What would you do

[JuniperIV]

I think I’ve name changed for this - worried it might be a bit outing, but I’m genuinely not sure what to do and would be interested to hear how others would handle this.

We currently live in a tiny three bed house, with two okay sized bedrooms and one absolutely tiny box room. My partner’s two boys (13 and 19) shared one of the okay sized rooms in bunk beds until about four years ago when the older one moved into the box room.

The younger one stayed in the okay sized room with a bunk bed with a desk underneath - this is where he spends most of his time! Either in the bed or on his PC under the bed. The older one has a single bed in the box room and his overnight visits tailed off as he has got older. He’s now away at uni and when he comes home spends a lot of time at his mum’s or at his girlfriend’s. If he does stay, he tends to use the double sofa bed in the living room with his girlfriend.

The younger son is here four nights a week (two week nights, and it used to be all day Saturday through to Monday but as he’s also got older it now tends to be late Saturday afternoon through to Monday).

We have a baby girl who is currently in with us and will be for a while yet, and we’ve just bought a project house which will be ready to move into at the end of the year.

The house has a loft bedroom (for us), two large bedrooms and one ‘box’ room, which is much bigger than the box room here but still only has enough space for a single bed.

Originally my partner and I just agreed that the baby one would have one of the big rooms as she’s there 24/7 and somehow has a lot of stuff (which currently takes over our whole room, and her toys are just stacked over and under the table at the moment in our living/dining room).

However both boys are now arguing they should each have a big bedroom and the baby should have the box room. My partner is keen for the 19 year old to have a big room so we can also use it as a guest room. I think that’s fine, and that the 13 year old could use the box room as he only uses his room for gaming and sleeping, and he’s had the bigger bedroom out of him and his brother for some years now, but then neither of them are a fan of this idea.

From my point of view, it seems a bit pointless to move for more spacious bedrooms and then have one occupied only on occasional visits and the other occupied around 50% of the time, whilst the child who is there all the time, has more toys and books and ‘plays’ more is in the smallest room.

We’ve shelved the discussion for now, but I was curious about how people in a similar situation would handle it, as I’ve had very mixed opinions from my friends, but none of them have step children to consider.

Sorry if it’s an essay but I wanted to give full context! We’ll also have more downstairs space too - but my partner is very keen for us not to have baby paraphernalia all over the living space, which is what we currently have!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Yep - can't understand why the 19yr is being given priority when a) he's at uni & b) it's not even his primary residence!

This. I’m from a big family and the day I went to uni I lost a permanent room at my mums. Never had one at my dad’s. When my parents divorced my Dad moved to a tiny 1.5 bed cottage and for years we all just fitted in wherever we could. Not ideal and not how we do things with my own DSC who are here more often than we were at m dad’s as kids but no one died, or complained. Your oldest DSS has a nerve throwing out demands and I’d put a stop to that right now.

Your baby has one home. She gets the biggest room. You need to stop being so diffident OP. It’s not an argument or a negotiation, it’s common bloody sense. If your partner has guilt issues about his children he needs to seek help to deal with them, not penalise your shared child to appease them.

[magneticmumbles]

There is nothing wrong with having your baby on another floor. She's already said she has a monitor ffs.

You have the top floor- you deserve it. And baby absolutely needs the next biggest room ( to house the endless toys that family members insist on buying).

[FanjoFizz]

Trust me, babies have soooo much more stuff than older kids, and their toys are much much bigger.
@Cajann your situation is different, it’s a bit more contentious to remove a stepchild from their already established bedroom for a new arrival. You risk making the SC feel pushed out and not as important as the new baby.
The OP’s situation is totally different, they’re moving to a new house and the step”child” in question is a young adult who rarely stays over. It would be utter madness to give him a larger room than a young child who actually lives there and needs the space

[Cajann]

I'm just going by the plan that I have for when I have a little one. My ss is 8 at the minute and my partner and I plan to have a child in the next few years if all goes well. I just think, why kick my stepson out of the bigger room before my baby would need the space. But then again, I might get my eyes opened on that one haha

[FanjoFizz]

@Cajann no way! Babies take up waaayyyy more room with their stuff than a young adult. And she’s there 100% of the time.
The 19yr old is an occasional visitor, it’s insane to give the bigger room to him

[Cajann]

I think while the baby is just a baby, the box room should be fine. Although when they hit 3 or 4 years of age, they should have the bigger room. As they will need more space for toys etc.

