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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Feel bad for saying no.....

25 replies

steppyh · 30/07/2019 21:30

Dh has just taken dss home because I said I couldn't look after him tomorrow.

Dss has been on holiday and dh has spent no proper time with him for a few weeks. Dss mum took him on holiday during what should have been dhs time.

Anyway this morning dh said dss was coming for tea which was absolutely fine. I asked dh if he was sleeping over and dh said no.

Dss dropped off before dh came home at tea time. Dh comes home and asked what I was doing tomorrow and I immediately knew that's because plans and changed somewhere and dss could sleep.

Dh explained that his ex has said he could sleep if he wanted too but I'd have to look after him all day tomorrow and he would be collected at tea time. Dh cannot have tomorrow off at such short notice.

I have plans tomorrow with my 3 dcs. Eldest one is autistic and youngest one is a baby - safe to say I have my hands full as it is! But I'll always have dss if I can.

However tomorrow I'm talking all 3 dcs to a friends house and my eldest ds who has autism probably won't cope with this too well. It's been arranged a while. Plus the baby is wild and crawling and getting into everything. I'm sort of dreading tomorrow as it is without taking another child. Dss is 5 and in all honesty....he's massively hard work and quite naughty when he wants to be. I just couldn't do it with 4 kids. I also don't think it's fair on my friend, she's a newish friend and I've never been to her house before. I don't feel I can message her and ask if I can bring another one along!

Anyway dh sort of said it was fine but then later asked why I couldn't take dss aswell. I said it would be too hard for me.

Then dss started to say he wanted to sleep and I could feel dh waiting for me to say 'oh it's ok, I'll manage'. But I didn't and dss has gone home.

Now I feel a bit shitty but I sort of feel I'm being used abit by dh and his ex. Her reasoning for him to sleep was so dh could have some time with him. Dss went home at 9pm so he wasn't missed any time. He would be away at work before dss woke up in the morning and I'd have to deal with everything. Dss didn't even have a car seat so I'd have to wait for the ex to drop that off too (it's our car seat but it's ended up where she uses it and so do we which is fine).

I just feel bad for saying no when dh hasn't seen dss properly for about 4 weeks. I just know I couldn't handle going to a friends house with 4 kids tomorrow. Ds1 is going to find it difficult and ds 2 is a baby. Dss would just go in and probably get everything out and make a mess

Theres no way I'm cancelling either, my friend has bought food in especially for lunch.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

thethoughtfox · 30/07/2019 21:33

You have made the best decision for your family. There are lots of women on this board who are taken advantage of.

MichelleC69 · 30/07/2019 21:33

Don't feel bad, he was wrong to ask you at such short notice. And if the whole point was for him to see more of his child, that wouldn't have happened if he was at work all day!

user1493413286 · 30/07/2019 21:34

There’s nothing wrong with saying no; it’d be tricky to just ask to bring an extra child along and seeing as DSS went home at 9pm I can’t see the benefit of him staying over as he wouldn’t have had any extra time with his dad anyway

Original poster

steppyh · 30/07/2019 21:38

Thanks all. I just needed the perspective of others. I'm having him a few times through the summer which is all arranged and I know when I'm having him. I've got plans in my heads for these days. Even if we were going to the park or something - I probably would of still said yes. It's going to someone's house is the reason I've said no.

OP posts:

pikapikachu · 30/07/2019 23:37

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Your h needs to make some proper time for his son.

Posymarie · 31/07/2019 10:49

I think most men think like this my DH has 3 children 2 live 350 miles away only come in holidays and he has DD that lives 10 mins away. He often will say he can have them without thinking how it affects my plans but don’t change his. I have 2 DC from previous marriage. This year I have booked a week away when he has his children unfortunately mine are with my ex because I’ve learnt he will do things find excuses not to do anything with them so my plan was that going away he has to spend time with them. I don’t think he finds parenting easy and at times seems quite awkward.

He don’t do much with my two but they are both teenagers. I have a funny relationship with his DD that lives with 10 mins away in the fact that she won’t stay in room with me says she board all the time won’t eat anything I cook or clothes I have for dinner for her I know this is her mums doing! she is 8 and hard work so I try to avoid having her on my own, it has caused issues and arguments in the past but slowly he has come to realise she is his responsibility.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/07/2019 19:05

I would have taken him along. A friend wouldn’t mind one more given there are already three.

Presumably your DH helps care/support your children that aren’t his so would be hurt when the same is not returned.

broken1982 · 31/07/2019 23:10

IceCreamAndCandyfloss I would bloody mind if you just randomly brought another child on top of 3 children already to my house especially if you were a new friend

TheChain · 01/08/2019 09:19

Dss didn't even have a car seat so I'd have to wait for the ex to drop that off too (it's our car seat but it's ended up where she uses it and so do we which is fine)
I’m confused why his ex couldn’t collect DSS in the morning? If she has time to drop a car seat off then she could have made the time to pick him up and presumably drop him wherever he should have been going whilst she was at work anyway?

TheChain · 01/08/2019 09:22

Or couldn’t you have dropped him off where he was supposed to be today? I’m assuming childcare had been arranged if both parents were at work?

