help! Its been over 4 years and my partner seems to hate my daughter

[love2laugh]

I really could do with some advice. I was a single parent until my daughter was 7/8 years old. She never had a relationship with her real dad. I met my partner and we began a relationship, eventually moving in together etc. But things have never been great with my daughter and him. She is a lovely girl with a big heart but she never had a man in her life before and used to cry if he took her out by himself (very rarely). Instead of comforting her he would feel offended and get cross (he is a very sensitive person and his childhood did not involve cuddles). He will still to this day blame the absent father for her 'bad qualities'. So time went on and she began to call him Dadddy and I suppose I convinced myself he would be able to learn to love her. We had 2 children of our own who my daughter adores. She is now 12 and in my opinion helps so much with the kids but my partner has hundreds of gripes about her (he is a fussy person) He says the following:

1. She is not observant enough ie if the baby is climbing on something and she is watching telly she won't notice.
2. She never helps around the house voluntarily, forgets to clean out the bath etc. (typical teenager if you ask me)
3. He says she is only interested in her friends etc. (but isn't that normal for 12?) 4) She is obsessed with computers/nintendo (normal again?)

These are just a few and every day he moans about her. I told him yesterday that I feel he just hates her as a person and he didnt deny it. He is naturally intolerant of other people. He was also bought up in a house with lots of sisters who had to clean and scrub from a very young age.

The final thing now is that I am pregnant again (not on purpose) so do i stay loyal to my 3 kids with him or do I just leave and do the best for my daughter. She is not showing outward signs of being disturbed by anything but I know she must sense an atmosphere between my partner and her. He is not a bad dad generally but I know if he acted more loving towards her she would respond ten fold.

thanks and i'd really appreciate any advice -im at my wits end...

Awful for you but it's a hundred times worse for your dd. Poor girl. IMHO your dp is being unfair and unnecessarily harsh. Your daughter will end up with so many issues as a result of the way your dp is treating her but I'm sure you know that.

Thanks - I know what you mean - the thing is he never really speaks to her about it - not often and she seems to breeze through without noticing. But I get all the stress. Deep down she mmust feel no love from him - but she has nothing to compare it to. I had a lovely dad so I know. SO I have to assess how much it is affecting her (and me) and whether that is worth becoming a single parent with 4 children!

Very very tricky decision for you. Do you think he could ever change? Has he got a problem about "bringing up another man's child"? I'd just be worried that this might have a long term effect on her - a friend of mine had a similar issue with her step father and ended up going out with/living with a whole host of hideous blokes who showed her just a scrap of affection. She's had years of counselling and is happily married to a lovely man but I think it's been hard. However, if you think your dd is happy and settled then it might be worth perservering. As long as she knows that you'll love her to the ends of the earth and back no matter what she might emerge from all of this ok.

Good luck.

I think you need to sit down with your DP and tell him that how he is with your eldest DD is really affecting how you feel about him. And that if he doesn't make more of an effort with her that you would consider leaving.

He does sound like he has "issues" from his childhood and the parenting he received. Would he consider some kind of family counselling do you think?

She is coming to an age were she will start to notice how he treats your other children and will resent it - all at a very confusing time any way.

And yes - she sounds pretty much like a normal 12 year old to me.

gosh how difficult for you . a very tricky situation.
I think you need to takcle this head on, it obviously isn't going to get better by itself, and speak to your dp.
I think he clearly has problems from his childhood.
could you speak to him about it? tell him how seriously you feel it will affect her? do you think he would be willing or able to change?
would he be open to the idea of family counselling.

What a nightmare for you. It does sound like your Dp is being unnecessarily thoughtless. I have a bit of experience - my DH and I got together when DS1 was 8 and DD 6 - and have gone on to have 2 more sons. DD and DH have never really got on - he never forgives her for what I consider to be mild chidish misbehaviour, is quick to criticise and it sometimes feels like he's looking for reasons to have a go at her. She's now 18 and they have come to a sort of truce, have even been known to share a joke and things have definately improved, so there may be hope for you. I think my DH was actually quite jealous of my closeness with DD, in that we have a relationship he can't ever share in as he could with his own kids.
You need to tell him exactly how you're feeling - she's still a little girl, and of course you're going to put her needs ahead of his long-term. Maybe point out all her good points, the times she does help, etc.?He's not being fair to you or her.

