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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Holiday Nightmare with step son

39 replies

birty · 29/07/2007 23:44

this friday we are going on holiday with my children and stepson 11 yrs. We are going with friends and staying in two cottages in france. I am dreading going and I know my partner is too because my stepson is going. My stepson has ADHD 11 and very rude, and doesn't do as I ask which causes arguments. My children do as there told and I feel I have full control but my step son is another matter. My partner is the softer one out of us both and good behaviour is important to me. We have my step son every week end, holiday's and once a week and this has been an ongoing thing since he was 2 yrs old but has never got better. He was diognosed with ADHD 8 mths ago as he was on the point of being expelled from school for poor behaviour. My step son is the oldest out of the children we are going away with and I know that it will be a nightmare and me and partner will argue over his behaviour even with step son on medication.
I promised my son who's 8 that we will not argue any more about stepson but I really don't know how I will cope with two weeks of him. Advise needed please help dont know what to do.

OP posts:

cornsilk · 30/07/2007 00:01

Have you had advice on how to parent a child with ADHD? You really can't compare him to your own children.

Desiderata · 30/07/2007 00:37

birty, you're going to get flamed.

Tiggiwinkle · 30/07/2007 00:40

You need to learn about ADHD. Do some reading; talk to people; then try to understand your DSS instead of being so critical of him.

Desiderata · 30/07/2007 00:54

I'm going to parp this thread.

But before I do, I want you to re-read your OP and understand how hopeless you sound. I do not have an SN child, but there are plenty on here who do. Did you not think, before you posted, the effect your words might have on a parent of an SN child.

' ..... even with step-son on medication.'

I think that's enough said.

He's ill. He's on medication. I don't walk in your shoes birty, and I don't doubt that it's difficult, but read again what you wrote.

Read it.

Saturn74 · 30/07/2007 01:13

Tortington · 30/07/2007 01:43

look stop being so wanky.

the girl has a step son who has a condition
this conditione exaserbates the childs poor behaviour

shes going on holiday

its not fucking unreasonable to come on here an ask for help before everyone says " oohh yer a fucker - you should have written it out on paper firs before posting on here"

i dont think its an unreasonable request

but i wouldnt have booked two fucking weeks - are you mad.

meowmix · 30/07/2007 06:49

Agreed Custy -

Come on guys she's asking for help because she doesn't understand ADHD and doesn't know what to do - surely she should be able to come to mn for some simple guidance on where to look and maybe some coping techniques. Lets not flame her for once.

Sorry Birty I am not equipped to help you myself but hope someone comes along who can.

Freckle · 30/07/2007 07:02

What parts of his behaviour cause you problems? If you know what is likely to make him kick off, can you try to "head him off at the pass"? I.e. try to divert, change the subject, move him to another situation?

What exactly do you anc your partner argue about? Perhaps just for the holiday you can let it go when the child doesn't do as you tell him. Does he do what his dad tells him to do? If so, then make him your dp's responsibility for the duration of the trip.

I have to agree that booking two weeks when both you and your dp feel like this is mad, and why go with friends? You are going to feel so much more pressure about his behaviour with friends around.

missyhols · 30/07/2007 07:34

This really pisses me off.

If i get flamed then so be it. But for the minute can we forget about the ADHD and see that this lady finds it hard coping with ss? I find it incredibly hard sometimes having a sc and i would love advice from people when i find things hard.

I've experience from both having step parents and now being one, and it does my head in when you just get neg views from people who have no idea.

Birty i hope that someone here can give you the advice you need.
Rant over.

startouchedtrinity · 30/07/2007 07:49

Birty and missyhols, it seems to me that 'real' mums are allowed to vent their worries as much as they like (the exception being concerns about their daughter's appearance IME) but step parents are expected to behave like plaster saints, as though to have any worries means you don't love or accept your step child. Seems very unfair to me.

Anyway birty, I have no experience of AHAD but maybe you could google for a support group or get a book? Perhaps your sds would like a cheap camera to take pics with on holiday. Also think you need to make sure if there is something he loves (like kicking a football about) that you take one with you and give him space to do it. Sorry, these may be pants suggestions mut just wanted to try to help a bit.

elasticsortinghandstand · 30/07/2007 08:06

can you let the rudenss "pass"
perhaps it is a front on his part?

just chill out while you are there

FillydoraTonks · 30/07/2007 08:20

you need some specific advice about dealing with a child with adhd, I think. Might be an idea to post request in SN section.

My limited experience of kids with ADHD is that you just can't employ the same strategies and have the same expectations as for a NT child. They are DIFFERENT (not better, not worse).

Also he is nearly a teenager and your kids are younger, and thus it is obviously easier to have full control, whatever that means (am a little at this tbh but I think I know what you mean-you can get through to them more).

