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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Fathers Day

25 replies

Cajann · 16/06/2019 18:52

I just wanted to write here because I don't know if I'm in the wrong. This hasn't caused any sort of argument but it was acknowledged by my partner and he seemed a bit upset.

Today is Fathers Day. My partner has an 8yo son from a precious relationship. His Mum doesn't do Xmas, birthdays or Fathers Day pressies for my partner, her sons Daddy. This has been left to me for the past 4 years.

For the past 5 years, I have taken on the motherly role in our household. Cooked, cleaned, washing, life lessons etc. A lot of time, effort and money. So my partner sometimes gets me a small acknowledgement on Mothers Day (from him, not his son, which I think is the right thing as I am not his sons Mum). And then sometimes he doesn't. This year, he didn't. He said I'm not his childs Mum and not a mother, so I dont get. This is fine and totally understandable, even though it kind of hurts after everything I do.

So this year, I decided that as I'm not his childs Mum, I don't need to sort Fathers Day presents.

Is this wrong of me?

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Anuta77 · 16/06/2019 19:32

Well, if he put it like this, I wouldn't do it either.

My DP sometimes tells me that I did nothing for his kids, when I took care of his daughter (she was about 8 when I met her). He says that whatever I did whether it's reading books, taking them to activities, cooking (when my son is rarely hungry), giving her gifts, giving her meds if she was sick/pain with her period, dressing her in winter (we're in Canada) when she would come underdressed..... I did it for my son (almost the same age), so as she was there, she joined us. It's not like I did something special just for her. Of course, I don't deserve any mother's day acknoledment from her, but since I'm a mother in general, he gives me a gift, just like he does to his 2 exes, mothers of his children.

burnyburny · 16/06/2019 19:45

You have taken on the motherly role, because you wanted to or because you felt you should, not, I presume, because your DP forced you to or for Mothers Day gifts.

So in that respect, your choice to do those things, his choice whether or not to acknowledge it. Although I think it's pretty mean to acknowledge it some years and not others.

However, likewise, his kid. His choice to have that child and be whatever type of parent he sees fit. So no, not up to you to thank him for fulfilling a duty he took on before he even knew you.

user1493413286 · 16/06/2019 19:51

Hmm it’s not a nice way of putting it and I’d probably have responded the same. My DH has never gotten me anything for Mother’s Day while I’ve always helped DSD get him a card and present; however if he said what your partner said I’d be hurt too.

burnyburny · 16/06/2019 19:54

Having said that... 👀 Was his DC able to make a card at school or did he have anyone to help him with arranging one of the mum definitely wouldn't? I would feel bad for his little boy if he knew it was Fathers Day and had no way of acknowledging it.

Two separate issues, perhaps. But that would bother me more than acknowledging it for your DP's sake.

Ginger1982 · 16/06/2019 20:09

What a mean way to put it! Maybe you should ask him how time spent with his son would go if you didn't do all the things you do. I wouldn't be able to not have an argument about this, but then that's just me.

No, YANBU to do nothing for Father's Day. Did he say anything?

Anuta77 · 16/06/2019 20:51

Did you ask him why this change?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/06/2019 21:04

Has he noticed or asked about you not bothering this year?

I’d have a think about your role in the family and whether you’re happy to carry on doing everything you do for your partner and his son. It’s making your partner’s life easier as if you weren’t there he’d have to do it all and your DSS might wish it was his dad looking after him more. What you describe as motherly could be seen as drudgery, don’t be sucked into thinking you need to do the shit work to be a good step parent. You can enjoy time with your DSS without sorting cooking and cleaning and homework. Keep in mind it’s his dad’s job and you’re a bonus adult. If you’re not feeling appreciated then dial it back.

Original poster

Cajann · 16/06/2019 21:05

I don't think he meant it in a way to hurt me. I think it's just how he feels. I think he knows I would love some sort of acknowledgement on Mothers Day, which is why he sometimes got me a gift. But at the same time, he doesnt feel that it is the appropriate thing to do.

When he brought the issue up today of not getting a gift for Fathers Day and I explained my reasons, he said that the situation of Fathers Day is different from Mothers Day. Because he actually is a Daddy and I'm not a Mummy. I just brushed it off. Then he brought the day to his sons attention. His son mentioned it to me a couple of times today, "Do you know what day it is?" Type of thing. I just acknowledged that I knew what day it was and moved on.

OP posts:

burnyburny · 16/06/2019 21:21

Because he actually is a Daddy and I'm not a Mummy.

So he shouldn't have any issue with you taking a step back from doing the parenting that he should be doing.

Then he brought the day to his sons attention. His son mentioned it to me a couple of times today, "Do you know what day it is?" Type of thing. I just acknowledged that I knew what day it was and moved on.

Did he bring it to his sons attention as a way of making you feel guilty? Because if so, that's pretty unforgivable in my opinion.

Ginger1982 · 16/06/2019 21:22

Again, if you're not his child's mum why should things traditionally done by a 'mum' be down to you? If I were you I probably would continue to do it because, like you, I'm a decent person but I think you made your point today.

