I'm petrified of meeting my partners daughter!

[yesterdayy]

Been with my partner just over a year now, and tomorrow I'm meeting his dd for the first time. His dd mother has no custody or visitation rights and it has been this way since she was one, she's 3 now. Yesterday evening my partner messaged me saying that his dd is so excited to meet me, he said that she has been saying that she is finally getting a real mummy to everyone at her nursery and to him and his dad. She lives with her dad and her grandfather, she's never really had essentially a mother figure, as my partners mother died when he was a teenager and he has no sisters or aunties. So it has just been them three most of the time.

All of a sudden I have freaked out. We both have chose to wait 14 months of being in a relationship for me and her to finally meet, and I thought I was ready, but I'm so nervous all of a sudden. I think it's because she thinks she's finally getting a mummy. I love her already and I am committed to be the best future step mummy for her, but I'm petrified! Is this natural or is there something wrong with me?

Maybe you should have been introduced as daddy’s friend, just come round for tea casually , it’s a bit full on but you sound totally seriously invested ... good luck ... breathe... expect some bumps

You've waited a long time, so the build up to this meeting has perhaps got a bit inflated.
Don't overthink the little girls comments, in some ways it's not really about you, but the idea of a mummy. She will have noticed other people have mummies and she doesn't.
Just be relaxed and friendly.
My DSS asked me something similar and I froze a bit, garbled something neutral and he was quite happy with that 😄

How can you love her already? And how can she possibly be thinking she's getting a mummy, what on earth has your boyfriend told her?

Don’t go overboard on the ‘new mummy’ thing! You may not be after all. Just be friendly and interested in her. Be a bit chilled and not too intense. Maybe have a small gift for her to break the ice. I tell you it would be a lot harder if you were meeting a 13 year old!

I hope she hasn’t been given the ‘new mummy’ line from him! Crikey. Not surprised you’re freaking out!

That’s a big buildup, 14 months.

Do you have dc? 3yo’s have very simple ideas about life so just relax and take it as it comes.

And.... breathe!

How can you love her already? And how can she possibly be thinking she's getting a mummy, what on earth has your boyfriend told her?
I second this ^
This is far too intense. I sincerely hope it all works out for you, but this has disaster written all over it

You’ve never met each other. Your relationship with her should be very casual for a very long time.

I think it’s been built up to be a massive thing so naturally you’re nervous. I would take it slowly and gently; don’t launch into acting as her mum, instead focus on being her friend and playing with her but leave the parenting/care taking to her dad for now.
3 is a nice age to become invoked with a child but no child is perfect and don’t expect too much of her.

I'm sorry- I agree with others- you can't love a child you've been told about for 14mo the and not yet met. Equally she shouldn't be introduced as dads girlfrined but friend (too late now) both of you- (you and the child) have invested too much into this already and you don't know how you're even going to get on. Relax, breathe, and juts have a casual meeting- and if she brings up new mummy comment I'd advise you and your partner to have an answer ready for that, as that's not what you'll be.

Blimey OP, you need to calm down a bit here. You can’t love her, you don’t know her. And where the hell has she got the idea you’re her new mummy?! That’s a shocking thing for her to think at this point. What has he been telling her?

It does sound quite intense.

In her world, she is just making sense of it, who people are and the roles they represent. You need to tread carefully here.

Be very clear on boundaries - allow that bond to build, grow, flourish naturally over time. Beginning as the ‘mummy’ figure will undoubtedly create not only an unrealistic expectation but also a huge pressure for it all to be perfect from the second you meet.

You are Daddy’s special friend. Begin by simple activities, get down to her level, her world. Nothing special or out of the ordinary, just play. Then read some books. Maybe bake. And build from there.

You sound as though you are desperate for it all to be positive and happy - go easy on yourself. Humans aren’t like that all of the time, if there are bumps along the way, that’s part of life and that’s ok. Find your way together, but slowly

This is a lot of pressure for you. I think your DP should have gone about this differently. I hope it goes well.

Who the fuck told this child she’s getting a new mummy? This is seriously inappropriate. As is “I love her already” before you’ve even met! She’s not a bloody dolly

I’d just remember she’s three OP and it’s a funny age, she will be shy to start off with and then will just want to play or show you things. She will be all over her daddy so just let her do that, follow her lead.
I think you are just hugely over thinking the situation and putting undue pressure on yourself. Relax be yourself and just enjoy the age she is, it’s a really fun age to be, also full of tantrum!!! Haha!

I’d agree that the love bit is a bit OTT but do you mean as you love your partner he is a bit of her etc?

You love the idea of her, op, and that's positive. I hope when you meet that you like her.

Your partner is jumping the gun a bit telling his daughter she'll have a new mummy - I presume it was him who introduced the idea - you're not even living together at the moment.

How you're feeling about meeting the little girl is understandable but I'm sure you will be fine. A year is long enough to be seeing someone and meeting their children and it shows how keen your partner is on you, but take it easy, try to relax.

I can't wait for you to come back and tell us how it all went.

Oh Lordy op - this has in my opinion been handled very badly. As pp have said, you can't love her - you don't know her, & the poor child has obviously been told she's getting a new mummy by your bf (a 3 year old would happily accept meeting daddy's friend without expectation of parenting) which is highly inappropriate & is putting a huge amount of pressure on you.
I hope it works out for you but I too think this has disaster written all over it - everyone's expectations are way too high.

Totally inappropriate for you not to be introduced a friend I also wonder what on earth he has said to her to think shes getting a new mummy.

Hi. Hope it all went well! Sometimes children will take that opportunity to call you mummy already, my stepson did it, when I was introduced he was only one. But as he started to learn a few words, because I am a woman and used to go to his daddy's, he automatically looked for me around the house when I wasn't there saying mummy mummy. Pointing at pictures of me saying mummy... So everyone it might not even be her partner. I put a stop to it right away with the mummy, because that's not what I was to him. But he couldn't stop calling me mummy. So I wouldn't answer. We taught him the word step. Step mummy. So ever since he has called me that, and still does he's 5 now.
Don't be too hard on yourself, ease in, play like everyone has said. But don't do any parenting just yet. But trust me it'll come naturally when you're ready and you won't even realise. ☺. ♥ ♥

People have been so harsh on here. As a step mum who met my step son at 3 I can guarantee they do try and call you mummy. They don't understand the biology part of it and if she hasn't had a mum in her life but has seen other children having one she obviously simplistically wants a woman in her life to fill that role. That is perfectly normal for her comprehension level. It's not OPs fault she said that.

As for OP saying she loves her, what do you want from her? She has probably been hearing stories and shown pictures and videos of this child for a long time and has grown very fond, not to mention she has been hyping up the positive side of being a step parent in her mind. It's incredibly difficult to put up with all a child's annoying developmental stages when they are not yours and you don't love them, they will just be annoying to you.

OP has an opportunity where she can be in the child's life from an early age, without an ex stirring problems and putting strain on the relationship in the background, and she could have an actively positive, warm, loving, familial role in the little girls life. Why would you encourage her to be the kind of step parent who is stuck feeling indifferent or even quietly resentful in the background, instead? The idea of genuinely loving and wanting to be a family with a little girl who's also crying out for the same thing sounds like the perfect case scenario to me.

OP I hope it went well and don't listen to people telling you you should feel less positive about the girl. That's totally counterintuitive. You enjoy your growing relationship with her.

Shes only 3. Kids are very fickle at that age. You're partner probably shouldn't have said anything to you about that but hes probably just as excited introducing the two most important people in the world to each other.
Breathe. Enjoy it :)