Re: Not a real step parent

[Restorergirl]

Long term partner's 17 yr old son, admits to his dad that he doesn't like me, but 'puts up' with me. Ex-wife verbally attacks me and calls me names and tells lies about me and my family (she's never met them) in public. 17 yr old verbally is abusive and speaks to me in a hostile way every time I try to speak. Constantly interrupts me in mid-sentance, stopping me speaking and laughs in my face when I burst into tears. He lives with us, but runs away to his mother's house whenever he gets told off by my partner - acting like a 7 year old when he's told off.
I am 60, have nursed my late husband through 12 years of illness, until he passed away 7 years' ago and now a 17 yr old is bringing me to my knees and I've had 3 breakdowns.
Same problem for years, but very much worse since he left school without qualifications last year - has had 4 jobs, all of which he's chucked in and has no interest in taking his driving test, although we managed to get him to fill in the provisional licence form - when the licence card arrived, he just handed it straight to his dad and had no interest in it whatsoever. Therefore, finding a job isn't easy, but he shows no interest in doing that either.
Now I am scared to open my mouth to talk to him, due to his hostility and he tells lies to us, trying to get me into trouble with his dad (which doesn't happen, as neither dad nor I are stupid enough to believe his lies and behaviour). No consequences work, nor withdrawal of priveledges. Threatened to break into the house whilst we were away (we cannot trust him to stay in our house when we're away, so he stays at his mum's, but despite closed gates and locked doors he can still break into the house and the workshop).
Mother doesn't care, normally away with boyfriends, doesn't work and slobs around herself and doesn't back us up, but wants me to move out, because she is jealous and bitter even after being divorced from my boyfriend for 15 years. She and her son have a vendetta against me to get me out.
At (a young?) 60 years of age, I am too old to cope with this and feel I should just jack it all in. AGAIN.

I'd think about leaving. Since your partner seems OK with this twat living with you, I'd be reluctant to stay with him. You say that DP tells his son off, but does he actually do anything about these behaviours ? Life is too short for this sort of crap, OP. You'd be better off on your own than living like this. Best wishes to you.

Hideous little shit , ultimatum time- tell your partner to move him back to his mother or you'll leave. Anything has to be better than living like this

Mother called Soc Serv last year, totally blowing dad/son arguement out of all proportion. Partner now too afraid to do too much disciplining in case son reports him to SS.
Is 18 in 4 months and partner says that if behaviour continues after then, he will seriously think about kicking him out to his mum's permanently. But, he will keep coming back here to use the workshop/tractors etc or when he wants dad for something. He uses his dad for stuff - the only reason he wants to be at our house.

He's making us both ill and constant 'family' talks just result in son being told things he doesn't want to hear, getting in a mood, turning on us and then walking out in the middle of discussions anyway. He will not listen or have an adult conversation about things he doesn't want to hear.
I don't want to start again and be on my own, I don't cope on my own. And why should I leave everything anyway?

Partner keeps wanting to turn his son around, but lives in the hope that things will get better.
Mother comes from a family of male chauvenists, treat women like dirt, walk over anybody (family or not), selfish in the extreme and totally arrogant. Her father and brother are both like that, grandfather too.
She too selfish for herself, to bother what her son grows up like, even though she herself calls her father horrible.
I think that because half his genes are from this genre, it's now too late to change his character at this age???

You have to choose between staying with your partner or not. Either you can cope with his son or cope alone. Whichever is best for you.
His son is never going to go away.

Time to sell house and move away?

Do you think it might be a good idea to live separately from your partner for a while to protect your own mental health? You don’t have to split from your partner but then you don’t have to spend time with his son and live this way

Why would you choose to carry on like this?

You seem to have painted the mum as the devil and your partner as some hapless bystander unable to affect anything. He's an equal parent and just as responsible for the behaviour of his son as the mum is.

I just can't see why you would want this for your life. Starting again is scary, but is it really worse than having this boy around for the rest of your life? Imagine what kind of partner he will attract in the future and the behaviour of potential grandchildren he'd have! That would be enough to make most people run for the hills.

This to me sounds a living nightmare.

Is your partner open to reason on this? Afraid of social services when the boy is about to turn 18? Ridiculous!

If your partner is up for kicking him out (and changing the locks) I would stay. If not, I would leave.

I know you don’t want to be alone but you can remain in a relationship. So it’s not ‘alone’.

If you nursed your late husband through all that - surely you realise life is way to short for this.

You have a choice in this. You can start again and have a happy new start. This boy will always be a massive part of your life if you stay and he seems malicious and unkind.
Is there a chance to move out and see your partner still? Is this behaviour about inheritance? Seems callous but possible.

Move out and SS will have won.
Go no contact and just refuse to engage with him. Don’t cook or do washing for him.
He talks to you, ‘ask/tell your father’.
Have his DD let him know that at 18 he is out and not coming back until he can treat everyone with respect.
He will either kick off and SS will be involved again or he will see reason.
Either way he needs to know there are consequences for his actions.

I think you have a partner issue, if he cannot stand up to his son and ex wife then how do you think this behaviour will change? There doesn't seem to be any consequences for the terrible way both of them treat you.

