Please help.

[Stepmum928]

I’m engaged and my partner has a son from a previous relationship- he is 11. I have known him for 3 years, we have him every other weekend and 2 nights in the week. We make it feel like home, he has his own room decorated just how he likes it and he loves to come here. His mum is very difficult and palms him off just about as much as she can and it can end up that we have him 4 weekends in a row plus extra days in the week. This wouldn’t really bother me but my partner doesn’t communicate with me, he just accepts having him Whenever and expects me to fit my plans accordingly- which can be at extremely short notice, mostly that day. I do the school run, cook every meal, make every packed lunch, get him up, wash clothes, clean the house after them both- everything a mum and wife would normally do BUT the thing is nobody asks, they just expect. I just feel extremely fed up. Even my partners mum when asked to pick her grandson up at school, questions where I am and why I haven’t gone to collect him? Like it’s solely my responsibility. My partner is very touchy so I cannot talk to him. He is very stubborn. I’m struggling. What makes it harder is that I cannot seem to develop a bond with my step son... his parents think it’s acceptable that he plays video games morning noon and night and I cannot get to spend any time to get to know him. When he’s at ours his dad pussyfoots Around him and says that we cannot go out and do things because he ‘gets bored’, so we end up staying in and the little lad stays in his room on games with the door shut. He even brings his Nintendo downstairs when we eat. He never says please or thank you and his dad doesn’t ever correct him. But when I mention it to my partner he tells me to butt out and makes out I have an issue with his son. I really don’t BUT it is affecting my life and I want to be involved. I feel like it’s okay for my input when it’s benefiting but when I try and offer a suggestion or talk about something that affects me he cuts me off and makes out I’m selfish. I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep feeling like this. It’s beginning to make me feel resentful and I don’t want that, I just wanna feel like a family. Not an outsider in my own home

Are you planning on having children together? If your parenting styles are this different

This sounds really unfair; you’re expected to do all the care taking of your stepson but you’re not allowed to have opinions on parenting or any input on making decisions about his life. He can’t have it both ways and your stepsons behaviour needs correcting, if you’re taking him fun places then I don’t see how he can get bored and i think it’s just laziness on your partners side to leave him playing video games.
I think the first step is to just say sorry you can’t change your plans when your partner expects you to drop everything. There is nothing wrong with saying that otherwise your partner is controlling your life through his son.
I also never say this but I wonder what insight this gives you to having a child with your partner, that you’ll be left to do everything?

Do you really want to marry this man?
Trust me, it won't get any easier.

BUT the thing is nobody asks, they just expect.

I feel your pain but can see how, so long as you keep doing everything, nothing will change

In your position, I would not marry this man, not until his DC had left home and were independent. Sorry, he doesn't sound like the right kind of person for you to have a family.

Why have you just slipped into the thankless role of doing 'everything'. Just, well, don't.

Yeah these are my thoughts exactly. It has put me off the idea of having kids with him. I love him very much and aside from this we have a great relationship. To add a bit of context my partner moved to America when his little boy was small for a year and he carries that guilt of leaving him. I think he tries to compensate by giving him everything he wants but it’s at the expense of us at times. He dismisses my feelings as just pure resentment towards his son which is so not true. I try really hard and any resentment that may be starting to brew is over this expectation and lack of communication

Lady if your partner is treating you like this the best thing is to either move out or ask him to. When he does not have an available childminder at a drop of a pin or a maid to cater to his needs maybe just maybe his eyes will open and he will realise you did not want to alienate the child but assist in bringing him up .. but on MN step mums are evil and must butt out 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do the school run, cook every meal, make every packed lunch, get him up, wash clothes, clean the house after them both

OP this wouldn’t be okay if he was your child, and he’s not! Why are you doing it all? Stop. You say he won’t discuss it, so don’t. Just stop doing stuff for them. Clean your own clothes, buy and cook your own food, and don’t do the school run. FGS don’t marry him. You know exactly what he’s like and you’d be insane to commit yourself to him. You need to work on your boundaries, they don’t seem to exist.

Sorry op but it doesn't sound like the relationship is sustainable like this.

Yeah I have started to say no and question things which is why we are now arguing all the time over it. He just gets defensive. His last relationship was with a woman who wasn’t very nice to to his son, I think he’s now looking for things that aren’t there

My ex was like this and I put up with it way too long. Not allowed to make any parenting decisions or any discipline but expected to just put up with bad behaviour

He dismisses my feelings as just pure resentment towards his son

Oh, wow, I really really sorry Stepmum928

Are you still bring ahem intimate with this man who is treating you so badly ? Can we encourage you to take these comments from perfect strangers on board and start getting angry with how he is taking you for granted?

He tells you about the ex who was horrible to his son, to try and keep you compliant. I wonder what her version of the story might be? Did he take her for granted until her resentment bubbled up ?

To be fair his soon isn’t badly behaved and rarely causes a major issue. It’s just basic things like cleaning up after himself, fetching snacks, saying please or thank you etc. It’s just those simple requests I give that my partner uses to make out I have an issue with his son. His son probably doesn’t have those basic manners because he is never off his xbox (he’s been like this since age 6). They reckon he has autism or adhd but no diagnosis. And as somebody who teaches SEN children and is trained in that area. I have a good understanding of what his child is showing and that’s lack of socialisation and confidence by overheating people saying that he’s got something ‘wrong’ with him.

