Stepson help

[ElizabethG]

Hi, just wanting some advice please.
My stepson aged 5,
Comes every Sunday for the full day, as his mum stopped contact a year ago and asked for supervised visits by herself and my partner.
However, we for few months have been having my step son again on his own for the full day, every week. He keeps asking when he can sleep over etc., holidays and what not. We tell her everytime he mentions it, then she says she will ask him herself etc., then tells us, he has said he doesn’t want to sleep over yet etc., he mentioned few weeks ago, he isn’t allowed to call me step mummy because he will get told off and the fact me and his dad are not married, he said his grandad told him this. I’ve been in his life since one years old, it’s all he has ever called me. I said to him, okay, well what do you want to call me? He said I want to call you stepmummy and I told grandad that but he said no. We told his mum, she said she would speak to his grandad about it… Never heard anything since, then the other day he said I want to see you both more, I get upset at mummy’s and cry because I’m sad, we said why do you cry? He said because I miss you. So we said you can see us whenever you want, and for tea in the week more. He said I want to sleep over. We told him we will tell his mum what we’ve spoke about etc., we did and she said, he always tells her he only wants to come for the day not sleeps… But I’ll ask him tonight she said… We seen him a few days later for tea, he said when can I see you more. We said for tea in the week OK? He looked upset and shocked and asked why not for sleep though? We said well because you’re not ready are you? He just said oh, well when I’m 15/16 Ill be allowed won’t I? We didn’t say no more. Told his mum waiting to hear back as they’ve gone on holiday, something we asked her to ask him if he’d like to come to the beach for the weekend, he apparently said no not yet… But constantly tells us can we go here there everywhere. We think it’s his grandad who is his mother’s stepdad. So not blood like me either. But have no clue what to do.

Hello, I'm sad to hear this. It sounds to me like the ex is controlling your step sons contact with you. I don't see why it has anything to do with the grandad. Its a tricky one and I don't have much advice I just wanted to reply.
The only thing I would say, is my step son is 11 now and I've been with his dad since he was 4 and the amount of times he's played us off against his mum is unreal. We've had stories from him and him crying etc and we've pulled his mum up on it and later on its become apparent SS was lying/exaggerating by his own admission. I dread to think what he's said about us.

I think perhaps you and your DP need to speak with the ex about these concerns. She should let him try to stay over but be available incase he needs to come home really. Unreasonable behaviour from her and the grandad in my opinion.
Best of luck.

There's only two possible reasons for this:

1. The ex is lying
2. DSS is lying

It's hard to know for sure, only you can weigh up each one on the balance of possibilities.
I would say if it is DSS lying I disagree with the PP saying it's him 'playing one off against the other' it most likely that he just wants to please whoever he happens to be with at the time.
He's 5 and from what you say seems genuinely distressed that he can't stay over etc. That's pretty hard to fake so I'm leaving towards the ex being the trouble maker.

Can you all sit down together with DSS and ask him how he's feeling/how you all love him/he won't upset anybody/it's his choice etc?

Oh and the grandad sounds like a right prick

Exactly our concerns, we have asked to sit down and speak to her and him together but she says it's too much for a child to do that. We shouldn't speak about it infront of him, etc., which I suppose is showing its her. But we are going to ask again. It needs resolving for the little lad. It's awful for him.

Hmmmmm....think you've got your answer then!
If she has a genuine reason why she doesn't want him staying over she should just bloody say, not put the kid in the middle.

Yeah, think we tried to not think of that, but it's obviously the only reason I suppose. Cause he does get so upset. It's heartbreaking.

He's 5; he's telling you want you want to hear and mummy what she wants to hear.

Sounds like he genuinely does want to stay, but is telling mummy he doesn't because he knows she doesn't like it/will be upset. He is too little to be put on the spot between you; the adults in his life need to sort this.

Why not suggest trying an overnight in the holidays, and saying to his mum that if there is any sign of distress you will bring him straight home?

Tried it. She won't allow. Until he says to her, without us there that he want to come and sleep.

In that case I think your only option is family court to get this sorted once and for all.

You can try to keep being civil and doing the right thing. But she will never relent on this.

It sounds like you have no option but to go to the family court.

I know it's tough but I think you should relax and enjoy the time with him. The most important thing for him is that he has a good, secure relationship with both parents. Where he sleeps is pretty irrelevant.

Why did she say she wanted supervised visits with her and your partner?

Because he got a bit depressed last night and low.

Last year sorry.