What would you do

[JuniperIV]

I think I’ve name changed for this - worried it might be a bit outing, but I’m genuinely not sure what to do and would be interested to hear how others would handle this.

We currently live in a tiny three bed house, with two okay sized bedrooms and one absolutely tiny box room. My partner’s two boys (13 and 19) shared one of the okay sized rooms in bunk beds until about four years ago when the older one moved into the box room.

The younger one stayed in the okay sized room with a bunk bed with a desk underneath - this is where he spends most of his time! Either in the bed or on his PC under the bed. The older one has a single bed in the box room and his overnight visits tailed off as he has got older. He’s now away at uni and when he comes home spends a lot of time at his mum’s or at his girlfriend’s. If he does stay, he tends to use the double sofa bed in the living room with his girlfriend.

The younger son is here four nights a week (two week nights, and it used to be all day Saturday through to Monday but as he’s also got older it now tends to be late Saturday afternoon through to Monday).

We have a baby girl who is currently in with us and will be for a while yet, and we’ve just bought a project house which will be ready to move into at the end of the year.

The house has a loft bedroom (for us), two large bedrooms and one ‘box’ room, which is much bigger than the box room here but still only has enough space for a single bed.

Originally my partner and I just agreed that the baby one would have one of the big rooms as she’s there 24/7 and somehow has a lot of stuff (which currently takes over our whole room, and her toys are just stacked over and under the table at the moment in our living/dining room).

However both boys are now arguing they should each have a big bedroom and the baby should have the box room. My partner is keen for the 19 year old to have a big room so we can also use it as a guest room. I think that’s fine, and that the 13 year old could use the box room as he only uses his room for gaming and sleeping, and he’s had the bigger bedroom out of him and his brother for some years now, but then neither of them are a fan of this idea.

From my point of view, it seems a bit pointless to move for more spacious bedrooms and then have one occupied only on occasional visits and the other occupied around 50% of the time, whilst the child who is there all the time, has more toys and books and ‘plays’ more is in the smallest room.

We’ve shelved the discussion for now, but I was curious about how people in a similar situation would handle it, as I’ve had very mixed opinions from my friends, but none of them have step children to consider.

Sorry if it’s an essay but I wanted to give full context! We’ll also have more downstairs space too - but my partner is very keen for us not to have baby paraphernalia all over the living space, which is what we currently have!

Also - should clarify, there will be a gate on baby’s room and on the stairs and she’s turning out to be a pretty solid sleeper! If she was restless or a tiny Houdini we’d swap it around but when she’s out, she’s out. My sister and I spent our whole childhoods on a different floor to my parents in a much more spread out house and I’m not really worried about that.

It’s awkward and it’s hard to convey properly but in such a small house, we often have teens all over the small living room (which is also the dining room), and my partner and I end up cooped up in our bedroom (especially in the evenings of any holiday as the older one will often come by with his friends or girlfriend, even if he’s not staying) being quiet because of the baby.

So when we designed this house my partner designed the spacious loft room for me so I can also have my desk in there (I’m a freelancer who works from home a lot) and I’m relishing having my own place to escape to as well, that’s not a cluttered room where you have to climb over the bed to get to the wardrobe - it’s whats been keeping me sane the past few months!

And - with regards to a guest room, we live over two hours away from both sets of family so quite frequently have visitors. I’d say my family have slept here more than the 19 year old so far this year, and he’s off travelling Asia for much of this summer.

I’m now considering baby in one big room with a fold out bed (good for any restless night shifts and we can bunk in there if we have guests, giving them our room) and then letting the boys duel it out and come to a conclusion over the other rooms. I reckon even if we did put 13 year old in the small room and put another double in the big one, he’d just sleep in there anyway! So maybe that happens and he just shifts back into the other room when his brother stays.

We have a 3 bedroom house and SD who comes EOW has ''her''. The older SS (16 and 19) don't have "their" rooms as they come rarely, but we arranged that when one of them comes, it's on a different weekend than the SD, so "her" room is actually the guest room where all the stepchildren sleep. So if your older SS will rarely be there, I would give the bigger room to the 13 y.o. and on rare occasions where the oldest comes, he takes the smallest room or even shares with his brother (one night can not kill them).
Obviously, your DD should have her room as she's there full time. I say this, but my 20 month old is still in our bedroom as I'm not sure where to put him yet LOL.

