Older step children disciplining toddler

[Anuta77]

Hello,
This is partially a vent and I was wondering if this is also a "normal" teenage behaviour: SC who rarely see our toddler (their choice to stay at their mother's living their lives and having DP visiting them there) think that they have to discipline him.
SD (12) comes EOW (that's about 3-4 days per month), her older brother (16), every 2 months or so.
An example with the older brother: the toddler (22 months) poored cereal on the floor. I dealt with it. SS wasn't even present in the room, but once he learnt that it happened 10 min later, I see him standing in front of the toddler loudly saying "NO!". I'm sure that toddler didn't even link the 2 events. I explain to him that it's not necessary to discipline him in addition to his parents, but he just walked away.
SD is obviously with us more often so I see her repeatedly saying with a commanding voice "No!" to the toddler many times throughout the day. Obviously, if I hear it, it's because I'm present and 1) either I don't think there's anything I need to be involved with and 2) if there's something, I can deal with it. I told SD several times that me and her father can discipline our toddler when necessary, it's not her job, but she continues. Herself, she doesn't like being disciplined by the older SS who likes being bossy and ignores him.
Yesterday, we were at a friend's house and I allowed the toddler to play with billiard balls, just putting them gently from one place to another. I was sitting right next to him. She sees it, runs to him and starts saying "No!". I even tell her that it's me who allowed it (as if it's not obvious that I'm sitting 5 cm from him) and she argues with me that he can break them (hard balls and carpet flooring!).
She also tried brushing his very curly dry hair after I told her (and she argued with me) that this kind of hair should not be brushed. She did it once behind my back, but yesterday, she started in front of me.
The other time, she started contradicting me when I wanted to remove my toddler who got too close to some Rottweiler that I've never seen before. This dog's mouth was big enough to swallow my son's head. SD wanted to caress him, it's her choice, but when I explain why I don't want my son next to an unknown big dog, she just walks away. This situation with dogs happened several times, my explanations don't matter.
When she sees me changing diapers, so always asks why? Did he poop or pee? She could ask it several times per day. I don't think it's curiosity, she's been seeing me changing diapers for almost 2 years. A variation would be: did you already wash him? I just don't know how to answer this and be sincerely nice, it's just annoying.
And there are many many things like that, that make it unpleasant for both of us I suppose. My toddler doesn't go to the daycare yet, he's with me 24/7, it feels very annoying to have another child who still has a lot to learn herself to dictate to me and to her little brother what to do.
I know several women with older daughters around SD's age who had babies, but none of them tells me that they contradict or discipline them. The mother is always respected. Is it because I'm a SM that my opinion about my own son doesn't matter?

Your dh hits your toddler's hand.

Your step children aren't the problem here

That the toddler has both biological parents married to each other.
They have to come and go every week.
They are jealous of the toddlers secure position.

@BoredToday They visit on the odd occasion through their own choice according to OP.

I really don't think a 12yo could muster the energy to be arsed about a toddler. Especially not enough that 'she should never be left alone with him.'

Sounds like the SD is actually trying to parent your child as maybe she feels you are not doing it correctly.

Then she needs to told to back off then as she is 12! And it wouldn't be acceptable from any other family member.

She'll take the toddler around dogs and would not watch out for him.
Of the toddlers mum has said don't take my baby near dogs but she does, what does that tell you??
I wouldn't trust her.
It's better to be over cautious now then regret it later.

But @BoredToday how do you know she's not looking out for him?
OP has said that the dog was big and she didn't want her toddler around it - SD was petting the dog just fine, toddler wanted to pet too and SD was there.
She wasn't feeding him to a pack of starved wolves. She stroked the dog.
If it's okay for SD, but not for toddler then why?

The dog is either dangerous or it's not.
Saying you don't trust her is a massive judgement.
Apart from telling the toddler no, she's done nothing wrong.

Like the step daughter could do anything if the dog attacks!!
It's better to judge and keep your child safe.
The OP wants opinions, you have yours and mine is keep the toddler away from jealous SD.
End of.

@BoredToday Of course. But your opinion of SD being jealous has absolutely no basis whatsoever.

Step kids are usually jealous of new half siblings.

My DP and his daughter are "dog people", they like dogs, so my DP didn't see a problem with her going to caress him with the toddler. I have nothing against dogs, but I don't feel comfortable with big dogs, that's it. And my reaction is just an accumulation of first SS telling me what to do with my older son, and he grew out of it, SD started doing the same with the toddler, who was also a baby and it used to be worse.

The truth is that I don't know what place a sibling who comes EOW (by her choice) has. I'd love to define it to avoid issues, but I don't know.

I don't have the impression that SD is jealous of the toddler. She feels very comfortable with her dad and never had problems feeling included when I appeared in her life.

Your views are being massively skewed because of your experience with your cousin.

The truth is that I don't know what place a sibling who comes EOW (by her choice) has. I'd love to define it to avoid issues, but I don't know.

She’s her sister. The fact you are trying to find a way to define it is probably part of the problem.

This happens in families. Sometimes it can be nipped in the bud quickly and sometimes it takes a while.

Think about it in a time way. If it takes a week of telling off and reminding a sibling not to over steps that’s seven days. However, it doesn’t happen constantly so say it could take two weeks of asking to stop, one firm chat then reminders... 14 days is 7 visits for you.

So issues are sometimes going to take longer to show because of gaps and therefore sometimes they are also going to take longer to fix.

When my DD decided she didn’t want to be known by her nickname anymore it took her half brothers much longer to adjust because they weren’t reminded every single day. Whereas her siblings who lived with her heard her name multiple times a day.

Why are you allowing her to take/grab your DS off you when you've just finished feeding him.

You need to be more assertive.
I had younger siblings and never tried to parent them or boss them around. I was well aware that was not my job.