Don't think you should promise your son not to argue about this. you have a tricky situation here concerning a member of your family. This deserves sorting.

cornsilk · 30/07/2007 10:05

If your stepson is older could you give him some of the responsibility to help him feel more 'grown up' than your chn? Maybe he could be in charge of something? I like the pictures idea suggested by STT. We gave our ds a camcorder on a trip once and he loved it - kept him quiet all day!

elasticsortinghandstand · 30/07/2007 10:08

a scrapbook perhaps

Blandmum · 30/07/2007 10:11

re the 'can't we just forget about the ADHD' thing

I don't think that the OP and her dh can forget about it. The ADHD is central to the problems that they are having. Finding out more about Adhd isn't going to magically make everything OK, but it will help.

Freckle · 30/07/2007 10:13

What is he like when he's with his mum? What strategies does she use? Get his dad to liaise with her. Presumably she goes on holiday with him and must face the same problems.

Does he have any siblings at home? If not, is it perhaps that he has to share his dad with you and your dcs which makes the situation worse? Could you organise some one-to-one time with his dad for him? That would give you and your dcs a break and him some quality time with his dad.

Do your friends have children? Are they aware of his condition and do they have any ideas on how to ensure you all have a nice time?

fizzbuzz · 30/07/2007 11:13

As a teacher see lots of kids with adhd, some much worse than others.

What may help, is burning off excess energy, so get him to do lots of energetic things (not a very restful holiday for you I know)

Adhd is a dreadful thing, and effects kids differently. I teach one kid who is a nightmare, so I do know how you feel. So my tips would be

Avoid confrontation as much as poss(eg pick your battles)
Run off his excess energy (trampolining is good for this)
Handle things as much as poss in calm manner and try not to raise voice (impossible I know) as this will wind him up more
Praise all good things he does
Get partner to handle ALL behaviour issues, whilst you back down.

The poor kid can't help it, it's like someone having blue eyes or brown hair, it is beyond his control. Having said that he needs boundaries and to know exactly where he is behaviour and punishment wise. A stepped approach is good for this. Eg: 1st warning, 2nd warning, 3rd warning and then action.

Good luck..

fizzbuzz · 30/07/2007 11:13

affects of course.....

FillydoraTonks · 30/07/2007 21:11

there are two issues here

The stepfamily issue
The ADHD issue

agree with mb that knowing more won't solve the situation but jesus, it will help.

believe me, if he has adhd, he can't actually always behave well. he won't quite perceive things as you do. His mind will work differently.

THe stepfamily issue is another matter, I know nothing about stepfamilies.

FillydoraTonks · 30/07/2007 21:14

the other thing with adhd is that, while for a teacher, it may be essentially negative (sorry fizz ), to the "bearer" it is not that straightforward. Like I say, it is a difference. For example, kids with ADHD typically have great imaginations, they can dream big dreams, BUT they are utterly, utterly accustomed to getting their ideas laughed at or crushed. They can actually often concentrate for a long time, but not to order.

I would say that giving him responsibility for a task, say, would prob help a lot, BUT don't modulate how he does it. Let him do it in his own way, and comment on the finished product. Get him involved in planning and let him make some decisions. That sort of thing.

fizzbuzz · 30/07/2007 21:18

I'm in a stepfamily. The way we operate is dp does ALL disciplining etc with his kids, I don't get involved, although we discuss things. However we don't discuss it in front of dc's, until we have arrived at a slotution. You mention your dc's don't like the arguments. Can't you discuss things when they are not around?

Stepfamilies are hard work, and it is much easier to be harder on skids than your own dc, sometimes to the point of not even recognising that you are

FillydoraTonks · 30/07/2007 21:20

have lots and lots of respect for stepfamilies. god thats a hard thing.

dragonstitcher · 01/08/2007 14:04

I can understand that learning to live with your SS condition is new and difficult for you. I also think that you are very brave. ((hugs)) But you and your friends also have to accept that his condition is not his fault and give him some slack.

Anna8888 · 01/08/2007 18:31

Completely agree with Custy

aloha · 01/08/2007 18:40

My advice is to leave your dh to deal with his son on holiday, and don't get on his back about it all the time otherwise it really will ruin the holiday. I never tell my stepdaughter off. If I think she has behaved inappropriately I will discuss it with my dh when we are alone and we will agree on what should be done.
Remember, he simply cannot help himself a lot of the time. Try to give him lots of opportunity to be physical - swimming, running about, give him good food regularly, and suggest as you are going for two weeks (FOOL! ) that your dh should give you some time off - eg you get to walk to the village for croissants or go the hotel gym or whatever, so you can try to be calm.

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