that show that he is older. Stagger bedtime, give him different tasks/chores/ split them up to 1 on 1 sometimes with parents. Do some stuff just with him with both of you when the 6 year old is happily occupied (lol).

You could ask him to suggest family activities that he would like to do. Film choice etc. Give him a bit of room away from the small one. Basically show that you recognise he is older.

It’s tricky cos with a 2 year gap you can treat them the same for quite a few years, but some ages you just can’t.

Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 31/07/2019 12:39

Thanks again, useful advice. Some of the stuff we already do (different bedtimes) but yes you're right...a bit more "responsibility" for him wouldn't go amiss.

Problem is the 6 year old can be demanding, he requires a lot of attention. He's always been this way, doesn't like playing on his own (its almost like he doesn't know how, even though we try and teach him). I hope DSS doesn't feel like DS gets more attention...we try so hard not to do this. They are such different characters. DS is really full on and DSS is much more mellow.

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RandomMess · 31/07/2019 12:41

My youngest is full on and we keep her occupied to give her siblings a break Grin more tricky when you just have two though.

Will your youngest watch DVDs etc?

Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 31/07/2019 12:44

Haha yes that's what it feels like we are doing too. We tell DS that DSS likes his alone time and not to be upset or offended that DSS doesn't want to play. We try all sorts - films, board games, taking him out to the park separately.

Sometimes it does feel as though DSS really doesn't like DS though. The other day I saw him giving DS a look of pure hatred. I felt really sad.

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Didiusfalco · 31/07/2019 12:52

To dss your ds probably feels like an annoying younger sibling he’s not actually related to. I think it’s pretty normal to find younger siblings irritating, and wouldn’t be particularly concerned by a look of hatred (which is objectively hard to judge anyway). I think you have to make sure your ds is not being overbearing and respect dss wish to not play with him if he doesn’t want to. Dss might be an introvert and need alone time to recharge, particularly if not in his usual home environment.

Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 31/07/2019 13:01

Didiusfalco - agree 100%

I know my DS annoys DSS (Hell, he annoys me sometimes and I'm his mother!). DS is naturally overbearing outgoing, whereas DSS is an introvert.

We are very careful to let DS know when DSS needs alone time and he is respectful of that (albeit sad that he doesn't want to play).

Its just sad that up until a few months ago things were so different. They were thick as thieves! Its just hard to see them like this, and quite exhausting at times.

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RandomMess · 31/07/2019 13:13

I really recommend the books "How to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" plus "siblings without rivalry"

It's ok for DSS to loathe your DS sometimes! It may be helpful to pass comment to DS about "sometimes it's great having someone like DS to play with and sometimes it just feels too full on" etc - this is how children learn to cope with their intense feelings towards others both good and bad.

Ask both DS to write a "private" list of what the like and dislike about each other. Half of it will probably horrify you but actually to get those feelings acknowledged as valid often makes them more tolerant.

Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 31/07/2019 13:20

Hi Random - I read "how to talk" a few years ago but I think I might revisit now that this situation has arisen. Thanks for the other recommendation. I live by these helpful books.

That is a great idea about the private lists of likes and dislikes. Validation and acknowledgement of how they feel about one another can only be a good thing.

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Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 31/07/2019 13:31

Have ordered Siblings Without Rivalry - thanks again

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swingofthings · 31/07/2019 13:49

Definitely talk to them and encourage them to express their needs. Kids are all different, some value quiet time on their own whilst others love interaction. I spent way too much time encouraging DS to do things with me and DD or even just him and I feeling guilty if I did things with her only. It took many years to realise that he likes his own company and didn't feel neglected.

If you SS needs quiet time, then it's important to ensure he gets that.

Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 31/07/2019 13:54

Swing - thats exactly how I feel - I don't want him to feel left out. I thought maybe the reason he was not enjoying DS's company anymore was because he felt excluded. But I have to understand that he is asking for time alone, that he wants time alone, and not to feel guilty about it.

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RandomMess · 31/07/2019 14:10

I failed to mention my youngest is now 14, DH and I still have to keep her busy to stop her "annoying" her siblings Wink

Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 31/07/2019 14:22

Oh gawd 😂

I am the younger sister by 6 years and hated feeling excluded by my sibling. I felt like I was really hated. I don't want the younger boy to feel like this but I guess it's kind of inevitable.

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RandomMess · 31/07/2019 15:18

They don't exclude her, they are all very different and she is a "doer" and needs to be kept busy for everyone's sanity...

The eldest (there are 4) moans the most and of course ironically they are the most alike 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 which I love to remind her of...

pikapikachu · 31/07/2019 21:22

You can still make a child who's having alone time feel special. Pop into the room every now and then and see if he wants to come down for a drink, offer some blankets or cushions for comfort or you can sit down and chat to him one on one while he shows you his game )assuming no gaming headset here)

The boys clearly have different personalities and dss' need for space is as important for his happiness as ds' need for interaction and it's good that he has a different routine because he's older. My oldest 2 have 24months between them and while it's easier to treat them the same, the older one in particular appreciates recognition that he's older.

Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 01/08/2019 10:42

Thanks all

I think recognising DSS is older and respecting his alone time is key here. I spoke to DH last night and he assured me that just because DSS wants to sit alone, doesn't mean he feels excluded. So I am going to get that notion out of my mind and accept that he is okay.

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Northernparent68 · 02/08/2019 18:49

Does your dss get any time alone with his dad

Harpingon · 02/08/2019 18:58

Does he maybe feel like he has to look after his younger brother? It sounds like it may be tiring and he needs a break.

Original poster
whoopsiegoodlife · 03/08/2019 21:28

They do have father and son time, we make sure at least once a week they either spend the night alone (we go to my mum's) or they do a hobby together, without us.

I don't feel like dss thinks he's looking after ds. It feels a bit more like he just can't be arsed with him!! Which I understand is normal in kids their age. It's just hard to watch and difficult to know how to react, that's all.

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greenwaterbottle · 03/08/2019 21:43

Maybe get them to plan the outings or games nights/crafts etc. Specify which are one parent activities and which are whole family. And then which times are alone time if anyone wants.
So it's a balanced time?

RandomMess · 03/08/2019 22:24

Make sure you aren't projecting your childhood sadness/disappointment on your DS.

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