Wanting to separate

[Somecoolname]

Hi,

Ive reached my limit and have tried to be patient and understanding. My dp and I have a soon to be 1 year old together and we both have older children from previous relationships.
For the past year my dp has allowed his ex’s decisions to impact so much of what happens in our home.
Looking back there were so many warning signs.
When he informed his ex that he and I were together she stated that their children were not allowed around me until she met me, completely respected this, but in the same breath refused to meet me. I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t require some of the support I do now and genuinely felt that his time with his children should be their time so I wasn’t affected by him not being present on certain days.
When we became pregnant dp didn’t inform his ex that we were expecting stating that he was waiting for the right moment (after 1st trimester etc). I gave up trying to convince him and focused on enjoying my pregnancy and it was during this time most of the warming signs started to happen. I went to every baby and mother event alone as he would have his children on these days. I skipped my prenatal class because he couldn’t get anyone to watch the children and didn’t want to go alone. I did it with my older child and felt uncomfortable so avoided it all together this time. Perhaps the biggest slap in the face came when he spent the day with his older children while I was in labour. He made it to the actual birth but I laboured alone for most of it. He eventually told his ex that he has another child and she stopped him from seeing his children. He was extremely unhappy (understandable) but it affected how he bonded with our child during his paternity leave and blamed me for forcing him to tell her). Ex eventually allows him to see the children but still refuses to meet me and states that he needs to start taking the children to school. This means he is up and out of the house every weekday before we wake up so I do and have done morning feeds and changes alone. He has the children two week nights and every weekend meaning his not here during the day either. I’m so tired I’m making stupid mistakes, breaking things spilling food etc. I have literally felt like a single mother and at this point I’m planning on getting my own place. We live in London so finances are one of the only reasons I haven’t moved yet. That’s another thing, despite being on SMP he’s been unable to cover the rent (he has 2 jobs but spends money taking the children out as they’re not allowed to the house) so I’ve had to borrow money to cover my half.
Anyway I need to forgive him so we can co-parent our child together. Feeling frustrated, disappointed and angry. Any tips would be appreciated.

I don’t know how much useful advice I can give you as this is such a hard situation but I just wanted to tell you I feel for you!

I am due to give birth any day now and my partner’s ex has been a nightmare too. We have his teenage son two nights a week and every weekend too and I really sympathise as it can be so full on. She’s said she won’t have him on a night that’s not hers so if I go into labour he has to come to hospital with us. It’s ridiculous as it’s not in anyone’s best interests, least of all his but some things I’ve just learnt to let go of and hope they’ll be okay on the day.

I also did all the classes and sessions alone due to childcare issues. It’s really rubbish and I feel for you. This is my first and I don’t feel like we’ve done anything exciting together about it at all.

I think a huge issue here is your partner not telling your ex about the baby. That’s not fair on her and presumably the children had to keep it from her too? He was really in the wrong to do that - but he is an adult and responsible for that.

What helps me when it all gets too much is writing it down. I write down what bothers me in as neutral a way as I can manage, as things can be taken so personally relating to children and exes. Sometimes it’s little things like my partners son seems to have got door slamming down to a fine art whenever I want to have a nap, sometimes it’s big things like the anxiety I have about labouring in a car on my way to hospital with a 13 year old boy, and I explain I’ve written it down as it’s hard to talk about and he can read it and mull it over and then we try and find a solution.

It doesn’t always work to be fair... sometimes I don’t quite get the solution I’ve hoped for (the door slamming continues) but writing it down helps me feel calmer and is less likely to turn into confrontation.

Sorry if that was a lot of waffle, I hope some of it was helpful but basically I wanted to say I know how hard it is and I’m sorry. It’s really hard for the parent with other children to balance their loyalties but it’s equally hard for the parent who needs them onside to deal with as well. It’s bloody hard! I’m eagerly awaiting hallmark to invent stepmothers day so I can have some commercial tat to recognise my hard work...

Im so sorry, I had similar but I 100% blamed dp not his exw. He should have stood up for all the children not just his older one.
The sad thing is it permentaly damages relationship esp with the dsc.
Your dp is the issue not his exw. She can't dictate custody like this. The children ahve a right to have a relationship with their half sibling, denying them that is unfair. They should ahve the choice.
Go to mediation then court and get acess.
I completely sympathise with how you feel. The money thing is also not okay and disney dadding in long run isn't a good thing. He needs to just bit ebullet and tell them bring them. Round and get it sorted

It IS the mothers fault, because she has the father running scared by threatening access. We all know the courts favour the mother, that its a long and expensive process and that the kids KNOW that something is going on so it affects them too, my OH has never wanted to take that route so as not to cause his childrens lives any additional stress, but what that means is these mothers can and do try to play god on a whim when they arent getting her own way.

So yeah, my OH can be as bad tiptoeing around, he would be a wreck having to tell her if we were having a baby, he'd end up breaking it to her "gently" like its some sort of bad news! It pisses me off, it truly does. I wish these women could grow up and have some respect for others. I wish they could have a good think back to when they fell pregnant and realise that they never had to break it as BAD NEWS to one of their ex's, that they had our partners full attention etc, that no one was threatening them that their other child might not have a sitter if they went into labour. But no, they feign upset about the children being affected by the new child, when in fact its more likely because its a struggle for them to see the ex move on and they are losing control over their ex's life.

So I disagree, it is the mother. If she were reasonable, OH wouldnt be shitting himself about access. Its the main thing they have to threaten our partners with and BOY do they love the power.

