Step child for weekend..mum goes on holiday for a week without prior agreement

[Jennm]

I live with my partner who has three sons age 11, 17 and 18. The relationship between him and his ex is poor and without being biased, her behaviour has been ridiculous over the years.
In April this year,16 year old came to live with us suffering from depression and not going to school (on antidepressants). My partner and I feel he has been emotionally neglected. He is like a different boy now, taking pride is appearance, helping out and due to start college. In June the 19 year old moved in having finished school...he couldn't wait to leave his mum's.
This leaves the youngest who is a very young 11, having a cleft palate and is somewhat behind in size and stages of maturity and development.
My partner is currently a nursing student on a 9 week.placement of 12 hour shifts. He clearly stated two weeks in August he can have youngest for holiday but she has demanded he takes him this week despite my partner being on placement, me at work.
We did not agree to this. Well, my partner collected him for weekend and then when trying to arrange taking him back, she announces she is away and he will just have to keep him for a few days.
As brothers dont get up until mid afternoon and addicted to gaming, I am now sat here caring from him..have had to arrange to work from home.
Can anyone give me any advice if there is anything we can do about this.
I feel the children have not been cared for in terms of their emotional needs. Youngest has come having packed himself with one top, trousers and pair of socks.his nails are always black and need cutting when he gets here..despite mother being a nail tech.
I am at my wit's end. Two eldest have zero confidence and life skills which we are trying to build and feel youngest is going to head the same way.
She never takes youngest on holiday I hasten to add. We have taken kids away numerous times and now 2 live with us.
What should I do..if anything? I should also add she is always money money money..we are skint too but would never ever make boys feel bad or turn them away. She has not asked about her other sons well-being since they have moved here.
What can I do about you heat effectively being dumped here without our consent?

Typo at end should have said what can I do about him effectively being dumped here without our consent?

I would be looking at getting more custody of youngest and stopping the older ones from gaming past 10.30.pm. It will not be helping their self esteem or mh to sleep such shit hours all the time.

Ok, lots of things here.

How has the youngest's cleft palate been handled medically?

What does your DP do to support this situation? The whole situation?

You can leave the youngest with the 19 year old. They get told to get up when you leave for work. Your DP makes this happen.

And no there's nothing you can do about being 'dumped' with your partner's DC right now. Longer term, he needs to deal with this.

I used to get frustrated my ExH would only have our DC one night a month. Nothing I could do about it. The rules are crazy. (IMHO.) Don't even get me going on child support.

My partner has taken youngest to all but one of his last 4 operations instead of mum. She doesn't seem to care. I can't imagine not going to me wee boys operations taking place 5 hours away?
She cancelled his last appointment atoca hopsital with consultant as she was too busy "working". He now has to wait weeks for another appointment. We have him every second weekend.
Why should brothers be made to look after him?
The pont is..this was not a consensual agreement. My partner gave dates where he can have youngest for two weeks. This is not good enough for her. And youngest didn't even know she was going away?! And he hasn't even got adequate others packed?

You can't do anything about her, you can't force her to look after her kid.
You can step in and have the kid more and ensure he gets the support he needs.
His brothers looking after him is safe and enables the adults to work/study while you get more custody.
You can't change her, you have to work with making the best of it for the neglected 11 year old in your house right now.

Contact her and say she either comes home and collects him or you will contact social services. Cheeky cow.

I agree with @negomi, you'll not change a useless Ex/parent. You have to deal with it.

You're altering your work arrangements while you've got two other people in the house old enough and nearly old enough to be independent/
married with DC of their own. (Their ages vary in your first post but looks like they are 17 and 19?) They can make sure their 11 year old brother is ok, assuming you leave food, and basics. It'll do them good, help them grow up and be a family.

What else are you looking to do - sue the mother? I really wouldn't waste your emotional energy or time. Hiding to nothing.

@SummerInTheVillage Social Care won't do anything other than ask is the 11 year old safe, which he is (thanks to OP). At a push, they'll ask if he can live with dad and OP full-time. I can't see it solving much, tbh.

