Mother's day question

[FeelingSoSad2]

Hello,
I have a 14 year old DSD. I've been in her life 6 years now, 3 married to her father. I always treated her well, pretty much the same as my own DD. My husband doesn't have shared custody like many divorced parents, but she's with us 50% of the time on every holiday, so there was enough time to develop a good relationship.
She once gave me a gift (for my bday) and that was when she was 8 years old. A picture of herself with a drawing and a text. It was so lovely!
Once she was with us on Mother's day and my husband said that she excitedly prepared me a fruit salad with my DD. To her mother, she said that she just helped DD. But that was a few years ago too.
Nothing since then.
I know she was a young child, so I didn't expect anything then and I was touched when she showed a nice gesture.

I obviously buy her gifts not only for her bday, but for Xmas too (it's not in our culture, so not to be expected) and buy her random things too. And it's not just about gifts, there was affection, jokes, taking care of her when she wasn't well, etc.

She does remind me of her bday and even tells me what she wants. This year, she got a gift as always, her favorite activity organized by me and a personalised cake made by me also which impressed her....

For her parents, she did drawings for Valentine's day, got them gifts for Mother/Father's day and birthdays. Her mother gives a gift to my husband from herself and her older son who is my husband exSS and DSD mentions that it's from her brother. So she does have an example of a stepchild congratulating his (ex)stepfather.

I just got a dry "happy birthday" on my bday just because she happened to be with us that day. For Mother's day, my husband says that he told her to wish me happy mother's day this year (she wasn't with us), but she didn't do it.

Yet, today she saw that I bought a piano and assumed that it was for her!

I try not to be affected, because I know that I don't compare in importance to her parents, but I can't help but wonder: does this look like she actually doesn't appreciate me, because clearly she has the concept of making a card/drawing/congratulating and she's not little anymore?

I think 14 year olds can be quite self absorbed. I wouldn't take it personally. Does she do much better for her dad? (Without someone doing it for her)

Yes, she did the drawings and cards for her dad by herself....

I think kids need setting straight by the parents, I was always made to give my SM and SD cards and a present for birthdays and mothers/fathers day and to this day, I still very much do.

My step-mums birthday is on Valentines day and I've been expected each and every year to attend a meal with them for it (I've not had a single valentines date and I'm in my mid thirties!). Its just respectful. They didnt even do "step" cards back then so there is certainly no excuse now! However my OH can barely remember to think to buy me cards from his kids for Christmas or birthday, much less mothers day (which wouldnt be my bag anyway TBH), and I have told OH if he cant bring himself to remember to enforce it, how can they be expected to take it seriously. I asked him if he really thought it was reasonable if they dont bother to acknowledge my birthday when they become adults, despite me having been in their lives since they were 2 and 6? That they will be expected to get grandparents, aunties, nieces, nephews etc cards but not me, a person who has helped bring them up for the last 20 years? He could see my point, but I know hes still bloody useless so this year I will be reminding him to buy me a card for my birthday and a card for Xmas and making sure he has them sign it. If its annoying you then maybe do the same? We can sit around bemoaning the lack of thought or we can insist that we are given some consideration

I've never said happy mother's Day or vice versa to my step mum or step dad. They're not my parents.

She should perhaps be getting a card on your birthday by now though but then I would say that's something for her dad to deal with with her

Your DH is at fault for not prompting your DSD to do anything for these occasions. If he/your DSD doesn't feel comfortable with that then you should be taking a step back from present buying etc and let your DH sort it - they can't have it both ways.

I had this issue with DH regarding mothers day back in the days when I used to do a lot for my DSC (they're grown now). I explained to DH that whilst I didn't necessarily expect any acknowledgement from the kids themselves what I did expect was acknowledgement from DH. From then on I received a card and present from him to thank me for everything I did for DSC - your DH should be doing that as a minimum.

I don't think it should be forced. She is aware of mothers day and while it would be nice to get a card, it needs to come from her heart...not because her dad has told her to do it.

As long as she's generally respectful towards you, then I wouldn't fuss over it.

