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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Father's day - should I give them a nudge?

33 replies

MichelleC69 · 10/06/2019 14:08

Just curious as to whether step-mum's nudge their stepkids when it comes to Father's Day/birthday/Christmas gifts etc. My stepsons are 12 and 18 and a little bit thoughtless, which my husband gets a bit upset about. At Christmas, wanting to avoid any conflict, I asked the eldest what he had got dad for Christmas (nothing!) and suggested to him that he might like to think about buying a small gift from him and his brother given everything his dad does for them etc etc. He did it eventually, after lots of hand-holding from me. He has his own money so that's not the issue, I just feel like I shouldn't have to be telling him this stuff and he should think for himself. I had decided that I wasn't going to say anything about father's day and see what happens but I know my husband will be upset if they forget.

Oh, and on mother's day (not that I am their mother, nor do I pretend to be) I got no acknowledgement whatsoever other than when my husband had dropped them home that morning they said 'tell Michelle to have a nice mother's day'.....er that would have meant more coming directly from them!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Banhaha · 10/06/2019 15:54

I don't expect anything from my steroids on mother's day and I'm not sure how I'd feel if they did get me something.

Their mum sorts out fathers day and his birthday and my OH sorts out gifts for their mum. His gifts have slowly got worse, he's just been given a tenner for his birthday so she'd clearly forgotten. I might start getting them thinking a couple of weeks before hand if I do it in a, "any ideas what you are getting your dad so I don't get the same thing" it might work. He loves it when they make him a card.

Banhaha · 10/06/2019 15:55

Stepchildren not steroids!!

Original poster

MichelleC69 · 10/06/2019 15:58

Thanks @Banhaha - just to be clear, I wasn't expecting anything on Mother's day. It was just the throwaway comment that they didn't even think to say to me directly. But never mind.

Their mum doesn't sort out presents on their behalf, she's a bit crap. But I don't think it should be my responsibility really. Like I said, the eldest is an adult. Will drop some subtle hints this week.

OP posts:

Banhaha · 10/06/2019 16:08

I guess at least if you've made a subtle hint you've tried and then like you say the rest is up to them!

FriarTuck · 10/06/2019 16:12

I would. Don't be subtle, just say 'don't forget Father's Day'

Lolly86 · 10/06/2019 16:14

My stepson are 14 and 19 so old enough to sort out birthdays, fathers day xmas etc. But they don't. It doesn't mean the same to my DH if they have had to be cajoled into it so I don't anymore. I used to when they were much younger and needed help/funds etc.

cupofteaandcake · 10/06/2019 16:21

At 18 I would expect that they remember and sort. Presumably they expect loved to rememer their birthdays. I would not say anything and if your husband is upset then he neefs to tell his DS. At 12 they need a nudge in the right direction actually.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 10/06/2019 16:24

Dc don't understand hurt feelings ime!! Ds informed me he is away for my birthday this year! Prevention is better than cure so a reminder /few hints on what df would like and your dh will have a better day! If he is a good df no harm prompting dc for some recognition of that imo!

mothsgotmycashmere · 10/06/2019 16:29

It was Fathers' Day here yesterday. The younger DSCs had made gifts at school, but DSD1 (15) didn't even wish DH Happy Fathers' Day. I didn't remind her; given the fuss (I mean that kindly) DSS and DSD2, as well as my own DD with DH, had been making for the last 10 days or so about the gifts and cards they were making, she knew full well it was Fathers' Day. I used to be more proactive, but I feel that she is old enough to take care of this herself now (DH wouldn't expect a gift anyway, so all she had to do was wish him a nice day).

Tiptopj · 10/06/2019 16:37

I used sort it all when my stepson was little and it was a bit of a bug bare of mine that I had to remind him every birthday, fathers day and Christmas to sort something. I was always happy to provide the money or give ideas for what my partner would like I just wanted it to come from SS first. In your case I'd probably still sort something from the youngest but dont mention it or remind the oldest- if he sorts something himself great your partner will know its come from him and if he forgets maybe it will prompt him for next year

Original poster

MichelleC69 · 10/06/2019 16:43

Don't know what to do for the best now - I feel like not mentioning it just to make a point, and see what happens. I think the eldest should sort from both of them tbh. On his birthday in March I ended up buying him a bottle of whiskey and saying it was from all the kids, but I didn't get any thanks for sorting it.

