Breaking point

[Mumofboys124]

Hi all, looking for advice or experience with the following.
Me and my husband have been together 4 years, married for 1. We both have a child from previous relationships and one of our own (boy, 9months)
Girl is 6 (stepdaughter) and boy is 5 (son).
They met when my son was 2 so have known each other for about 3 -3.5 years.
To start with everyone got along great, hubs doesn’t have a great relationship with his ex but we had muddled through, she had a strong dislike for me from the off and made it very clear. I’ve never engaged in any bad words with her as honestly I don’t have the time.
Stepdaughter started school 1.5 years ago and since then has been a nightmare coming to our house, either refusing to come or crying the whole time she was there. We have cut down time to just weekends as the week night we had her was just hellish and more upsetting for everyone than it was enjoyable.
Her mum went away for a week when she had just started school and I was picking her up, well me and her grandparents, this is when the problems started. Hubs asked to discuss with his ex and was shut down with ‘well she is fine anywhere else so deal with it’ which is what we did for a long while, and whenever he brings it up we still get the same reply. More recently my stepdaughter has started blaming the reason she doesn’t want to come on my son (5), don’t get me wrong he is boisterous and very much a boy, but he isn’t nasty or malicious, nor would I let him be. This has filtered through the whole of their side of the family so now she only has to say she doesn’t want to come and that’s that.
I’m at my breaking point as I want to give up and protect my son but I understand this is my husbands first born and despite the issues we need to try.
The ex is still on the stance of ‘not my problem’ and unfortunately my husbands mum and dad have taken her side somewhat and support what she is doing. Which has resulted in our relationship with them totally breaking down meaning we have no support.
I need some guidance desperately before it ends us.

Thanks for reading

Does she spend time separate with her father without you're son present? It sounds like you're doing all the care which really should be down to her df to be doing which might be part of the problem, her dm is right it is not just up to her to parent but also up to you're dh to parent do the school runs and get involved.

When you say boisterous that's code for being quite handful. I'm a mam to two boys and i know exactly how boys can be I think you might be under estimating how boisterous he might be with her especially if other family members have noticed aswell.

Other family members haven't noticed anything, only what's been said by stepdaughter and her mum.
No-one who has spent time with them both has commented on anything.
My husband has plenty of time on his own with her but due to work schedules and other kids plus his ex moving further away it's not possible for him to do much more at present. We are trying to work with what we've got.

And no-one is saying that it is only down to her mother to parent, but he tried to open some communication between them to solve the issue between them and was shut down. She is supposed to know her best so wanted some advice.