My step-mums birthday is on Valentines day and I've been expected each and every year to attend a meal with them for it (I've not had a single valentines date and I'm in my mid thirties!).
Its just respectful

Sorry, but I think it's sad ...not respectful.

In your mid thirties and you are expected to go out for your SMs birthday on Valentine's day?

Have you been single all this time? No family of your own.

I have to say I don't think my family would expect me to come out every year for meal for their birthday when I'm grown up with my own life. I do think it's a bit odd that it's still expected

Why is that sad? Do you not bother with your own families? What on earth about my situation would make you think I'm single?! It is respect for the people you love, I feel sorry for your family if you arent willing to sacrifice an evening a year for them. If your parent or sibling were born on Christmas day, does that suddenly make their birthday less important?

Good attitudes are instilled in children from a young age, although I fear that is long forgotten in the generation of children currently being bought up.

She’s 14 and clearly doesn’t consider you on the same level as her parents and nor should she. You aren’t her mum. Forcing her to show consideration won’t go anywhere either. She’s clearly thoughtful around her mum and dad so ignoring you is probably deliberate.

FightingForSMsEverywhere ,
this is so lovely of you to think like that! I always feel touched when I read stories where the SM is appreciated.
Did your SM contribute to raising you and that's why you consider her important? Or is it your father that instilled the respect for her in you when you were young? Or you are just a considerate person in general?

I'm trying to understand what makes a difference between considerate stepchildren and those who don't care if when the SM treats them well.

You are not her mother, therefore it's an utter moot point for Mother's Day.

Yes, she should acknowledge your birthday, but that's it really, and it should be organised by your DH as she won't have her own money at 14. She's only 14.

As an adult, i would never send my Dad's wife something on Mother's Day. She's a mother to her own children and not me. I do always buy her something for her birthday, as she does for me in addition to my Dad sending something.

It's your DH you need to talk to about this, not your step daughter. She's a child. He has to organise stuff, not her.

It's not about organising and making a big thing, it could be just a drawing. She likes drawing.

Her mother is not my husband's mother either, but he does congratulate her and sends her a present on Mother's day, just like we congratulate other women who are not our mothers. And how do you explain that she tells me that her mother's older son from previous relationship congratulates my husband if my husband is his EX Stepdad and they are separated over 5 years?

Thank you for enlightening me Teddybear45. Then why is she assuming that I bought her a piano? She knows that it's expensive, her parents are still looking for a used one that is decent priced.

Teddy, second post I've seen of you. You sound incredibly bitter and nasty. You clearly have an SM in your kids life that you resent to be saying such deliberately barbed comments. Touch a nerve does it?

Gosh, You lot are really quite spiteful, not to mention ungrateful! Yes we all know we aren't their mum, honestly if you've said it once you've said it a thousand boring times! I assure you we largely have no wish to be!

Mother or not, it takes more than giving birth to fulfil the job. If your step mum's were around when you were little then you better appreciate that woman still did your washing, cleaned your grazes, cooked your meals, organised your school bags, made sure your dad didn't forget birthdays, made sure you had lovely Christmas Dinners, put up with YOUR mother's when they were being awkward. I sincerely hope you end up with SCs as ungrateful as yourselves. And if its because you kid has an SM, maybe try thanking her for what she does once in a while!

And to OP, I do it for all those reasons, she's a great person who didn't need to invest in me but did, she wasn't perfect, but she also didn't owe me anything. Everything she did was out of the goodness of her heart and because she loves my father, she deserves to be appreciated at least one day a year. I used to get her a card and put my baby brothers name in it (her son) too, now he's big enough and ugly enough to do it himself bless him, haha xx

Depends on the relationship? My step mum gets fuck all from me because I cant stand her. My step dad however, get fathers day, christmas and birthday presents, is refered to as grandad to by my kids and is very much my other dad.

I think her parents should be teaching her not to be thoughtless or unkind. If her mum sends a present to your dh from her son then there ought to be some recognition that you are doing for her daughter what your husband did for her son. But mostly it's your husband who should be teaching his daughter to properly acknowledge birthdays etc.
I wouldn't get hung up on the Mother's Day thing or the assumption over the piano. Teenagers can be pretty self centred.