Thanks so much for your help - yeah it is tricky - the problem is that I'm forever on the defensive for her as all he says is negative things about her. i have had countless talks and arguments with him. He says he even feels guilty for thinking bad things about her. I would love family counselling but I doubt he's going to be so happy. You know the crazy thing is that we are supposed to be getting married in 2 months and DD is very excited! I think maybe I need to get her to open up and find out how she really feels. Also i would say apart from the age gap my partner doesn't treat our kids much different. He just needs to understand children better. Dont get me wrong he is lovely to all of them but just this constant niggling about DD puts me on edge every time she wants to call a friend or asks to go on her computer etc.

Hassled - do you think your daughter has emotional problems as a result? Did she keep a gd relationship with her real dad? Am constantly pointing out her good points but I just need him to praise her more and be more positive in general.

Sorry for the long delay - a nightmare day out with kids
No, my DD doesn't have a great relationship with her father, although shared custody so lots of contact (3 nights a week). He's a good guy, but they're too alike in temperament. And while she's had a lot of problems in her teenage years, I really don't think many of them are down to the issues with my DH - her view was always that they were never going to like each other but she could see that he was good for me, was the father of her half-brothers and so she was stuck with him. You mentioned your marriage (congratulations!) - oddly DD and DH's sudden occasional enjoyment of each other's company really took off after our marriage in April, so that may help things - I suppose after so many years, making it official made them both realise we are actually quite a hppy, together, family unit. Good luck with it all.

She's a child, not a servant or childminder.

She's your child. You have a duty to her.

To protect her for gits like this, for one.

Poor kid!

Imagine being trapped in a house with some bloke who treated you like this and a mother who just stood by and let it happen.

A nightmare all right.

For her.

She's trapped there. She has nowhere else to go.

My ds1 (he is 13 was 6 when dp and I met) dp and I have 2 together aged nearly 5 and 4 mths.

DS1 does see his Dad and it is fair to say DP does complain about ds1 and his ways at tiem, but only ever in a fun way as ds1 is the original mad professor -

DS1 is also obsessed with texting, msn, wii and tennis

and so he should be, he is kid still.

He does help a lot with the other kids and makes tea and helps if asked.

I get what I expect from him - dp expects more, therefore I work on lowering his expectations as he is unreasonable at times

DP went to boarding school as a teen and has never been parented through teens so is unsure as to what to expect

I think given that you are pregnant and ahve other kids, some kind of counselling might work?
if he refuses then you may have to consider what to do next.

Only read the OP, but is he different with your other dcs? If he isn't, it may just be the way he is and you are more sensitive to it with your dd because she is not his. In which case it may be more constructive to focus more on his style of parenting in general rather than his relationship with yor dd.

That way if you end up having arguments with him about it your dd will not feel responsible.

Btw, dsf was (still is) hypercritical and I absolutely love him, and am in a happy marriage with a wonderful dh.

Thanks so much for all opinions! Been xtra busy too! I decided to have a talk with my daughter just me and her and there were lots of tears and emotions BUT I do think there's hope. She seems to feel v secure with my DP and as he does treat her (as she reminded me!) and does tend to feel guilty after handing out punishment (eg a computer ban) and then backs down, she says she feels he does care for her. The two main issues she wants to change are: 1) She wants proper cuddles from him 2) She wants him to praise her more.
She is such a mature girl and I really had to squeeze everything out of her to make sure she wasn't just saying things to not upset me. I told her that her feelings are more important than anything and she had to be honest with me - I truly believe she was.
SO now i have to train DP how to cuddle and mean it - he can cuddle me no problem romantically but even with the little ones he seems stiff. He was just never cuddled as a child.
Please don't get me wrong my DP is lovely - he is just fussy and sometimes petty about unimportant things which causes a lot of problems - his expectations are too high.

Can I just say firstly you sound like a great mum?

It is good that your DD isn't feeling too upset by this. She sounds great btw!

Would your DP do a parenting course - maybe if you did it together he would not feel it was all about him and you would actually know some strategies to help him too?

My DH was an only child whose Mum died when he was 11 and he is not a cuddler either - will accept a hug from me but not initiate. Hsn't stopped our DS from hugging him, sitting on him etc etc. And DH loves it. Still finds it difficult to respond but does do.