I am so sorry for you, I dont think I'd want to be sticking around in that situation either, your OH isnt doing enough for you because he's so desperately trying to please everyone else. But I also would hate to split up my family. Its tough, but we are here for you. Please just take some time for you, maybe if one of your friends or folks could babysit to help you catch up on sleep, chores, or just have a long bloody bath. Do what you need to for you. X

@fightingforsmseverywhere I feel you! I am being a bit woe is me but I do always feel sad that my partner and his ex had two straightforward pregnancies and mine is seen as something to work around and fit in. It isn’t fair.

We had the whole ‘break it gently’ thing and I got called a selfish cunt because I didn’t consider the implications on her son’s private school bursary apparently.

Tbh it’s not what gets me going in bed, thinking about that...

We do walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting the agreement we have now - which is that my partner has more custody and pays an astonishing amount of maintenance and it is so frustrating as it’s just a rock and a hard place - of course he doesn’t want to rock the boat and see his children less and it’s so unfair that can be used as a real threat.

Can we have some kind of frustrated SM club with alcohol and lots of sympathy?

Sorry to hijack the thread a little bit but all are welcome at the club...

Oh my word your situation sounds horrendous. I feel for you. And are you saying your DP’s children have never met their half-sibling?

OP,

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. My jaw hit the floor when I got to the part about you labouring on your own.
I can absolutely see why you’ve had enough. Have you sat him down or tried going verbally apesh*t at him to get your message across?
Fellow SM here. DH has two from previous relationship and we have one together. It’s so hard when they tip-toe around their ex’s and Disney parent.
Due to this I’ve had to do a fair bit with our little one on my own and he’s missed out on so much exciting stuff and some milestones.
I hate the way his past controls our present and future. His daughters are lovely girls (most of the time) and they didn’t ask for this but I can’t wait for them to reach a certain age where SHE no longer has a say / control.
Dustyzest yes to a club!

Yey to a club from me too... I know the exw is to blame in some ways but your dp should be putting his kids first ALL OF THEM. If he can't he shouldn't have had more as it's 100% unfair on you n bbay and bbay half siblings. Hence I'd blame dp. He needs to grow a pair and do what's right, once his kids are old enough they get a legal say in seeing him

@spangly, how do you put ALL of the kids first at the same time, its ridiculous. And, if he cant, he shouldnt have had more? Are you on crack? Should he have told OP shes not allowed children of HER own then?

If the original parent team had another child, the first one would be sidelined on a couple of occasions for appointments and such like, its life. In this case, its just the mother saying "MY CHILDREN SHOULD BE MOSTEST IMPORTANT CAUSE THEY WERE HERE FIRST" and its ridiculous. The new children deserve his attention at this vulnerable age as his elder children had when they were born. They are being denied this through selfishness of the children and their mother.

Honestly piss off, that isn't what I meant at all as is clear.
His new child has as much right to see its dad and for its parent to be present, esp as you point out it is young and needs carers. He needs to deal with his ex for his children's benefit, all of them.
It's incredibly unfair on op to have had a child with her then to effectively ditch responsibility towards it because the older ones come first and he can't stand up to. His exw

Why can't he take the baby to see its siblings or bring the siblings round and do family things together? The children might want to see their sibling.

@QueenAnneBoleyn the past controlling the present is a great way to describe it. I might even say dictating the present...

Sometimes I get irrationally angry at my partner and I look at him and think why didn’t you just wait until you met me! He’s quite a bit older so he would have been waiting a while (and 20 years of his life would have been super different, not much to ask, right?!) but I’m totally worth the wait... it’s like when someone cheats on you in a dream and you’re angry at them for it when you wake up!

OP - I hope you can take from this that you’re not alone! But you do need to explain to your partner how this all makes you feel. I get wanting to walk away - I’ve been there. Does he know the extent of how you feel?

I'd second actually explaining the impact. I got it doesn't affect you u till I went on strike and put my foot down about not changing any part of my normal routine. Including handing baby over as normal. Then he got it!
I'm really sorry your going through this. Please do what is best for you and your child.
Maybe couples counselling might help so he can see your viewpoint?

Thank you so much for the replies and suggestions. We have spoken about it and he tells me I don’t understand because ex can be quite spiteful. I’m a firm believer of two sides to a story and having been the ex to a SM (older child) really try to understand. I completely get the feelings of ‘jealousy’ regarding the children and have explained would never try and take a Mother’s place but i’m another caregiver in the situation. But it feels like it falls on deaf ears. My mum lives abroad and my siblings work full time so don’t really have much physical support. Baby has met his siblings, dp has taken him one Saturday and one weekday within the whole year to meet them. Honestly the more a write the more silly I feel. He too has missed milestones. I just don’t understand it.

And yes it’s definitely hurting dsc as they often beg to see their baby sibling.

@Dustyzest so sorry this is your first experience. When I was pregnant I would give myself little treats, non alcoholic wine, a massage or just sit and read a book. Also my colleagues were amazing and we’d sit in the park and eat lunch. Try and do little things that you like...made a positive difference to my experience

Can he not take her to court and get a court order? Then she can't dictate to him what and where he can do.

Is he actually willing to loose you and the baby because he won't stand up to her? I think you need to be really black and white with him

@Somecoolname I have a regular stash of galaxy I keep restocking and raiding for when it gets too much...

Fighting why on earth are you calling the children selfish? None of this is down to them fgs.

She cannot dictate what he does during his access time. He needs to go to court and get court ordered access. They usually just go with the status quo and so would likely grant access on the same terms as it already stands, only he could then bring the DC to his home.

It costs about £200 for a court order. I can't understand why people don't just do this at the first sign of problems. Madness.

Has he even discussed mediation/court as an option?

To the pp who will have to take the 13 yo SS to hospital of on labour, can you get a relative or friend as a back up birthing partner?

I'll be honest, I couldn't be with someone who was unable to stand up to his Ex. It's far too much baggage and I won't have another woman's behaviour impacting on my life like that.