[Anuta77]

My middle SS who comes once every 2 or 3 months once complained that he didn't have a room in our house, but his father didn't really pay attention because it's obvious why (but just in case, I explained that it's because he wasn't here often enough), so probably the oldest one says it just like that, but you really don't need to worry about it.

[Magda72]

Yep - can't understand why the 19yr is being given priority when a) he's at uni & b) it's not even his primary residence!
Two larger rooms for your dd & your 13 yo dss who shouldn't have to make way for his brother who doesn't even really live there.

[Stepmoose]

I have to say the more I think about it the more I wonder why the 19 year old having his gf to stay is such a bit priority! They might not even stay together at this age or he may get his own place after uni. It would be much different if he lived there all the time. He really can't be stayed that often between uni and staying at his gf's, or dm's.

I think it would be really unfair on the younger dss to be given a box room or even be chucked out of his bigger room whilst his older brother Lords it up. In my 20s, I shared a single bed when I stayed with mt bf.

I think it would be reasonable for the younger boy to move out if you need a double room for other family guests. The chances are they would be there for atleast one of the three days that he isn't there anyway, and I was expected to give up my room for guests as a child so I don't think that would be unreasonable.

The people who live there most are the priority.

[Redwinestillfine]

Don't make the 13 to move out for his brother! He will feel bottom of the pile!

[GhostIsAGoodBoi]

DD gets a big room.
13YO gets a big room.

19YO sucks it the fuck up in the box room on the odd occasion that he visits. Cheeky sod.

[Redwinestillfine]

I would prioritise the two who are there the most so the baby and younger boy. Just because the 19 year old has a girlfriend doesn't mean he gets a bigger room. He's an adult and can get a place of his own. The younger boy may feel pushed out and as he's there every week he should get the bigger room. Put a sofa bed in single room for guests ( of which eldest boy is one).

[AnybodysDude]

I'd give your daughter a big room, the younger stepson a big room, and keep the boxroom for oldest/guests. I'm assuming you will have your younger stepson more frequently than you have guests?

[Anuta77]

We have a 3 bedroom house and SD who comes EOW has ''her''. The older SS (16 and 19) don't have "their" rooms as they come rarely, but we arranged that when one of them comes, it's on a different weekend than the SD, so "her" room is actually the guest room where all the stepchildren sleep. So if your older SS will rarely be there, I would give the bigger room to the 13 y.o. and on rare occasions where the oldest comes, he takes the smallest room or even shares with his brother (one night can not kill them).
Obviously, your DD should have her room as she's there full time. I say this, but my 20 month old is still in our bedroom as I'm not sure where to put him yet LOL.

[JuniperIV]

Also - should clarify, there will be a gate on baby’s room and on the stairs and she’s turning out to be a pretty solid sleeper! If she was restless or a tiny Houdini we’d swap it around but when she’s out, she’s out. My sister and I spent our whole childhoods on a different floor to my parents in a much more spread out house and I’m not really worried about that.

It’s awkward and it’s hard to convey properly but in such a small house, we often have teens all over the small living room (which is also the dining room), and my partner and I end up cooped up in our bedroom (especially in the evenings of any holiday as the older one will often come by with his friends or girlfriend, even if he’s not staying) being quiet because of the baby.

So when we designed this house my partner designed the spacious loft room for me so I can also have my desk in there (I’m a freelancer who works from home a lot) and I’m relishing having my own place to escape to as well, that’s not a cluttered room where you have to climb over the bed to get to the wardrobe - it’s whats been keeping me sane the past few months!

And - with regards to a guest room, we live over two hours away from both sets of family so quite frequently have visitors. I’d say my family have slept here more than the 19 year old so far this year, and he’s off travelling Asia for much of this summer.