Pineapplefish · 01/08/2019 09:24

You've done the right thing OP. If DH wants to see more of DSS then that's great, but he'll be at work all day tomorrow so he wouldn't have been seeing more of him! DH and his ex need to plan some time when DSS and DH are both available.

Sicario · 01/08/2019 09:30

Don't feel bad. I know it's hard. Us women are conditioned to put other people first, including little people. Men know this and take advantage. They completely minimise the work entailed in childcare. The "one more won't make any difference" attitude is nonsense.

The dynamic between you and your children changes when the step child is there. I know this from experience and have seen the same with friends in similar situations.

Your DH should make time for his child on an exclusive basis, although the chances of this happening are slim. One of my friends put it brilliantly: "He views his child as a problem to be managed rather than someone special to spend quality time with."

SnuggyBuggy · 01/08/2019 09:34

Your DH needs to work on his organisational skills and make time for his child.

Original poster

steppyh · 01/08/2019 09:44

Dss lives about 35 mins from us. His mum works 10 mins past us - so 45 mins away from her house and passes our house which is why she would of collected him at the end of the day.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss clearly missing the point about my sen child. He needs my 100% focus in these situations. Adding another child to the mix does not help.

Dss is here this weekend and then I have him one day next week also which is already arranged. I have a feeling the ex is going to ask me to have him on Monday instead of him going home Sunday evening. I've already made a point to dh that I cannot do this as one of my parents goes to hospital on that day and I need to take them. Again I can't fit dss in the car. Dh already knows this too so hoping if the question arrises then he know I can't do it.

Like I say, I'll have dss if I can. If I can bring him to something then I will do happily. Not an issue. It's just when I have plans where I can't have dss, I feel I'm expected to either drop them, change them or stress myself out massively.

OP posts:

Original poster

steppyh · 01/08/2019 09:46

@SnuggyBuggy but it's not really dh? We did what was planned? He came for tea for a few hours. It was his ex that asked me to have dss for the day. Not dh.

Dh has just started a new job this week and it is impossible for him to ask for time off already! He's been there 4 days now

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 01/08/2019 09:49

Him staying the night wasn’t spending time with his dad as he was working. Are your 3 all under 5? I think you’re being used as holiday childcare, quite right to say no, your DH has a cheek expecting you to accommodate his ideas and change your plans.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/08/2019 09:49

You need to tell ex to talk to DH and not you when it comes to arrangements for DSS. It shouldn't be on you to facilitate this.

Sicario · 01/08/2019 09:55

I once said to his ex - I am not your creche. (Although I don't recommend you say the same!)

Original poster

steppyh · 01/08/2019 10:17

@Bookworm4 I think it's partly that and also partly the ex seeing how far she can push. As already said, I have a few dates to have dss over the coming weeks which have been agreed and they are fine. But she will literally leave it to the last minute and suggest he stays over. I think it's just her way of controlling things. If we say no it looks bad. If we say yes then she thinks she can just control us.

There's even been times when she's got dss to ring and ask dh if he can sleep tonight.

Last time was when the dcs had separate Easter hols. Dss was off school and we dcs were still at school.

Dss was coming for tea, that was fine. But about 20 mins before he was dropped off, dss rang dh and asked if he could sleep that night. He's 5 years old. Again, dh had work and couldn't get the day off at such short notice so it fell on to me.

I had to take the dcs to school, then church service (dcs were singing with school for Easter) then baby swim club. Then I had my Smear test!! ....after that a 2 hour drive to drop my dcs work their dad for a week so again I said no. But we looked like the bad ones which I think she enjoys. And she will say 'don't say I don't offer you extra time' but she knows that time is completely inconvenient and last minute!

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 01/08/2019 10:19

It does look like she’s being manipulative, you don’t make a 5 yr old call and ask to stay. Your DP needs to speak to her and put down some ground rules, it’s unfair on the wee boy, she’s setting him up to be hurt and to emotionally manipulate you both.

Sicario · 01/08/2019 10:27

Do you care what his ex thinks of you? I'd put those kind of worries straight in the bin. This situation is not of your making.

Hand the whole thing squarely back to your DH and tell him not to make any arrangements that involve you without asking you first. And practice saying no.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/08/2019 10:29

Oh screw being the bad person. Why do you even care what she thinks of you?

Original poster

steppyh · 01/08/2019 10:30

@Bookworm4 thanks, I know he's going to be one very mixed up kid. Ex has had many relationships, each one doing the 'dad role' and the latest one moved in after 2 months of them being together. He has 5 kids! 8 months later and now they are engaged. Disaster written all over it.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 02/08/2019 13:41

No need to feel bad. If you do these things at the drop of a hat, you get taken for granted.

Femodene · 03/08/2019 12:59

You’re explaining yourself far too much, tell your husband that childcare is to be arranged between him and his ex, you are not default childcare, and he isn’t not to put you in situations where you have to justify yourself or provide childcare for him. If he tries to bully you by saying shite like ‘oh so you don’t want to help me/you hate my kid’ etc, just repeat that it’s between him and his ex, contact is for the benefit of the child, being palmed off and not seeing his father doesn’t work.

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