Access Schedule for Shift Workers

[Sessy19]

Interested in others’ experience of this.

My DH is a police officer. He has a shift schedule, but it is regularly subject to change. He has the ability to call in favours etc to change his shifts to see his kids to some extent, but it’s not guaranteed.

He sees his children, 13 and 9, somewhat ad hoc. They moved 100mi away about 2yrs age and ExW won’t drive.

There is no court ordered access, so kids visit when they choose. Sometimes that is every weekend, but mostly it is EOWE or less now, because they plan to meet up with their friends in their home town.

DH has been to see them when they have met their friends (otherwise he would sometimes go weeks without seeing them), but he agreed with ExW to no schedule, or at least, no visits unless it’s what the children choose.

I know, mind my own business. But is there much precedent here for fixed schedules with shift workers?

*its actually 4yrs ago! Not 2yrs age!! 😳

Go to court. Sorry.
We agree a shift schedule a year in advance so agree access calsnder then too.
Shift workers and childcare are covered din police so he should as a single parent be able to raise this and not wove weekend rest days.

My ExH worked shifts and I was advised by a solicitor that I could enforce specific days for him to see DS whether or not it fitted with his shift pattern as it was constantly changeable. If he was unable to have DS on the set days then that was his tough luck because we (DS and I) had a right to not have our life / plans / childcare constantly disrupted to suit his job.

My situation was a bit different because ExH was being verbally and emotionally abusive towards me but I would be careful of trying to enforce anything via court proceedings because it may not go in your DH’s favour.

If his ex is being flexible and happy for the kids to come on an ad hoc basis to suit your DH’s changing shift pattern then she’s being extremely reasonable so I’m not sure what you’re trying to achieve? The kids are getting older and if they choose when to come then that’s ok too, they are entitled to have plans with friends etc.
Any court would consider what the children (particularly the eldest child) want. If they’re happy with the current set up then just leave it be. As they get older it’s common for kids to see less of the NRP because they begin to value their social life and activities, it’s a bit rubbish for the NRP but access is viewed as being for the benefit of the child, not the parent.

We agree a shift schedule a year in advance so agree access calsnder then too
But the OP’s DH’s shift pattern can be subject to change so that wouldn’t work.
My Ex would agree to dates 3-4 months in advance so I would plan things accordingly, then his shift pattern would change and I would be expected to drop everything to suit his free time which wasn’t always possible... for example I booked a week abroad with DS and then ExH kicked up a stink because his shift pattern changed and the week we had booked was the only time that month he could have had DS overnight.
Unfortunately that’s tough luck for him.

It was also said in family court ”Mrs Chain has adjusted her career to suit the needs and care of her child, Mr ExChain is now expected to do the same. Mrs Chain needs to make the child available on XYZ dates and if Mr ExChain cannot fulfill this commitment then it is up to him to adjust his time accordingly”.

We have this problem and it drives me bananas.

DHs ex works shifts and at the moment we have the DC on the days that she is working every week.

It changes every week and she lets us know as last minute as possible.

I feel bad for the DC as they never know where they are staying from one night to the next.

We've tried to push for set days but she won't have it and says it's unfair because she won't get to see the DC as much.

I feel like we're stuck. Our lives practically revolve around her shift pattern!

How can your DH have a fixed contact schedule if his shifts are regularly changing? Unless he can guarantee the same day every weekend will be a non work day? Which I’m assuming he can’t?

The police have a policy on this and shift changes for parents with shared care. They can only move x number. A month of shifts. Your dp needs to speak to his boss and get a fix number of rest days non moved a month and use these for contact.
It will be hard but single mom's are police officers so it is possible

He’s military police. Which complicates everything. As he is also required to go away for short periods and short notice. Which means that ExW has always held the cards.

He is planning to leave, but due to his rank now, is unlikely to find a job on the ‘outside’ which pays as well, and ExW won’t accept a drop in spousal maintenance (CM will have to drop, if his wage does)....

