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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

WWYD?

21 replies

SortItSooty · 20/07/2019 10:14

Married to DH for a year, together 4.

Got a really good relationship with SS. When I go somewhere i.e. to see family, to the shops, to run an errand etc... Without DH he often wants to come with me which is really nice and with DHs permission he does often come with me to wherever I'm going.

Last time he obviously went home and told his mum he'd been out with me and she was really annoyed, gave H a nasty message about how I'm not his mum etc etc.

Fast forward to tomorrow, I'm going to see family and SS wants to come with me. H is saying it's fine if he really wants to go and that it's not his ex's business on his contact time.

I hate confrontation and arguments so am nervous now about causing any drama. WWYD?

Part of me thinks I should still take him on the occasions he really wants to come. It isn't forced, he asks and genuinely wants to. His Dad is fine with it and it's his contact time so we don't need permission from anyone else.

What do you think?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2019 10:51

You’ve posted this twice

LatentPhase · 20/07/2019 10:53

How did your DH respond to this nasty message? Did he/does he support you?

That would be pretty key to my decision.

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 20/07/2019 10:54

Take him. Don’t let his ridiculous mother ruin is fun with you.

Original poster

SortItSooty · 20/07/2019 11:16

I posted in AIBU as well as I thought I'd get a quicker reply.

DH did support me in his reply

OP posts:

BlueMerchant · 20/07/2019 11:23

I think I'd directly call the mother and tell her what you've told us, that he wants to come with you and it hasn't been forced upon him. I'd reassure her you are not trying to be his mum and you'd like to all get along.
It sounds like she's insecure and maybe direct reassurance may help. But you know her best.

Catclock · 20/07/2019 11:24

Yup take him. She needs to deal with her issues.

HollowTalk · 20/07/2019 11:31

Is your husband at work when you're going to your family? Would your step son be at home with you anyway?

OhNoooNotAgain · 20/07/2019 11:33

My DP's court order specifically states that how the children spend their time during contact is entirely at the discretion of the parent whose time it is.

Original poster

SortItSooty · 20/07/2019 14:04

Is your husband at work when you're going to your family?

No, but sometimes I go to see various people without DH if he's got stuff to do at home

OP posts:

SmartPlay · 20/07/2019 23:10

I'd take him. His mother's bitching shouldn't be any of your concern, especially since it's not you but your husband who's dealing with it and he doesn't seem to care.

Magda72 · 21/07/2019 01:42

Ok - slightly different take here which may or may not be relevant to your situation.
As a dm I too took issue with my dd spending time with her sm to do stuff like visit family etc. This had NOTHING to do with sm herself or her family (who are all lovely people) & everything to do with the fact that I felt that if it was xh's contact weekend & if he was staying at home then dd should really be spending this contact time with him! It was very convenient for him to pack dd off with sm while he spent the afternoon having a rare old time watching sport or snoozing! He was basically getting out of parenting all week long imo. I genuinely felt this wasn't in dd's best interest as he's the nrp & needed to put the hours in with her which he wasn't doing & which sm was (unintentionally) enabling.
I'm just saying that it's possible the dm is just frustrated that a good portion of contact is being spent with you as opposed to with her ds's dad.

Original poster

SortItSooty · 21/07/2019 08:45

Madga, I do totally understand that but he is not spending a large amount of his contact time with me. Contact is 50:50. DH spends a lot of time with him. This is not every time he stays with us. It's the odd occasion that I do end up going somewhere on my own. It's not an overly frequent occurrence by any means.

OP posts:

TheChain · 21/07/2019 10:16

@Magda72 I can see why you would be annoyed. However, if contact is for the child’s benefit, then surely it’s up to the child how they wish to spend it?
The OP’s SC isn’t being palmed off or forced to go with her, he’s choosing to, so he must be happy going. Surely that’s the main thing?
Forcing the NRP and child to spend every single second of their contact time with each other isn’t necessarily what will make the child happy either. It’s about what the family are comfortable doing... and the OP is the child’s family too now, they’re a unit and contact time has to evolve to include the whole family unit now or it won’t work

Magda72 · 21/07/2019 10:53

Hi @SortItSooty - I think then she's just being daft. As I said at the start of my post my experience may not be relevant to your circumstance & it's obviously not.

