Social Services asked this...

[nzs2019]

My partners son was taken away from his mother by social services due to her abusive partner. She was pregnant at the time with his and her partners child.
We've been fighting through courts for his son for months now and we finally have had the good news he will be coming to live with us. I've grown to love the little boy to pieces like my own and so happy he will be living with us full time..
However his mother had another child late last year which was taken away from her. Social services recently out of the blue asked us if we will care for her new child and have not really let it go. The child will go up for adoption otherwise.
The only thing holding us on to the thought is the fact is SS sibling.
Just want to know what someone else would do in this situation?

This is completely normal to be asked as in order to get approval for the child to be adopted, the social worker would need to prove that there is absolutely no one else who can care for the child and this includes parents of half siblings.
I advise you to think very realistically about this. Could you manage financially? Could you and your partner raise this child and promote the relationships with the child's mother and father? Eventually you would be expected to do this without social cares assistance.

I am a SW. It is normal to ask this. They would prefer children to stay with siblings if possible and are giving you the option. You need to be realistic. No-one can tell you what to do. You need to consider if you would be able to take on this child and all it entails. Don't feel bad if you can't. Honesty is always best.

My dh ex had a baby last year and social services have successfully taken her to court to have the child taken away.

My dh and I were offered this child as we have his two children with her with us full time with supervised contact for her facilitated by us.

We said no because of numerous reasons. Such as one day we hoped to have a child together if finances and circumstance allow, my dss has learning disabilities which would at the present not be in his or a infants best interests for us to care for them both adequately and most significantly we felt that regardless of the fact that we have the child's siblings in our care that we have no biological link to the child. The father of this child has been abusive to us in the past and we didn't feel we could facilitate contact for this child and its family.

The child has been adopted now and for a long time I felt guilty but in the long run I think I put the children's best interests at heart.
I am sure there will be another child one day from my dh ex and maybe then I might feel differently and be in circumstances which would be more suitable to seriously consider taking care of another of her children.

Please think long and hard about what's best for the child you have in your care and the future plans you have for your family. I know how hard this is, truly.

DH and I talked about this once (think we’d seen it on tv) and we said that we would as we wouldn’t want to see DSDs sibling be adopted and her never see them again. In reality it would depend on finances and practicality unfortunately as well as how much contact we’d have to have with the abusive partner.

It’s normal to be asked this. But think long and hard about the decision.

If you don’t have children together I think you need to think carefully about if you want them and if you could manage. I don’t think I could compromise on having my own children especially as it’s likely the baby would have ongoing contact with its mum as I imagine your step child will.

Also would like to add that we have requested letterbox contact for my dsd to keep in contact with her half sister as much as can be possible in the circumstances. The social worker was fairly positive about this going forward.

Something to consider is that she may not stop having babies. If you take on this little one and she goes on to have another, and another, and another, where will you draw the line?

I would think seriously about this, it may seem the right thing to do for the baby and your dss but is it the right thing for you, your dh and the family as a whole. I know I couldn't do it, I don't think i could adopt any child. I hope to have my own, sounds selfish i know but i know in my heart that i what i want. Your situation is completely different to mine as you have your skids full time, where as my skids are here about a third of the time. To go full time it would change everything and to add another child wouldn't be in the best interests and everyone else.

Ouch I dont think I could let a child go into care but it's not for everyone

This happened to a friend of mine. She adopted her brothers child for similar reasons then the wife had another baby and she adopted her too.

It worked out well for them as they have a lovely bond but wow she is hardy as she already had two of her own kids. She's given them a wonderful life though.

That's exactly my thoughts. Dss has such a loving bond with his sibling and we don't want to see the child go up for adoption. Even though we know that the child will have a good life, it will be without their brother. It's his only sibling at the minute. Me and dp do want children of our own aswell.

@HolidayHelper I know what your saying, she is the sort to keep having children aswell knowing she won't keep them, however we wouldn't do it again. Only reason we are considering this child is because dss is living with sibling currently and has done since baby was born, we've seen for ourselves their lovely bond. If she had anymore we would make it clear to social services we wouldn't take on another, and then it's in their hands whether they promote contact. When he comes to us we are worried we are ripping that away from him, will he hate us in the future? Is what we keep questioning ourselves 😫

This is tough. I don’t think I could see him go into care.
So difficult.

I think going on your last bond I would agree to take the other baby on too but make it clear no more, the fact they have a bond already changes perspective

Last post sorry

There is no right or wrong answer.

My son is adopted (in family adoption), he has two older half siblings and from what I have heard there is another half sibling on the way.

I was very much persuaded to take him on, I really didn’t want to, but there were fairly significant cultural pressures and guilt. Taking him on for me meant moving home, moving jobs and leaving a much loved partner. Sometimes it’s worth losing those things, sometimes it isn’t!

Taking on a traumatised child is hard, a child with attachment difficulties will always be challenging, you have to be completely honest when you ask yourself if you want a child with additional needs.

The fact that SS thought I was suitable is mind boggling!

Just remember once you take them on you really cannot change your mind. There are times when I would give my son back if I knew it wouldn’t screw him up, but there are also lots of times when I most definitely wouldn’t give him back.

I know I have waffled lots, but please don’t let other peoples views or expectations impact on your choice as an individual.

Reading this was like dejavu, but I just checked and there was a similar thread
recently.

Consider how this will affect your relationship, your career and your day to day life. This is life changing...consider yourself...not just your DPs child.

Consider that you may split up in the future...how would you feel then having your Ex DPs, Exs child probably for more than 50% of the time?

I personally couldn't do it.

As a baby, the child will be really sought after for adoption, so unlikely to be in care for long. There could be families desperately waiting for the baby, as he/she matches their profile.

If you think you want to do it, find out what financial support SS can provide.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3587024-SCs-mums-baby-has-been-taken-by-social-services-Advice-pleas

Yeah that was my thread.
I'm more than happy to talk privately if you need a sympathetic ear.
I really do understand the turmoil you're going through

I would without hesitation. I can't imagine telling the existing child we let their sibling get adopted elsewhere. I'd not personally live with the guilt.

It would be hard as unexpected but I don't feel we'd have a choice,

Ah sorry, I misread! I thought you already had custody of your stepson and his biological mother had just had another baby, I didn't realise they'd been living together. In that case I would without question take the baby too. I know it's a sacrifice but if they already have a bond it would be cruel to break it.