One of the issues is you not being prepared to live alone.

Are you the first relationship his dad has had since the divorce?

Was he like this to the others?

You need to decide if you're willing to accept his behaviour or look after your mental health.

It's not in everyone's nature to assert themselves and I suspect if you did, your DP wouldn't back you up.

Who owns the house?

They came in for their tea just now and partner washed his oily hands in the sink in the porch (which is what everyone is supposed to do). Son sat down in the dining room to start eating his tea. I asked him if he'd washed his hands and he showed me them and said they 'weren't too bad'. They were as black as the ace of spades. I said they're filthy go and wash them. He held them up and said to his dad 'they're not too bad are they dad?' (playing me as the wicked witch). His dad replied that they were in fact filthy, then son said 'well I'm going back out again anyway' and continued to eat his tea. I walked out of the room and am in office typing this.
Completely disregarding me again and asking his dad to back him up against my words. Again. I cannot open my mouth to speak or ask him anything, so that's it, I shall stop speaking from now on and see how frosty this awful situation gets.

OP you have a DP problem.

Either you out up with his son treating you like shit or you do something. There are suggestions by PP if what you can do.

You either need to get some strength together and stand up to dickhead step son or leave.

My brother was a lot like your SS, a spoilt and pandered to little brat who used to throw actual tantrums and reported my DH to social services with 100% made up stories. We were his carers (no parents) and we just stopped interacting with him like that. I treated him like a housemate with the absolute minimum interaction.

Sorry, what's DP, OP and PP?
The house is partner's house bought from his grandad years' ago. I helped finance the restoration of it and 50/50 mortgage payments (every other year I put funds into the mortgage a/c).

Partner divorced 15 years' ago and has had 3 relationships since (not counting me and I've been around the longest - 6+ years). All of the previous girlfriends have been treated in much the same contemptious/jealous way, however, none of them have been around during his son's teenage years, where the other side of his character make-up is coming to the fore. Yesterday I stayed out all day and when I returned 'home', they were in full scale arguement again (nearly every day it happens), but yesterday I went and looked at a house in a nearby town. I was out again all day today, returned to the same thing - another arguement ensuing with partner and son. Mostly these days, the arguements aren't with me, but between partner and son. Like I said, I don't speak much any more, because I get talked over and shouted at, so I do say the barest minimum, which in turn makes for a frosty atmosphere in our supposed 'home' environment. Then partner gets cross cos the atmosphere isn't right etc etc etc.

We are supposed to be out at a concert tomorrow evening, but partner said he'll be worrying about what state he'll find the yard in when we return later in the evening. And we've got a 60th birthday party to attend on Saturday evening. I said that I'd rather not go to either cos we're both going to get wound up during those evenings wondering what we're going to find on our return. What a state to be in. I suggested he go to his mum's for both nights, but he keeps promising 'not to do things' on these occasions as has happened in the past - we return to a yard full of discarded machinery and tools and mess (instead of clearing up after himself). Partner then has to go outside and have a row about 'clearing up the mess', which means that he is out there for the rest of the night, coming in late and spoiling what could or was a decent night out. Then he's wound up when he comes in - falls asleep exhausted by it all and I'm end up wide awake and wound up too and getting up and going into spare room to read etc until the late hours of the morning ie. 3 or 4am. We are too scared to go out and we are too scared to return.

After much much much research, I think he's bordering on being narcissistic. All the signs are there, they really are. He displays all of the symptoms.
Please don't advise seeing a GP, that's an real non-occurance.

Please tell me that you have your name on the house deeds either as joint tenants or tenants in common if you have been pumping lots of money into the house!

Honestly OP is it worth it? I'd be seriously considering leaving.

I'm of the belief that at this sort of age, children's feelings should not always come first.

There is no way I'd be sitting by quietly and letting my 17 year old child treat someone I love that way. They might be my child, they might always be around but they are old enough to not act so despicably and I would not tolerate it.

Why is your OH so concerned about SS? His son is nearly 18 for goodness sake.

There's only so long you can use the 'he's only a child' excuse for and 17 is way past it.

I do not have my name on anything, but we have legal documents within partner's Will, stating that he has given me the right to stay in the house for up to 2 years at least, if I want to find another place to live afterwards. His family members are aware of this, so I can't get thrown out.
Partner thinks this behaviour is still part of being a teenager and hopes that in maybe 4 years, by the age of 22, his son will have outgrown this behaviour. I will be 64 by then, where's my life gone?

Stop paying towards the mortgage! Sounds like you’ll end up with nothing.

And as for PP saying the son has ‘won’ if you move out, NO, you will have won. Do you want to spend your life like this? You should be enjoying yourself, or worrying about what this child is doing or putting up with his disrespect.

so you don't get any money back that you've invested in the house/mortgage, you're just 'allowed' to stay for 2 years til you sort yourself out?
You're barely tolerated at the minute - just how comfortable will it be for the those '2 years' post breakup?
Plus he can change his will at anytime and without telling you.

He's taking you for a fool.
He's also taking your money and will be giving it straight to his kids via inheritance.
what do/will you have to show for your time together?
what do you get out of this?