Cards don't mean anything if the child isn't generally nice and respectful to you. So it's better to focus on her day to day attitude, than mother's day.

She might feel it's disloyal to her mum and would upset her to get you a mother's day card. Children in blended families have a lot more to deal with, than parents being together.

Re the expectation to attend a birthday meal every year... it is sad IMO. If my own mother's birthday fell on valentines day, I wouldn't go every year, because I'd be spending the day with my DH sometimes. In my family, we tend to have birthday celebrations at the weekend after the birthday...due to work and school for the DC the following day.

There wouldn't be a set in stone annual meal, that the family are summoned to.

That doesn't mean I love her any less or that I'm disrespectful for not attending.

If my DH without fail, went to a meal for his dad's birthday every year on Valentine's day... I wouldn't be impressed and would feel he's putting his dad above me. Some years...would be okay...every year...No.

Same would apply if the birthday was on Christmas day. Not attending, does not translate into forgotten or lack of caring or no respect.

What does your husband do about her birthday? My DSD needs prompting to be taken out and bought a present for my birthday; it’s not that she doesn’t care she’s just a child and is quite self centred in that way.
Equally it’s her mum sends the present from her brother to your DH so it needs to be your DH that organises something from her if that’s important for Mother’s Day.
In both instances I’d be expecting an adult to be doing it from a young age then by 14 her have a bit more responsibility but if no one has made it clear over the years that it’s expected then it’s not really her fault.
I don’t get anything from DSD for Mother’s day and it’s not something that’s ever occurred to me that I would if I’m honest.

Thank you for your comments.
I never expected anything for Mother's day either tbh, but when I saw how she said that the gift was from her mother and her brother (again, my husband's EX stepson and my husband said that when he saw him, he also wished it in person) and it was said in a way that it was such a normal obvious thing! It occurred to me, but what about me? I bet she wished happy Father's day to her mother's boyfriend of 2 years that she calls her stepfather.

FightingForSMsEverywhere, your message was the best SM defending message that I've seen on this board! I didn't have to cook for her when she came to me numerous times even at 10 pm: "FeelingSoSad2, I'm hungry" or in the morning (my daughter is never hungry in the morning): "FeelingSoSad2, what are we eating, I'm hungry?". "FeelingSoSad2, can you read us a book before sleeping?", "FeelingSoSad2, I'm bored", "FeelingSoSad2, can you buy me this?", "FeelingSoSad2, don't forget my birthday, I want XYZ, they are a bit expensive, but they are so cool". "FeelingSoSad2, can you give me a foot massage", "FeelingSoSad2, my feet are cold, can you hold them in your hands?", etc.

My husband rarely saw this and assumes that whatever I do is just a normal thing that I do for my own child, so it's nothing out of the extraordinary. But he's not doing anything out of extraordinary for his ex step son.

People like mentioning sexism (including my DSD who likes to show her social knowledge), but I think that assuming that it's the woman's job to take care of kids, so she doesn't deserve anything for it is precisely sexist. If a stepfather cooked for his stepchildren, it would be considered amazing.

People like mentioning sexism (including my DSD who likes to show her social knowledge), but I think that assuming that it's the woman's job to take care of kids, so she doesn't deserve anything for it is precisely sexist. If a stepfather cooked for his stepchildren, it would be considered amazing.

I totally agree with you.

There's an expectation of women in there family, but I don't think that should be the same in blended families.

A lot of times it seems like the father doesn't do anything, yet the SM is cooking, helping with homework, cleaning after, doing laundry and being chauffeur to SC.

The question has to be asked...what's left for the dad to do in terms of parenting his DC.

When I see those threads... I do wonder if that laziness is why they split up.

Good parents teach their DC to be appreciative.. quite often if your DH/DP doesn't appreciate what you do for his DC... the chances of them appreciating it are slim.

Though I still say appreciation is not about a card one day a year.. it's about the behaviour in their regular interactions with you.