Am I being unreasonable?

[Majella20]

Morning everyone!

I am looking for some help and advice here.

I am pregnant with my first baby with my boyfriend who has a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Cut a very long story short he has had problems with visitation and unfortunately the relationship he has with the mother of SD is not very good at all. Since we have been together he has had regular contact and everyone has stuck to the dates and times that have been agreed which is great as SD now knows when she will be seeing her Dad.

SD is a really lovely little girl however she doesn’t have any form of routine at home or with us – my partner suffers from Daddy guilt I think and just lets her do whatever she wants eg up at 11pmm_ at night all hyper active and jumping around because all she eats is ‘snacks’. I have brought up the topic of establishing a routine but as her mother I can enforce that if you know what I mean.

This morning my boyfriend and I were talking about what will happen when baby arrives and I asked if there was a possibility that when we had SD for the first time after the birth if she could not stay the night – so we still have her all through the day but at night time she sleeps at home. My reasoning behind it is that I am a first time mum I have so much to learn, I don’t know how I am going to feel and I just want to make sure I am doing the best for everyone involved and that I can rest at night – with her having no bed time I just don’t want her jumping around and disturbing me and baby when she should be asleep! He has not taking it well, he is ignoring me now and stormed out of the house. He saw it as me saying that she can’t come over at all and he can’t see her but that is not what I meant by that at all.

Any one else in a similar situation or have first hand experience they can share? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Will it be ok having the baby and SD there after the birth?

Thank you!

Ps I do know babies come whenever they want and she might no be with us when I give birth and it might not be our turn to have her but I just want to get these things planned out.

Oh, blimey. I hope he wakes up a bit - even if you were her mum, that wouldn’t be acceptable! It is usually difficult making plans for the care of older children when a subsequent baby is being born, but it has to be done, and it’s your partner’s job to do so!

It is a bonkers idea to suggest taking your SD into hospital while you are in labour.
No one does this!
My SC's were with their Mum whilst DD was born, came into hospital the next day to see her and came to stay at ours same as usual after that.
Your DP really needs some good advice around parenting!!

I am not allowing my son to come to the hospital and why would he? He could be noisy, long and scar her for life into not having kids. A visit afterwards fair enough but when you go into labour no chance!

It’s a hard balance as you don’t want her to feel that the new baby is pushing her out so I think I would be letting her stay but insist on ground rules and your DH does the looking after her etc but I do understand where you are coming from

It could be noisy long and scary not he 🙄

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair me to! I just think this whole thing is a joke now

@Beamur it's like going from bad to worse isn't it! She come to the hospital - all I did this morning was ask a simple question if he had thought about what would happen when I go into labour and it's turned into this!

@Karigan195 it's just odd children shouldn't be there. I don't know any children who go to the hospital while mum is in labour!

Like I said early he needs to drop this otherwise I will walk away I am not being this stressed about a birth which is always stressful!

Better to have the conversation now than when you're in labour

@Beamur especially if SD is there

If you go into labour, he's either going to have to take your stepdaughter home or wait for someone else to pick her up - he can't leave her home alone, I doubt he wants her to see you in labour he's just pointing out that he will have to do something with her.

he needs to drop this otherwise I will walk away

Also don't threaten to walk away if you are not prepared to do so. Discussion is a better way of compromising.

@ChicCroissant no he wants her to be there - he said he has no one to look after her (what about her mother) and he is not saying to her that she can't come! I completely agree she can't be left alone.

To be honest I am prepared to walk away because this whole thing is just a joke. There is no conversation or compromise just his way or the highway and actually I have to think of our baby in this and try and give it the best start - this stress isn't the best start.

Walk away now. It will only get worse.

@DaisiesAreOurSilver I think you're right

Do you have someone else who can come in with you? He can watch his DD and miss the birth if that's what it comes down to.

How long have you & DP been together & what's your housing situation? Did one of you move in with the other or have you bought/rented a place together? If you're in a position to do it then being on your own - even if you decide you only want that temporarily - is probably better for you than another 5 months of stress until the birth then who knows how much the stress may continue after the birth.
Your 1st pregnancy should be a time for as much peaceful serenity as you can muster. It's a very special time, one that will never be repeated as everything is a first for you & your body. I can still remember with crystal clarity after nearly 40 years the first time I realised I was feeling my baby move inside my womb. The last thing you need is your DP's 5yo bouncing off the walls on a constant sugar high at all times of the day & night.
Be clear & firm with DP that everything has to change, and that it'll be change for the better. I imagine SD is at primary school already, how can she possibly cope with learning when she has no routine/bedtime in either home? Teachers will undoubtedly become aware that she's staying up so late & DP may well find himself being called to account by someone somewhere down the line.