Thanks Bud. I can't imagine him doing a parenting course but I am going to perservere with teaching him - I have btw changed his ways a lot as i've explained how his actions can damage kids emotionally. I just try to emphasize the importance of love and security. With my Dad i could go to him with any problem and knew his arms would be open wide no matter what i had done. What my DP needs to understand is that what you give is what you get back - if he gives little in love, little will be returned. He is also so focused on providing for us he does literally nothing with the kids - I make him do things and it is sad I have to. Before his Mum passed away she told me that his Dad never had anything to do with the children apart from discipline - he was the provider. So I guess my DP just really doesn't know how to be a Dad - he literally has nothing to relate to.
Thanks for saying I'm a good mum - we all try don't we?! I think the most important thing is that your kids know and feel that they are loved unconditionally (by both parents) and that they NEVER fear you or your reactions. the way i see it, the more emotionally secure they are during childhood the less problems they have as an adult and the less grief you have to suffer after they hit 18. The ideal is to produce well rounded, emotionally balanced adults. Then we can relax (a little bit!) until the grandkids come along HA HA!

It sounds as though in some ways he thinks that being a good parent means constant criticism - obv if his Dad wasn't involved in the fun stuff he only did the disiplining.

Have you tried talking to him about HOW he goes about dealing with your DD? I.e. if he really praises the things she does well then she will do more things well. Although to be fair she is NOT the problem and as you say is a normal 12 year old.

Yep, told him countless times - and for the little ones too. The problem is definitely him and not the kids. So now I have to be a psychologist and cure him! This whole situation really shows how important it is to be brought up with love and cuddles. Look how one generation affects another - and lets face it todays parenting has a lot to be desired as well. My DP is always going on about how when he was a kid they had respect for elders and things are out of control today. But what he has to understand is that being nice and loving your children does not spoil them or make them turn out disrespectful - its like he feels that if he's too soft then the children will go off the rails - it is the opposite if you ask me.....

I think your daughter sounds a very normal 12 yr old! She SHOULDN'T be watching the baby...she should be enjoying her free time while she is still young and what pre-teen doesn't love their games console and their friends? My cousin who is 12 in September is obsessed with her friends, playing out with them and writing about them all in her diary!

Your DP is the adult here. It's up to him to accept your daughter and her personality for who she is.

Love2laugh, firstly, congrats on your coming wedding - and I too think you sound like a great parent - and partner, too, since you seem to show great insight into the situation.

I think it's possibly a combination of your dp being a bit jealous/threatened by your obviously close relationship with dd - especially as you and she were alone together for several years before he met you, and as she has no relationship with her father. Also, as you've said, your dp never learned to be the sort of modern, affectionate father we now expect. His pattern was a disciplinarian, Victorian type. He needs to unlearn this pattern, and you sound as if you're willing to help him do this.

As for your dd, she sounds great! Perfectly normal, very well adjusted, and she shows such maturity in her attitude to your dp. Given this, I'm sure it'll do no harm to explain to her that he might seem hypercritical and unresponsive, but that it's not her fault, but that of his upbringing. It would be terrible for all of you if you let this split you up.

I had a reverse situation when my exh and I split - dd was 10 and understood that my current dp was involved. She absolutely hated him and me with all the anger and pain that a 10 year old has - as she understood what had happened, but not the reasons behind it. It took a great deal of patience and love - and time - to win her round, and dp and I spoke to an excellent family counsellor who supported us (she wouldn't speak to anyone). Now she's 15 and we're living together, and like your dd, she and I are able to talk quite frankly about those years. She said her biggest fear was that I was putting dp first. She no longer feels that and even defends him to my exMIL who's very curious about him and asks her questions that she really shouldn't.

Meanwhile dp admires my relationship with dd, though he occasionally admits to feeling a bit jealous and afraid that I put her first. Luckily he also understands that this isn't reasonable of him, and after all, HE is the adult. But it takes working at .

Hope things go better with you - I really think, from what you've described, that dd and your dh-to-be will be ok in the long run.

im totally new to this but here goes, your partner seems to have a very negative attitude. Do you think he may be suffering with depression?

Oh I am sorry for you. Your daughter's behaviours sound normal. It's good that she has one loving parent.

Mystified by the sentence "He was also bought up in a house with lots of sisters who had to clean and scrub from a very young age". Does that mean that he didn't? What are his attitudes to women like generally?

I think you should go for some form of relationship counselling. I know one toxic step parent who literally ruined a lovely, intelligent, loving caring little boy's life. Please take action to help your DP come to terms with his jealousy.

She sounds a lovely little girl. Hugs. xx