Stepson help

[ElizabethG]

Hi, just wanting some advice please.
My stepson aged 5,
Comes every Sunday for the full day, as his mum stopped contact a year ago and asked for supervised visits by herself and my partner.
However, we for few months have been having my step son again on his own for the full day, every week. He keeps asking when he can sleep over etc., holidays and what not. We tell her everytime he mentions it, then she says she will ask him herself etc., then tells us, he has said he doesn’t want to sleep over yet etc., he mentioned few weeks ago, he isn’t allowed to call me step mummy because he will get told off and the fact me and his dad are not married, he said his grandad told him this. I’ve been in his life since one years old, it’s all he has ever called me. I said to him, okay, well what do you want to call me? He said I want to call you stepmummy and I told grandad that but he said no. We told his mum, she said she would speak to his grandad about it… Never heard anything since, then the other day he said I want to see you both more, I get upset at mummy’s and cry because I’m sad, we said why do you cry? He said because I miss you. So we said you can see us whenever you want, and for tea in the week more. He said I want to sleep over. We told him we will tell his mum what we’ve spoke about etc., we did and she said, he always tells her he only wants to come for the day not sleeps… But I’ll ask him tonight she said… We seen him a few days later for tea, he said when can I see you more. We said for tea in the week OK? He looked upset and shocked and asked why not for sleep though? We said well because you’re not ready are you? He just said oh, well when I’m 15/16 Ill be allowed won’t I? We didn’t say no more. Told his mum waiting to hear back as they’ve gone on holiday, something we asked her to ask him if he’d like to come to the beach for the weekend, he apparently said no not yet… But constantly tells us can we go here there everywhere. We think it’s his grandad who is his mother’s stepdad. So not blood like me either. But have no clue what to do.

Your partner needs to go to court then if these informal/ad-hoc arrangements aren't working. He needs something set in stone where overnights are built into that plan.

That's that I keep thinking. We went to mediation, well he did, she apparently didn't get the letter or phone call. We have the form for court, trying to do it amicably. It's just hard, when he keeps telling us he wants too etc., and then goes away and says he don't? I made it very clear to him, we was going to talk to mummy about what he's asked, he completely understood. She trys to make out court won't allow it if he don't want too, he's 5, his voice won't be taken into consideration, which we keep trying to remind her.

See if you can get him an advocacy worker, DS1 had one when his dad and I were in court. It's a person who comes to see the child and get their views/feelings which can be passed to the court. Totally impartial, and no parent in the room to pressure. DS1s even went to school as that way I wasn't even there.

It sounds really hard, I hope you find a solution soon.

Thank you, will look into it!
It is hard, he cries sometimes going back to her, and it's so upsetting, because we have made the point not to ask him any questions about coming to stay over, so we do think when she asks him, if it is true what he says to her, its something he knows she might want to hear. Thank you.

I agree about getting a formal childcare arrangement in place. However, I would also say not to read too much into any tears he has when he leaves or that what he tells his mum/grandfather contradicts what he says to you because that is very typical of a child his age.

That's what we say though to her, about its his age, he will tell you one thing and another to us, it's his age, she says it isn't because they don't know how to do that etc.,

Wee soul

It's a tough situation, most of all for him, he's only wee. I really hope there can be a resolution that works for him, and for the rest of you.

it isn't because they don't know how to do that etc

And she is right. Children live very much in the moment so whilst he probably means it when he is with you he also probably means it when he is with her.

Children that age tend to say things to the NRP that they want to hear, and it’s very possible that if you went through court and the boy doesn’t want more contact with you the judge may overrule his wishes anyway leading to more problems. I suggest instead of including more overnights, his dad negotiates an extra day a week with the mum informally first. If his son still wants more contact then go through court.

Children that age tend to say things to the NRP that they want to hear

I don't think it's just NRPs. I think that especially if there's disagreement between the parents kids say what they think each one wants to hear. It's exactly why I got DS1 an advocacy worker and told him very clearly that there are no right or wrong answers, to say how he felt, not what he thought Mummy or Daddy wanted. But to say what he wanted and needed.

I should add his awesome headteacher was involved (and was the adult in the room with the advocacy worker) and she reiterated that it wasn't about Mummy or Daddy it was about DS1 and what was best for him.

It removed accusations of bias, meant his voice was heard in court without him having to go to court, and meant that he got to say, truthfully, how he felt.

Actually I think it's typical of kids full stop.
My DD is 10 and my XH and I parent 50/50.

When she's with him she's texting me telling me how much she misses me and it's making her sad, when she's with me she sometimes does the same to her dad.

Also don't forget that young kids don't like upsetting their parents. Although he might say this to you, if his mum asks him about it and he picks up on any reluctance on her part yes very likely to tell her what he thinks she wants to hear.

The onus should not be on the child at all. You and / or your OH need to speak directly to his mum to be clear on everything.

We do speak direct to her, its just when the little one bring it up constantly to us. We can't ignore him, we do sometimes when he mentions it, but when he constantly asks. It's very hard not to talk to him about it. We have a contact book between us aswell, we text, her and me get on very well.
Think it's more concerning about the grandad "apparently" telling the lad what he has. Etc.,

Also, could I add. That since contact was stopped and lowered a year ago, ever since he has been having accidents, soiling himself etc., at school and at his mums. But when he is with us he has never once done it. Blood tests and everything has come back fine. He is physically well. Could this be a factor of anything? Thanks!