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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Holiday Nightmare with step son

39 replies

birty · 29/07/2007 23:44

this friday we are going on holiday with my children and stepson 11 yrs. We are going with friends and staying in two cottages in france. I am dreading going and I know my partner is too because my stepson is going. My stepson has ADHD 11 and very rude, and doesn't do as I ask which causes arguments. My children do as there told and I feel I have full control but my step son is another matter. My partner is the softer one out of us both and good behaviour is important to me. We have my step son every week end, holiday's and once a week and this has been an ongoing thing since he was 2 yrs old but has never got better. He was diognosed with ADHD 8 mths ago as he was on the point of being expelled from school for poor behaviour. My step son is the oldest out of the children we are going away with and I know that it will be a nightmare and me and partner will argue over his behaviour even with step son on medication.
I promised my son who's 8 that we will not argue any more about stepson but I really don't know how I will cope with two weeks of him. Advise needed please help dont know what to do.

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 18:44

Aloha - how do you manage never to tell your stepdaughter off? Or do you never have sole charge of her?

I hold back a lot from telling my stepsons off, but not if (a) they are behaving inappropriately with my daughter (b) I have sole charge and they are seriously misbehaving.

aloha · 01/08/2007 18:47

She's a lovely girl, what can I say? I don't think most older children (she was six when I met her) need much telling off. And yes, of course I have looked after her myself, but dh and I share all the childcare. He's very hands on.

aloha · 01/08/2007 18:48

And as this family are on holiday together, I think it is reasonable to leave any telling off to his dad. It might even free the OP up to have a more rewarding relationship with her stepson.
Also, what does he like to do? Would a game boy or similar help?

Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 18:50

I think my stepsons are generally very nice boys, but sometimes they make a lot of noise (so issues with downstairs neighbours) and generally lose all control and they just have to be brought back into line or else the apartment would be wrecked by footballs, dirty hands etc. And they leave the loo in a ghastly state etc. Perhaps it's a boy thing?

aloha · 01/08/2007 18:51

I think girls are easier tbh - esp 6 and over.

Twiglett · 01/08/2007 18:51

poor OP

didn't deserve being jumped on IMHO

has a problem and asked for advice about stuff she doesn't understand

feckin' mn pisses me orf sometimes

bravo custy

hercules1 · 01/08/2007 18:53

I have an inkling of what you are going through and it makes me seem like a heartless cow but my nephew has some behavioural issues and it makes days out, family get togethers, holidays really difficult for everyone but especially my own dd who suffers the brunt of it. I have sworn never to go on holiday with them again.

Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 18:54

I would tend to agree that girls on average don't lose control in a totally antisocial way like boys and need to be brought back into some semblance of civilised behaviour as a matter of urgency. And I would agree that in general if a parent is around, the parent should do the disciplining, not the stepparent, unless it concerns a sibling - I really don't have an issue telling my stepsons what is and isn't appropriate behaviour with my daughter, I think it is also my job to defend her as she is only 2.9 and they can sometimes be a bit enthusiastic in their affections .

Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 18:56

As to the OP - maybe you should sit down with your partner and agree in what circumstances you can intervene to discipline your stepson, and in what circumstances you should leave it up to him?

aloha · 01/08/2007 19:00

I think it would also be Ok to talk to your children and explain that their brother's brain works in a slightly unusual way, which makes him have lots of energy and determination, but which also can make it hard for him to do as he is told, and he can't always help being cross or whatever language you like to use. I sense you are anxious that your children will be badly behaved because of their brother's condition, but they are, I think, old enough to realise that he has a condition that makes some things much harder for him.

aloha · 01/08/2007 19:01

It is worth remembering that brain scans show differences in children with ADHD - it is a very real condition. But it doesn't have to be disastrous, as the medication should help.

gess · 03/08/2007 18:31

"good behaviour is important to me."

But your SS has ADHD so to a certain extent you are going to have to re-learn what consititues good behaviour in his world. Lots of books etc out there on ADHD, finding out about it and very particular techniques you can use in behvaiour management can help considerably. Even better if you can find yourself a course (for the long run, obviously not before this holiday).

Start by not caring what anyone else (especially gawpers) thinks (I know you haven't said that you do, but its a good tip when dealing with anyone spectummy.)

FWIW I think 'forgetting about the ADHD' is a recipe for disaster. There is stuff out there that works well with kids with ADHD ('well' being on ADHD terms- do not compare to 'normal') and it can make a huge difference. Expectations may need to be altered too (that made the biggest difference to our days out with severely autistic ds1). But you need to know about ADHD. Otherwise its going to remain a disaster.

aloha · 03/08/2007 18:39

Agree with Gess, it's bit like saying, 'lots of healthy brisk walks are important to me', that's fine, but if your stepson was in a wheelchair you'd have to accept that things will be different for him.

bigwombat · 03/08/2007 18:57

Agree with gess and aloha - I think you have to revise your expectations of how well your dss can behave. I think also some of the issue here relates to the different expectations of behaviour between your children and your dss. My dd2 has severe learning disabilities and I do have issues with dd1 being jealous, saying "dd2 didn't have to tidy up", "dd2 is screaming and you're not telling her off" etc even though she's well aware she has SN. In some ways maybe your own children also need to learn about ADHD so they can at least try to have understanding and tolerance of the difficult situations.

(BTW as a mother of an SN child I was not offended by the OP - we all know it is difficult and IMO the OP was simply expressing her frustrations and asking for help.)

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