@TheChain - I actually agree with you but sometimes young kids feel they have no agency - that's why I was giving another viewpoint. In my dd's case it emerged that she felt she couldn't say no as her dad wouldn't listen to her & she was also afraid of hurting her sm's feelings. It was very convenient for my exh to have her occupied every Saturday which was very unfair on dd. However, I'm well aware not all dads are like that .

Original poster

SortItSooty · 21/07/2019 11:16

Yes, SS always asks. Its never suggested or anything. Sometimes he doesn't know I'm going until I go to leave and he'll say 'where are you going?!' and when I tell him he says 'can I come?'. I always tell him to ask his dad first which he does and DH will say yes if he doesn't have particular plans with him that day.

OP posts:

OhNoooNotAgain · 21/07/2019 12:58

Personally I wish my kids had such a good relationship with my ex's partner- instead of them being an inconvenience that she doesn't want around. And while I can't imagine for a second that my ex cares about my kids being with my DP, I'm so grateful that he has a great relationship with them.

SandyY2K · 21/07/2019 22:19

if contact is for the child’s benefit, then surely it’s up to the child how they wish to spend it?

I think the point is, the contact is for the child and their NRP parent, not stepparent.

It's lovely that he wants to spend time with you. Is there someone to play with at your families house? Is that why he likes going? Or do ther make a fuss over him? Making him feel special.

How old is he? I wonder if he finds it boring with his dad and is happy to get out?

As the mum that's what I'd be worrying about. Is dad got his head buried in the phone or something and not paying him any attention...hence going out with you is a more exciting prospect and he jumps at the chance.

I just can't imagine my DNs preferring to go out with their SM while their dad (my brother) is at home.

DuckingAutocorrect · 22/07/2019 09:18

I just can't imagine my DNs preferring to go out with their SM while their dad (my brother) is at home

I think that's unfair. Just because you can't imagine it with the people you know in that situation doesn't mean it couldn't ever happen.

There are lots of children who enjoy the company of someone other than their parent! Especially one they are seeing half the time.

TheChain · 22/07/2019 09:36

I think the point is, the contact is for the child and their NRP parent, not stepparent
I disagree, they’re not just dating they are married and potentially going to have children together, so the contact is now for the whole family unit.

Also my DP’s kids both love to be with me, sometimes they come out with me or sometimes they’d prefer to stay at home with me whilst DP goes out to run errands. We let them choose.

The fact these kids aren’t glued to the NRP’s side during all of the contact time would indicate a secure attachment to me, they’re treating dad like normal kids do.
The OP’s SC is with them 50% of the time so her husband isn’t even the NRP, both parents are equal parents so he sees his dad plenty.

My DS sees his grandparents almost every time he goes to his dad’s for contact (Weds nights and EOW). He often goes to the park / shops / has dinner with his nanny and granddad but I don’t for a second think “Why isn’t his dad with him every second of his contact time?!”
Because I’m aware my DS is part of a wider family unit and it’s important he has these relationships with them too.
I don’t think a SM/SC relationship is any different. I’d be glad my child was happy and liked the other person who helps care for them.

I think as long as the child is happy then his mum needs to keep her nose out tbh.

TheChain · 22/07/2019 09:40

Also OP does your DH complain if his ex is not with their child 100% of the time she has him for her contact time?
Does she never have grandparents/other relatives babysit, or allow him to go on play dates, or use a childminder?
Is he only allowed out of the house with her?
She’s being very hypocritical if she does seeing as she only has him 50% of the time so he should be with her for that contact time.

See how ridiculous she sounds?

OhNoooNotAgain · 22/07/2019 10:49

The chain - that!!! Exactly that!

The contact is with the whole family. SM is part of that family, the child needs to feel like they are part of the family as a whole, not just visiting Dad. And yes, there is no chance at all that the child spends every waking minute with their Mum during her 50%.

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