Fiancé on Father's Day 😢

[Ella1980]

I'm after some advice really if anyone is in a similar situation? My fiancé won't talk about how he's feeling...

I have two boys age 9 and 11 who live with us half of the time and with their dad the other half. This week they were with their dad.

My fiancé is fab with my kids and deals very well with my bullying ex-husband (still angry I left him 6 years on). When fiancé met me I could tell he was genuinely happy that they were a part of the package.

Fiancé has always wanted his own children but unfortunately his ex-wife (who is lovely) wasn't able to carry. He also lost a baby with a long-term partner.

He knew that when he met me it was unlikely I would have any more children. I am now 38 and we simply can't afford it. He has come to terms with this although it's sad for both of us.

Today I gave him a little gift from the boys but he found it difficult to accept it I think because a) They weren't there b) He's not really their dad.

I think he feels sad-he's been quiet all day but he won't open up. I guess he feels what's the point of being sad about something you can't change?

Anybody any words of wisdom?

Maybe he felt like you were rubbing it in that they aren't his children and that you for your reasons do not want any additional children. Which is fair enough.

I wouldn't pry or push it on him. I would leave it down to your boys to decide whether they want to or not. Don't do it for them or when they are not there.

I feel sorry for him, must of made him feel really awkward.

It was just a little thank you for all he does. It wouldn't have been right I don't think not to even acknowledge it. It's not a case of "I don't want any more children", it's just not possible due to my age and the fact we are both low earners. It makes me feel sad too.

I think you did the right thing, acknowledging him as a father figure in their lives. It takes more than sperm to be a dad. Consider that maybe he feels mixed emotions, on one hand really appreciating the recognition and on the other some regret that he isn’t able to have a child with you. Perhaps it would’ve been better to have your ds give him the gift, maybe an idea for next year? Even if that means giving it early. It would likely feel more genuine that way.

@sergeilavrov Thank you for your advice, much appreciated. It's just a bit of a rubbish situation. I know he'll find it difficult when ex-husband's gf decides to have babies too (she's only 26 so plenty of time and no money issues as ex is wealthy).

I just wish we'd have met sooner!

I know this will sound harsh but he should find someone who wants a baby with him if it’s making him this miserable to receive a thank you Father’s Day card.

This relationship is a time bomb. He will only get older and more unhappy about not being able to ever have children. It’s a big ask of someone. If a woman on here posted saying she wanted children but her partner didn’t as he had two with his ex everyone would be telling her to leave and find someone who wants kids.

I can see you mean it with the best intent but reading this thread again maybe you're projecting your feelings on him, especially the guilt that you are not in a good place to have any additional children.

I really do think that future Father's Day gifts should come from your children and not you. I do think it's nice for you to show appreciation for what he does for the family but it doesn't necessarily need to be on Father's Day.

I know you've posted about this before and your conflict about no more children.

If he is happy with you and this decision is one he is happy with, don't dwell on it any more.

He doesn't need any reminders he won't have his own children.

Trust me I know how he feels. My husband has two children and one has complex learning disabilities. I have accepted that there is a strong possibility I will not have children of my own due to putting them first. And whilst I appreciate my dsd giving me a step mother card on mother's day, I would be unhappy if my dh gave me gifts independently to her because to me that would feel like emphasis that they are not my children.

@Hithere12 I think you've misunderstood. In an ideal world we would have a child together. But we both know we can't. He knew this very early on in our relationship and said he would rather have what he does with me and the boys than anything else. Having a bio child isn't the be all an end all at the sacrifice of a good relationship. He was 42 when we met so knew that bio children was unlikely to be on the cards. We are both low earners and not in a place to ever afford it.