Anuta77 · 16/06/2019 21:41

People give gifts for no reason, so how is it inappropriate to give you a token of appreciation? He sounds immature. I think you're doing the right thing.

I also took a step back. Yesterday, I went to do some errands and he insistingly asked when I was coming back because his daughter was hungry and I promised to make pizza. Well, me and my son were not hungry and I needed to go out, so I did what I had to do. Before, I would have rushed to feed his daughter....

itsrainingagain19 · 16/06/2019 22:36

My dp bought me flowers today, I told him it's Father's Day not Mother's Day,
He said it was a thank you for all I do all the time.
Giving a token of love and thanks isn't bloody hard! And you dp my well be a DAD but not to your child. He's an arse!

DizzySue · 16/06/2019 22:45

You both sound a bit unkind tbh.

TwoPonyTony · 16/06/2019 23:02

He wants his cake and to eat it to. You're either acknowledged as a parent with all the rights and responsibilities or not. Hold your ground OP. Mother's includes bloody stepmothers! He's letting you know you aren't valued. I'd be thinking long and hard about my relationship.

Laurajjj · 16/06/2019 23:04

Oh dear, this sort of silly behaviour could turn into a slippery slope. I would rised above him and done the father's day thing personally.

Stepmoose · 17/06/2019 06:34

That's a hard one. I think if he had never got you anytbing for Mother's Day it would be better. My dh never got me anything from his ds even though I was very active in looking after him. I never minded or expected anything. Perhaps be sees it at unfair to his ex to paint you in this way to their child (i'm not saying I 100% agree). Does he show he appreciates you at other times?

I think I would still get him a Father's Day present even in your situation, for the sake of you dss. At that ages, children feel like a present bought by an adult is really from them and are quite proud of what "they've" bought. He might be fretting that he hasn't got his Dad anything, which is quite sad.

Chucklecheeks1 · 17/06/2019 08:13

It isnt about you or him. Instead of a tit for tat think of you DSS and help him get presents for his dad. Be the adult and set an example. My Exh has never assisted the kids in getting me presents. He refused to give DD a pound for some tulips as 'i get all his money in maintenance'.

It wont stop me ensuring they have presents for him as thats what people who care do. It sets a good example.

Original poster

Cajann · 17/06/2019 08:51

He just says that as a stepmum it is my job to do the motherly things and that I'm not supposed to get thanks for it. Mothers Day is for the Mummy. (This was his thoughts on it last year). I dont get much appreciation for being a stepmum. But I am fairly appreciated as a girlfriend, in my opinion.

OP posts:

burnyburny · 17/06/2019 09:29

He just says that as a stepmum it is my job to do the motherly things and that I'm not supposed to get thanks for it.

Did he actually say that?? What exactly is it that a mother can do that he as a father can't?

I think I'd honestly walk for that attitude.

Spanglyprincess1 · 17/06/2019 10:29

I got dp father's day presents form the children and when he said thank you. I very pointedly said that if he didn't make the same effort on mother day (we have a child together) then I wouldn't be doing it next year.
It was my first mother's day and he barely bothered apart from a last minute panic card from the petrol station opossite our house.
I would tell his ex your not doing anything form now on and it's up to her. Or alternatively dp can take the child somewhere like a playgroup where they make cards on fathers day, loads of places do this.

itsrainingagain19 · 17/06/2019 10:36

The more you say about him the more it's not going hat stepmums to its more what he is expects women to do. He sounds like an arse to be honest.
Plus there is a home heap of cards for stepparents, fun and serious.

HeckyPeck · 17/06/2019 15:27

He just says that as a stepmum it is my job to do the motherly things and that I'm not supposed to get thanks for it.

He’s being ridiculous.

Cooking, cleaning, washing, life lessons etc are not mother’s work. It’s basic parenting.

What does he actually do for his child?

I would be taking a big step back and let him bring an actual parent to his child. I’d use the time I saved to decide if I want to spend my life with someone with such sexist, ungrateful views.

Ginger1982 · 17/06/2019 17:28

He's a prick. What a thing to say!

SandyY2K · 18/06/2019 16:20

as a stepmum it is my job to do the motherly things and that I'm not supposed to get thanks for it
What do you get out of this relationship?

Because it's definitely not appreciation or gratitude.

If that was said to me, it would be my signal to end the relationship.

In all honesty...if a stepmother is doing all the mum things, she should get appreciation (which doesn't have to be a MD card) ..because she doesn't have to do it. He should appreciate what you do. It doesn't sound like he values you very much at all.

Its not her parental responsibility.

pikapikachu · 22/06/2019 14:19

Even card manufacturers have caught onto the fact that there's lots of women who mother even though they aren't one themselves. Card Factory had Mother's Day cards for aunts, grandmothers, stepmothers, foster mothers... It's called MOTHERING Sunday in the UK and it sounds like you are doing a great job mothering.

He just says that as a stepmum it is my job to do the motherly things and that I'm not supposed to get thanks for it. He has no respect for you. Of course it's normal to thank people (never mind a partner) for making parenting easier, educating my child and do the boring bits in between. Fucking unacceptable for him to say this to you.

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