Hmm probably, I’ve never really even thought of it from that side. At first I just went along with it but now I’m starting to get fed up. Like, what’s in it for me?? The only thing that keeps me here is that I love him. I know that sounds pathetic. But usually he’s a lovely man that would do anything for me but when it’s about his son idk I think he becomes someone totally different

Unfortunately poor socialisation, being allowed to play too many computer games to the exclusion of anything else etc can produce similar symptoms to medical conditions, he may or may not have the conditions you listed but none are an excuse for poor manners or obsessive gaming, parents set the rules - and yes it's hard to drag an autistic preteen hiking or to stately homes but they need the variety (it paid off my asd dd is studying history!). Your dp doesn't want to parent his son, past guilt, or just avoiding conflict, it's irrelevant he needs to step up.

But do you really want to stay with him? Think carefully

I love him

This is what makes the whole blended family situation soooo complicated. As stucknoue says, think carefully. You are started out with the best of intentions, have bonded with the farther and are now beginning to feel (very understandable) resentment that you are being taken for granted.

I am very sorry, but nothing about him sounds promising for a future together with his existing DS, never mind your own DC.

How would you feel about your own child being allowed to grow up like that ? Or are you already planning to do all the parenting yourself?

Previous comment about him wanting a maid-cum-nanny for his son is pretty much spot on.

Childcare and child-rearing is a relentless, thankless hamster-wheel. No wonder he doesn't want to do it.

Tell him you're not going to do it any more and see what happens. In his eyes, this is part of the "deal" with you as a couple. It's your job, because you are a woman.

I have been a step-parent and it absolutely did my head in. (Not the child - but the father, and the assumption that I would do everything.)

Frankly, under those kind of circumstances, I wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy. Let him take responsibility for his child, in every way (ie: for him to do everything that you are doing).

PS: I have a fantastic relationship with my step who is now 30 :)

Op just say no. Sit down with both of them and say this isn't working so from now on if you wnat xyz then please ask your dad or son. I don't wnat to come between you as I love you both so this is for the best. Leave them to. It

I would never put up with a man telling me to "butt out" about the children I am welcoming into my home and personal space, but the fact that he does this whilst also expecting you to do all the "mum stuff" (sexist much?) for HIS kid is laughable. If he is going to be that rude about you having input into his upbringing or even being allowed to discuss it, I would absolutely say "well in that case I will also butt out of the day to day care stuff, if you're not going to respect me as a step mum I'm certainly not going to put myself out to act like his actual mum, you can do it yourself since you're his parent".

In all honesty though I would leave him. He sounds like an entitled, sexist prick and it's only going to get worse.

Why on Earth would you stay with someone you "cannot talk to"?

Do you really love him though? Or do you love who you thought he was ie the person he pretended to be to reel you in? Or do you love who you hoped he would be with time ie the potential of him?

So many new partners must realise why the first relationship failed when they wake up to what shits they are living with.

My exH's new partner does all the parenting of our dc when they visit. It's shit for the kids and shit for her.

You're being used as a free housekeeper and school drop/picks.

You aren't consulted or appreciated. Just expected to do it. Why is that okay with you and why are you tolerating it?

What does his dad actually do in the name of parenting?

This so called love is why single dads get away with doing the bare minimum...because women like yourself enable them.

Why are you changing arrangements last minute because of his child? Do you work?

Don't be a convenient home help and childcare provider for a man who doesn't even value you enough to consult you, when he wants you to look after his child.

I'm going to be really blunt here OP, there is nothing in this relationship for you, it's all on his terms and that's highly unlikely to change. If you cut your losses now I think you will look back and feel relieved you left when you did, if you stay and have DC with this man I suspect you will have a lot of regrets later down the line.

I know you love him, but he will kill that love bit by bit if you let things carry on as they are. It might be worth trying an ultimatum, he stops treating you like the hired help or you leave, but you have to be prepared to follow it through. I'm not sure you can fix this level of disrespect though tbh, it sounds pretty ingrained in his family and it will be very hard for you to shake off the role he and his family have assigned you. I would be walking away, sorry OP

He needs to step up and start parenting his own son!

You sound like an amazing step mum and partner. It also sounds like you are having a glimpse into the future if you have your own kids with this guy. Even the most robust and loving relationships take a hit when a baby comes along, because priorities change and time is scarce. If your partner won't communicate effectively with you now, won't allow you parenting input and expects you to do all the work and carry the whole load - what on earth will it be like if you have a baby as well?

I think I would seriously be considering leaving in your position. He is taking you for granted. Good luck!

It's fair to go 'cold turkey' with your OH. But what about DSS? He's just an 11 yo boy. He won't understand why you've suddenly withdrawn - why there's no meals or clean clothes; why his father is cross and bad tempered etc. Could you change in a way that he understands?

So my suggestion FWIW -- If you're home alone looking after DSS, would you have a chance to sit him down (without OH) and talk to him about how you would like your relationship to be, so that it suits both of you? Maybe you could open up lines of communication with him by asking that you have a 1:1 conversation no screens for at least 15 minutes every other day - just to chat - and a 10 min conversation every week to talk about how your mutual give and take is going? Maybe during those chats you could find out where he might like to go on an outing? with you or with his dad or with both of you. Help him out by giving him a list of ideas (bowling, laser tag, tech museum, arcade centre, pier, aquapark, - maybe research days out with young teens. Lots of MNers will have ideas.

Hopefully you can gently tell him that you don't want to be his mum or dad's - or his - maid. You'd like to be his dad's partner and his step mum. If this isn't supported his dad and mum are going to have to work out how to care for him themselves = maybe they could employ a maid?

Frankly your DSS sounds like he has been through alot (neither parent firmly in his corner, multiple changes to his routine, & struggling to bond with his dad's partners, his main form of company is a Nintendo). I bet he's sad. How's his self-esteem and confidence in public?

It won't be easy to reduce his screen time - you'll need to do that slowly and sensitively. At the moment it's his coping strategy.

If you try something like the above, and it doesn't work I think you could then withdraw your housemaid work and 11yo DSS will have had a chance to understand.