Sorry, OP. Must be so frustrating. And the poor boys too

@Jennm their brothers should look after him because they have time on their hands & you don't! Everyone should pull together.
As pp have said you won't change her. Your dp has two choices now - he either gets social services involved or he seeks full custody.

I think you and DH should go for residency of the youngest - the mother will object as that will lead to her losing out financially.
His brothers are plenty old enough to babysit him so you can continue to work. You may also be able to find clubs or activities to keep him occupied over the summer.
I would be inclined to contact SS, both to get them to register his mother's neglect and to see if they can refer you to any help for the older two. Is the older son in a job? Does he have a college place? If not could you get him on a Prince's Trust scheme?

Have a look round for some council run schemes he can join - short term solution

I’d refuse to send him back to be honest!

Do either of the older boys have a key to their Mum's house?
Could one of them pop by and get youngest boy's stuff?

And YY to oldest picking up the slack re lunchtime meals and doing stuff with younger brother so you can get work done.

You are a family now: this is a great way for the older two to take a little more responsibility in a fairly simple way.

Your DH's ex is a nightmare and clearly either significantly struggling herself or monumentally selfish. You can't change her. All you can do is minimize upset for the DC .

You DP definitely needs to drag his older sons out of bed to help!

And yes, I think your DP should go for residency of DSS11 too.

Good luck OP

*@SummerInTheVillage Social Care won't do anything other than ask is the 11 year old safe, which he is (thanks to OP). At a push, they'll ask if he can live with dad and OP full-time. I can't see it solving much, tbh.

I realise that but it would ruin the mother's holiday if she thought she'd be in trouble.

Summer in trouble with who? No authority would give a shit. It would be like me calling ss because my ex hasn't picked my dd up.

Why should brothers be made to look after him?

Because they are old enough to do it and help out. Yourself and Dp are doing them no favours by allowing them to stay in bed half the day and then spend the rest of the time gaming. Do they not have summer jobs? Get up for work tomorrow and get them all up out of bed and then go to work. You should not be taking time off to mind anyone.

Yes, you go to work and your dh sorts it out. Sends them home and tells his wife they are unattended and to get back pronto.
You are both allowing her to take the piss. You by not making your dp sort it out, and him for not taking kids back or taking time for his own kids
HTH

Surely at 11, even if immature, he doesn't need a lot of care, just supervision which can be handled by the eldest kids.

Although it sounds like mum is clearly neglectful, I think your OH and you are not handling this in the best way if you can't get the 19yo to be there for his brother. If he is allowed to be lazy, surely thec11yo can help himself to breakfast and you make sandwiches for him at lunch. Working from home seems a bit extreme.

There's probably very little that you or your DP can do to make his ex a better parent. You're best to accept that as a starting point and work from there. There may be a lot you can do to improve your youngest DSS's live though - just as you found with the eldest when he came to live with you. We had the same with my DSS1 who came to us during sixth form, and it was lovely to watch him start to interact more and grow in confidence as he thrived living with us - even his useless mum commented on how well he was doing :)

I'm guessing that as you both work it was ok having an older teen come to life with you, but it's trickier with a primary school aged child. A lot will change in the next year or so though if he's off to secondary school in September as he and his peers will be getting used to a lot more independence.

Could you look to increase contact for now, with a view to seeing whether he'd be better with you full time in a year or so, and focus on getting his self sufficiency improved over the next year so that you'd be comfortable having him home alone and it might be an option for him to live with you? At the very least you'd be best accepting the offers of all the weeks she doesn't want him for in the holidays and trying to find him some sort of activity/holiday club another time. It can't be nice for him to feel that he's not wanted at either home, but hard for you to avoid feeling put upon if you're suddenly required to work from home at short notice.

I'd second the suggestion made above to try and get his brothers to help out a bit more. You might need to spell out for them exactly what you expect them to do when looking after him - eg prepare meals, do something together for 3 hours, max 3 hours gaming, etc. Maybe give them some cash for looking after him?

And teach him to wash and cut his own toenails!