@EileenAlanna thank you for your comments. We rent but he moved into my rented house if that makes sense. We are looking to move as well - somewhere a little bigger to accommodate.

She is a primary school and to be honest I feel terrible for her. She has not routine anywhere, all she will eat at home and with us is plain rice, pizza and McDonald's. I really want to help establish a good routine for her and I do her reading with her when she is with us - but her mother doesn't as you can see from the reading book. I try not to say too much as I don't want to seem like I am being judgemental or saying bad things about her mother. I don't know her mum and have no idea on her personal situation and wouldn't want to make the judgement as it's not fair.

Good evening, I’ve read your main post but not read through all the comments.
I too was in your situation a year ago, my partner had a four year old and I was pregnant. My partner also had a terrible relationship with the mum, daughter had and still has no routine so when she stays it’s a nightmare... Anywho, what I would say from experience is that you all need time to adjust, maybe 1 week, no visitors! You’re going to be sleep deprived, hormones everywhere. If you’re worried now, wait until after birth when your hormones kick in. It’ll hit you like a bus!
My partners daughter came 3 days after I’d given birth (really bad idea from my partners mum) and stayed for 3 nights.

Giving yourself some time will be better. Then the first time your partners daughter stays everything is normal, but leave him to look after her and you look after yourself and baby, don’t worry what they’re doing.
It can be difficult to get the balance right but she’s your child’s sibling (half sibling if you want), you and your partner need to be a united front though. Relax and don’t over think it.

@Silverwave morning! Thank you very much for your comments. I find it is getting better and my partner is becoming slightly more understanding eg we moved her day this week to tomorrow so my partner and I can go to the 20 week scan together as if she had stuck to her original day then she would have been with us and my partner would have missed it!

I just need to see what happens and focus on just having a calm pregnancy I am really suggesting with hormones etc and am heading off to the doctors in a min to see if they can help xxx

@Silverwave morning! Thank you very much for your comments. I find it is getting better and my partner is becoming slightly more understanding eg we moved her day this week to tomorrow so my partner and I can go to the 20 week scan together as if she had stuck to her original day then she would have been with us and my partner would have missed it!

I just need to see what happens and focus on just having a calm pregnancy I am really suggesting with hormones etc and am heading off to the doctors in a min to see if they can help xxx

@Silverwave morning! Thank you very much for your comments. I find it is getting better and my partner is becoming slightly more understanding eg we moved her day this week to tomorrow so my partner and I can go to the 20 week scan together as if she had stuck to her original day then she would have been with us and my partner would have missed it!

I just need to see what happens and focus on just having a calm pregnancy I am really suggesting with hormones etc and am heading off to the doctors in a min to see if they can help xxx

@Silverwave morning! Thank you very much for your comments. I find it is getting better and my partner is becoming slightly more understanding eg we moved her day this week to tomorrow so my partner and I can go to the 20 week scan together as if she had stuck to her original day then she would have been with us and my partner would have missed it!

I just need to see what happens and focus on just having a calm pregnancy I am really suggesting with hormones etc and am heading off to the doctors in a min to see if they can help xxx

@Silverwave apologies not sure why it posted so many times!

Not to worry, sorry about the late reply.
I can totally empathise how you’re feeling. Don’t worry too much about your hormones, it’s totally normal for them to be like a rollercoaster when you’re pregnant especially when you have other children who aren’t yours to think about.
All I would say is to see your partners daughter as his daughter, not a threat. It can be difficult to get your head around it especially when you’re having your own child and your first!
You need to get the balance right from the get go. Involve her as much as you can. I’m sure she won’t be too interested in the baby to begin with, she may even feel jealous. (My partners daughter did to begin with) However you’re the adult and you say what goes. You and your partner need to be on mutual ground, it’s not good cop bad cop, you need to be a united front.

As much as getting a routine in place would be ideal, you’ll soon learn that it take a lot of hard work. Consistency is key! Especially with a 5 year old. It’s always a battle for us to get my partners daughter to bed, keeping calm is best.... just breathe. I guess putting yourself in her shoes, she’s so excited to see her dad and you of course but all buttons will get pressed, it’s what kids do.
Just don’t let the thought of your partners daughter get you down because you’ll then build something up in your head which isn’t there. Definitely stick to no visitors for a week or two, if the daughters mum doesn’t understand that then she’s being selfish.

@Silverwave thank you for your advice. It's great to know that there are other people going through the same thing xxx