You need to be clear that some situations aren't up for discussion. Like with the dog. You simply and quickly go and pick your DS up and walk away.

Don't get into a battle or power struggle with her.

Step kids are usually jealous of new half siblings

And therefore by your logic @BoredToday should "usually" be kept apart? What a crock of shite.

The truth is that I don't know what place a sibling who comes EOW (by her choice) has. I'd love to define it to avoid issues, but I don't know.

It sounds to me like you are locked in a battle for control, when your stepdaughter just wants to know her place in the family. The fact that you don't understand what her place is (or perhaps more accurately, you don't want her to have the place she deserves), is obviously making her feel insecure. You sound so territorial. Her dad ought to be taking control of the situation and putting her first. Your toddler is not just your toddler. They are your husband's child and your stepkids' sibling. Your stepdaughter is every bit as much your husband's child as your child is. Your husband's home is their home too, even if they are only there for a small portion of the time.

lots of us have said that it is a normal phase, BUT that doesn't mean you don't address it.

Take her out for a coffee one day, just you and her and gently say you have noticed that she is very protective of the toddler, and ask her why she feels like that? That can lead into - I'm his mum and it is up to me and his dad to worry about that stuff, your job is to be his sister.
Then suggest a few things particular to being a sister, eg playing with him, making him laugh, working together at something eg helping him to build with blocks/lego.

You do need to nip it in the bud, but HOW you do that is important, you need to help her define her role as a sister.

Your toddler is not just your toddler. They are your husband's child and your stepkids' sibling. Your stepdaughter is every bit as much your husband's child as your child is. Your husband's home is their home too, even if they are only there for a small portion of the time

This. All older siblings can be annoying. They're trying to be part of the family. I have 4 and my older two are constantly trying to parent the baby in ways that can be positive or negative - it's about giving them roles to play (for example, if she's interested in nappy changes, has she ever done one? At 12 she's quite old enough). To you they must be enormous next to their toddler brother, but they are still children and trying to find their way. It does seem a lot like you don't fully see the toddler as their sibling (and vice versa). They may not be your blood relations, but they are his, and you can help to foster a positive relationship for them.

Why are you allowing her to take/grab your DS off you when you've just finished feeding him.

It just happened to fast that I didn't have time to react and if I take him back, it's precisely a battle for control and I don't want to act like a child. But these things happened a lot. Ex. she would grab him out of my arms after a nap when the only thing he wants is to be with me and he starts crying and then she tries to play with him to make him stop crying, but that's not what he wants. And it happened in front of my DP who thinks nothing of it.
And because I know that my feelings changed for her, I'm trying hard to be "nice", if I constantly try to be assertive, I would be doing it throughout her whole stay. It's been like that for about 20 months now. How many times did I tell her to not just snatch him out of my arms, to ask first. Sometimes he does, but there are times when I feel good having him in my arms and don't necessarily feel like giving him at that exact moment. So it's always tedious, not natural and I just can't relax.

I was talking to someone in the park the other day who was complaining that the grandparents of her kids said no to them when they were naughty and they had no right to. Well cough, if you leave your kids in someone elses house I think they have a right to say no if they are misbehaving.

I know that my toddler is also my DP's son and his children's sibling. Just like he's my son's brother.
I used to love SD and she was always in my thoughts about everything. But when the toddler was born, she literally became possessive of him (yes, I know I'll be slammed for this), totally ignoring mine and my son's wishes (and she used to get along so beautifully with my older son, they were so close), that at some point, things changed. I had to "defend" my son and I had to show her who's the mother. I guess I just became oversensitive with time.

I had to show her who's the mother.

And this just proves my point about control and insecurity.

SD knows that you're the boys mother! Why is it that you've become so insecure of that position?!
She's not trying to undermine you as a parent and 'take over' by telling your son 'no' every now and again.

The more you post the more it sounds like you just cannot stand the poor girl and if it's as obvious in person, no wonder she only wants to see her dad EOW.

She's not interested in changing nappies. She would stretch them to see if he pooped several times per day (I would even tell her to stop, telling her that I got it and she would still do it), just to tell me that I had to change him. Or complain that it stinks and that I had to come fast. So it's like being a mommy but without the unpleasant parts for which she had me. If the toddler is also my DP's son, why she or SS never called their daddy to change him? I was once changing him in SS's house (SS is so desperate for his mother to have a relationship with the toddler), while I was changing him, the used diaper was on the floor and he came to me to tell me to throw it away. His father was just talking next to the diaper and it didn't occur to him to ask him or to do it himself.

She's not trying to undermine you as a parent and 'take over' by telling your son 'no' every now and again

why is she doing it then?

there is no reason for her to be disciplining a toddler, is there?

She’s her sister. The fact you are trying to find a way to define it is probably part of the problem.

I was told by a previous poster that she's acting like this because she's trying to find her place, so I said that I don't know how to define it. To me a big sister would play with her sibling, kiss him, hug him and call me if there's something. Not try to take over. Baby showers are not in their culture, but she was telling that she wanted to be there, so I invited her (with her mother, because her father didn't care about it). I named her the official baby shower photographer, because she likes taking pictures, she was opening gifts...
From the moment, she met the baby, I let her hold him gently, explained how to play with him, I give her advice on how to handle him, etc. What have I done wrong?
But she always wanted more and more. She got to the point of saying that he was her baby and not mine. My DP always dismissed her behaviour saying she was joking, so I tried joking too saying that ok, when you will have your baby, he will be mine too. She replied that I won't be in her life by then because me and her father will separate, he's only staying with me for the baby. So much for giving love to her for 4 years before that.
I'm still trying to solve the issue.

Sounds like your DP might have told her or her mum he’s only with you for the baby. You have no idea what bullshit feeding them when he was seeing them at their house.