I'd give your daughter a big room, the younger stepson a big room, and keep the boxroom for oldest/guests. I'm assuming you will have your younger stepson more frequently than you have guests?

I would prioritise the two who are there the most so the baby and younger boy. Just because the 19 year old has a girlfriend doesn't mean he gets a bigger room. He's an adult and can get a place of his own. The younger boy may feel pushed out and as he's there every week he should get the bigger room. Put a sofa bed in single room for guests ( of which eldest boy is one).

DD gets a big room.
13YO gets a big room.

19YO sucks it the fuck up in the box room on the odd occasion that he visits. Cheeky sod.

Don't make the 13 to move out for his brother! He will feel bottom of the pile!

I have to say the more I think about it the more I wonder why the 19 year old having his gf to stay is such a bit priority! They might not even stay together at this age or he may get his own place after uni. It would be much different if he lived there all the time. He really can't be stayed that often between uni and staying at his gf's, or dm's.

I think it would be really unfair on the younger dss to be given a box room or even be chucked out of his bigger room whilst his older brother Lords it up. In my 20s, I shared a single bed when I stayed with mt bf.

I think it would be reasonable for the younger boy to move out if you need a double room for other family guests. The chances are they would be there for atleast one of the three days that he isn't there anyway, and I was expected to give up my room for guests as a child so I don't think that would be unreasonable.

The people who live there most are the priority.

Yep - can't understand why the 19yr is being given priority when a) he's at uni & b) it's not even his primary residence!
Two larger rooms for your dd & your 13 yo dss who shouldn't have to make way for his brother who doesn't even really live there.

My middle SS who comes once every 2 or 3 months once complained that he didn't have a room in our house, but his father didn't really pay attention because it's obvious why (but just in case, I explained that it's because he wasn't here often enough), so probably the oldest one says it just like that, but you really don't need to worry about it.

I think while the baby is just a baby, the box room should be fine. Although when they hit 3 or 4 years of age, they should have the bigger room. As they will need more space for toys etc.

@Cajann no way! Babies take up waaayyyy more room with their stuff than a young adult. And she’s there 100% of the time.
The 19yr old is an occasional visitor, it’s insane to give the bigger room to him

I'm just going by the plan that I have for when I have a little one. My ss is 8 at the minute and my partner and I plan to have a child in the next few years if all goes well. I just think, why kick my stepson out of the bigger room before my baby would need the space. But then again, I might get my eyes opened on that one haha

Trust me, babies have soooo much more stuff than older kids, and their toys are much much bigger.
@Cajann your situation is different, it’s a bit more contentious to remove a stepchild from their already established bedroom for a new arrival. You risk making the SC feel pushed out and not as important as the new baby.
The OP’s situation is totally different, they’re moving to a new house and the step”child” in question is a young adult who rarely stays over. It would be utter madness to give him a larger room than a young child who actually lives there and needs the space

There is nothing wrong with having your baby on another floor. She's already said she has a monitor ffs.

You have the top floor- you deserve it. And baby absolutely needs the next biggest room ( to house the endless toys that family members insist on buying).

Yep - can't understand why the 19yr is being given priority when a) he's at uni & b) it's not even his primary residence!

This. I’m from a big family and the day I went to uni I lost a permanent room at my mums. Never had one at my dad’s. When my parents divorced my Dad moved to a tiny 1.5 bed cottage and for years we all just fitted in wherever we could. Not ideal and not how we do things with my own DSC who are here more often than we were at m dad’s as kids but no one died, or complained. Your oldest DSS has a nerve throwing out demands and I’d put a stop to that right now.

Your baby has one home. She gets the biggest room. You need to stop being so diffident OP. It’s not an argument or a negotiation, it’s common bloody sense. If your partner has guilt issues about his children he needs to seek help to deal with them, not penalise your shared child to appease them.