...not that money comes into it, but the kids only come for planned excursions these days and if there’s less money to fund these things, there will be less outings, which means less access.

It just makes me sad I guess. Life.

As he is also required to go away for short periods and short notice. Which means that ExW has always held the cards.

She’s hardly holding the cards when it’s his job that dictates he goes away at short notice and works shifts!

I accommodate my EX who works shifts that change from month to month. It dictates my life, I get very little time to myself - as he seems ot think if he phones up at 1400 on a day to say he will pick them up - I should be grateful and will of coure be able to go and see my friends and have a drink - like they can drop things at the last minute.

I do it for my kids - but its toll on my life is immense. I have wasted £££££ on holiday care that suddenly is not needed, found emergency care because his plans change and God Forbid I should aks for anything - it is met with - I am not your babysitter, you are being unreasonable.

In no way does th non shift worker hold all the cards - I plan my life and expect it not to happen on the day, hour or minute.

@stuffedpeppers this was the same situation I was in!
So after 3 years of bending backwards to accommodate my Ex’s shift pattern under the misguided notion I was doing it for my DS I realised he was suffering the most from the inconsistency with contact and not knowing which house he was going to each day.
Ex eventually changed his job and it’s so much better... he has DS on a Weds and EOW and the regular contact has helped everyone’s relationship

I don't think there's much recourse via the courts in his situation. They would do as someone says above - other a fixed schedule on a take-it-or-leave-it basis, meaning he'd see them very little of his shifts didn't happen to fit with what was ordered. So his best bet is very much to keep on good terms with his ex, be flexible when she or the kids request it, and hope that in return she's flexible and allows him to fix up plans for contact whenever he knows his schedule. That's what my DSis does with her shift-working ex. It is a pain for the ex too tbh, never ever being able to plan or rely on anyone else having the kids except at short notice, but I guess she knows that's good it's always been.

He could also look to get more contact with the older child direct via social media, calling or texting. That can help a lot of they're pulling out of contact visits at times because of social plans. Or let them visit with a friend ocassionally?

Do you ever plan any time off without them? You do deserve the odd weekend with just the two of you - don't let him forget that in his anxiousness to see his kids as much as possible. Even if you have to plan that too at quite short notice around his shifts.

@Firefliess Appreciate your honesty, I thought that would be the case tbh.

Unfortunately, ExW is not particularly supportive of increased visiting. She wants DH to move to the town she moved to so that he can be involved in school drop offs etc but we just simply cannot afford to move there.

We don’t commit to any of ExWs requests unless we are 100% sure we can fulfill them, and the last couple of years we have been lucky enough to be offered to care for them while she’s on holiday, which we knew about in enough time to book tome off as holiday. And I don’t work shifts, so I can generally help. Although she doesn’t really want me to. Which I guess is understandable. I think in 8yrs DH had to let them down just once when he was in bed with gastroenteritis.

I am having a baby in the autumn. I want the children to have a relationship with their brother/sister. They are excited and DSD is already asking to come more, but it will only happen if it suits DSS and ExW, because of their hectic schedules. We will just have to hope.

Thanks for replies.

DH has very regular FaceTimes with both kids. But it’s not the same as seeing them in person ☹️

They are excited and DSD is already asking to come more, but it will only happen if it suits DSS and ExW, because of their hectic schedules
Hang on a second, it’s no one but your DH’s issue that they can’t come more because of his inconsistent work schedule! Otherwise he would be seeing them regular set days like most NRP.
I’m failing to see why their DM is getting the blame here? She sounds like she’s being very reasonable and as flexible as she can in the situation? Her life and the kids’ lives do not have to revolve around your DH’s changing shifts, they are allowed to make plans, have activities and lead a normal life.

To be blunt your DH needs to choose between earning more in his current job and accept his contact with his DCs will remain infrequent and inconsistent because of it, or get a different job which doesn’t pay as well but allows him to see his DCs regularly and more often.
It’s as simple as that.