I’m now considering baby in one big room with a fold out bed (good for any restless night shifts and we can bunk in there if we have guests, giving them our room) and then letting the boys duel it out and come to a conclusion over the other rooms. I reckon even if we did put 13 year old in the small room and put another double in the big one, he’d just sleep in there anyway! So maybe that happens and he just shifts back into the other room when his brother stays.

[JuniperIV]

@junebirthdaygirl they are very careless wee-ers and no amount of reminders seems to fix it 🙈 I grew up with sisters and only female cousins and it’s honestly gross. My partner tells me it’s just part of having boys, but my sister in law has two boys and they have much better aim, I’ve never had a soggy sock in their bathroom...

[junebirthdaygirl]

I would make the loft a guest area and sleep on the same floor as your little one . Big guy can sleep upstairs on his infrequent visits. I know an ensuite is nice but l would not have a small child on a different floor between me and the front door.
Also l have 2 ds and l never had to wear flip flops in the bathroom and they are both in their 20s. What's with that??

[JuniperIV]

Thanks all! The small room won’t fit a double - otherwise we’d happily do that and it’d save masses of hassle. And the loft room comes with an en-suite and after years of sharing a bathroom with three boys, I’m so ready to have my own separate bathroom - I’m not worried so much about being on a different floor as we will use our monitor. Currently I have to wear flip flops whenever I go into the bathroom, if you get my gist.

I’m going back to the debate this week armed with support! Thanks everyone! I thought I wasn’t being unreasonable but sometimes I find it hard to tell, and I don’t want to be the wicked stepmother so I always end up going along with the majority but this just didn’t seem right - although none of my friends agreed with me which fuelled my doubt.

[funinthesun19]

The child who is there the most (your daughter because she’s resident there and it’s her only home) should be priority when it comes to bedrooms. No matter what the ages or sex of the other children.

[Hanab]

Out of curiosity can a small double bed fit in the box room? Surely this can be the guest room and the older SS can use this on the occasion that he visits.. the baby definitely needs her own room and the 13 should get priority over the other ..

[Singlenotsingle]

You need to put your foot down with a firm hand, OP. The baby gets a big room, end of! You have a say! Don't let the men browbeat you.

[Stepmoose]

Your dd should 100% get one of the bigger rooms, that's a no brainer her being there all the time.

I think your 19 year old dss has a bit of a cheek demanding a big room since he has effectively moved out to uni and rarely stays. The only way that might make sense is if you did want to make a nice double guest room which dss19 could stay in when he did stay, though it sounds like he would see this as "his" bedroom, so i'm not sure that would work.

I'd be inclined to make the small room the guest room since it doesn't make sense to me for a big room to only be used occasionally. You would also need less storage space in a guest room. I would then make this where dss 19 stays. Since it seems like his gf only stays very occasionally, it doesn't seem fair or an adequate enough reason to give him a double bedroom.

DSS13 is actually there more than half of the week so I think it is fair that he gets the other big bedroom. Though as others have said, I wouldn't feel comfortable putting my young child on a different floor to me so I would probably have the 13 year old in the attic.

When my older brothers moved out to uni, they were automatically downgraded to the smaller rooms. There was no guarantee they would even move back after uni and it doesn't make sense for a big bedroom to sit empty most of the time.

[Princessphoebe75]

Baby definitely needs one of the bigger rooms as she's there 100% of the time. Can your DSS not 'share' the other big room, I.e when the elder is at Uni, the 13yro can have the room, but when he is home and comes to stay the 13yro sleeps in the smaller room? Are they both there at the same time ? You might find as the 13yro gets older he starts staying less like his older brother did and ultimately there might not be any issues.

[Spanglyprincess1]

I'm having the same argument with my dp. Our baby is currently in the single room. It's fine for now but when he needs a full size bed at around 4 it won't be.
He thinks his boys should get the double as it's mean else, it isn't they are here 2 nights a week not seven and we ve a seperate play area for xbox and pcs. So it literally for sleeping.

[NeverSayFreelance]

I think I would put baby in the big room (this is her only residence so she deserves to have her own room like her brothers had in their childhood), put DSS13 in the bigger room but have it arranged that if guests stay or if DSS19 comes over with his girlfriend, that he will sleep in the box room for the night.

Not ideal but maybe a happier solution for all.