I'm a bit confused about the Ex wife being blamed too. How does she hold the cards when he works shifts, that take him away at short notice.

If that was the same when they were married, then it sounds like she did the majority of the parenting and it's her who would have had to arrange childcare if she was working. It would have been impossible to rely on him for childcare, because of last minute changes and it could impact on her job if she had one, as she was doing it on her own.

The only thing that's changed from what you say is her moving further away.

You say the reason he can't see them consistently is due to his shifts... that's not something his Ex is in control of.

She moved away, so she can't be demanding he moves to her town, when she made that choice unilaterally.

Regarding spousal maintenance......surely that was calculated based on his earnings at the time, so if he took a another job and earned less, I'd think it has to be revised due to the change in circumstances.

What do you think she could do to make the situation better?

but it will only happen if it suits DSS and ExW, because of their hectic schedules. We will just have to hope.

And your DHs ever changing schedule?

I don’t think I should have made the comment on ExW holding all the cards, that was unfair. We had to change our wedding date 3times because of her arrangements changing earlier this year, and I guess I’m still a bit bitter about that! But that is no reason to go in on her.

She doesn’t have it easy, I do understand that. She’s raised the two kids on her own, for sure, and that’s honourable. She doesn’t work (she gets spousal maintenance as a result of DH protecting his pension) but she was always clear that she would be a SAHM when she and DH were married, and DH hasn’t begrudged her that as far as I see. I believe she is at college to start a career now, since both kids are obviously more autonomous.

DH has a shifting timetable, which has always been the reason for the lack of legally stipulated access (they agreed that it would ‘just work’ when she decided to leave him), but I just wondered how others managed this, since not all shift working parent seem to have such restricted access to their children. But maybe they do...

ExW has always been aware of the limitations of his shifts, he did that when they were married, but her moving has never been the problem...it’s always his job as far as she’s concerned. It’s boring now, her constantly making different plans and then saying he is a shit dad because he doesn’t see his kids....

And you make a good point. What can ExW do? Nothing. The kids have lives. She has plans. No one is really unhappy with ‘their lot’, except DH who would prefer to spend more time with his children....but that’s not the point 🤷‍♀️

except DH who would prefer to spend more time with his children....but that’s not the point 🤷‍♀️

Surely that is the point? It’s the point of your thread, isn’t it? So what can he do to see his children more? That’s what he needs to investigate. Only he can do that. There would be zero point going to court and asking for fixed contact when your DH can’t actually commit to any specific days. So he needs to look at what he can do about his shifts first.

Like I said, he does go away on exercise periodically, and he works one in 5 or so weekends. He is usually available when kids want to see him, but the EXCUSE of his shift working being the perpetual reason that he’s apparently unreliable (one missed visit in 8yrs is not awful in my book, but am I wrong??), if he can’t change a weekend off on the off-chance they decide they want to see him on that one working weekend, that gets up my nose.

ExW is a royal pain in my arse. For other reasons as well as this, which I don’t need to go into. But she IS a good mother. I can say that.

So if he only works one in 5 weekends he can have the DC then, surely he has an idea of his schedule with some degree of notice that he can contact his ex and say “these are my free weekends for the next X months/weeks, which dates suits DC to come?” Whilst also accepting that there will be times they already have plans.

Well this is my point. He does that. It’s not that we CAN’T have them...

Could he periodically book some annual leave and spend a longer period of time with them during school holidays?

As kids get older they tend to prefer their own surroundings and with friends closeby, a 2/2.5 hour journey to visit dad isn't quite as exciting anymore.

It might be that the younger DC
comes on their own, if the older one isn't available. Especially as she's looking forward to the baby coming....it will be good for them to bond.

I’m confused... how often does your DH actually have them then? If he’s got 4 out of 5 weekends free?
I don’t see the issue if he has them say 2 weekends a month because that’s a pretty standard set up?