OP posts:

cupofteaandcake · 10/06/2019 16:52

If you've been on MN a while you will have seen the very frequent threads about burthdays/special days being ignored or forgotten. Constantly reminding and/or buying gifts and cards is enabling this behaviour. I am also concious that I dont want my DC thinking its womens work

If you are conflicted perhaps a conversation as a family would be good? Just about expectations, taking responsibility and thinking of others.

Magda72 · 10/06/2019 17:08

Do nothing would be my advice. The 18 yo should have the maturity to remember & do something about it from both of them. If he doesn't & your oh is upset then he needs to tell them he's upset at their thoughtlessness.
When my eldest reached pocket-money & heading into town age, I'd always give him a cheeky reminder that it was my birthday/Mother's Day & I'd ensure his younger brother & sister would have a little cash to give him as their contribution to a small gift for me. I never expected my exh or my dp to remind them or give them money. Kids have to be taught this stuff & I honestly think it's the parent's job to do that & to not expect their partner to sort it out. I don't think exes should be expected to sort this once a child or the eldest child hits teens/Saturday job/pocket-money/being able to shop alone stage.

Leah2005 · 10/06/2019 17:53

My son is 19 and I would buy something with him for my exh as he was growing up. (Not for him, with him). Now I just say ooh remember it's dad's birthday, father's day etc and he sorts it himself. He also gets his step dad a gift/card. They do need to be taught to be thoughtful. It's difficult when you have two of different ages. Possibly just say something similar to oldest?

Kanga83 · 10/06/2019 19:21

Not trying to cause upset, but, how much contact does your DH have with his kids, and what's their relationship like with you? Is it strained or frayed or infrequent? I ask because having had a dad who had a wife (and hell will freeze over before I ever referred to her as a step mum) I didn't buy birthday / Father's Day cards for when I was old enough to make the decision myself ie my mum not doing it because she was kind. Certainly no way would I have bought a Mother's Day card for his wife. My step dad however I have bought cards for the whole time- he is a dad to me , is a grandfather to my children and gave me away at my wedding. Just a different perspective from a stepchild as to why they may not be comfortable doing so. Also, do they buy for their mum? Has your husband in the past ensured she received cards when the children were younger?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/06/2019 19:59

Mine are younger so I used to do it for them and now we do something together. This year I asked what they wanted to give him, we looked at a few different options, they chose, I paid and I ordered a card they’ve written. At Christmas I have them money and they chose him something each from a fair we went to. They’re becoming more independent and we’re big on gifts here, the thought and choosing something the person will like as a sign of how we love them. The DC get things for each other for Christmas and their birthdays with their pocket money and for our birthdays and Christmas DH and I shop with them and pay. By 18 they should be well up to speed on how to do things! But one of my brothers is in his 30s and some years I still get a message asking what “we” are getting mum or dad for special occasions and I just say I’m sorted thanks...

Original poster

MichelleC69 · 10/06/2019 20:48

@Kanga83 they stay with us 3 days a week so we see them plenty. The issue I was posting about wasn't in relation to mother's Day for me, it was about them remembering father's Day for themselves.

Anyway I just asked DH whether I should remind them and he said not to and that he would hope the eldest can remember for himself. Problem solved! We'll see what happens.

OP posts:

Firefliess · 10/06/2019 20:51

I don't tend to remind mine, but we are going out for a meal which I'll organise to mark it being father's Day. Teenage boys are crap IME at bothering about that sort of thing

Anuta77 · 10/06/2019 20:52

I'm a bit surprised that you expect the kids to acknowledge you when you are openly not nice to their mother.
My Skids generally acknowledge their father's bday, but it's because my DP and his exes have a very good relationship, so they see an example. Otherwise, kids are generally self-absorbed. The fact that they sent a message for you to have a nice mother's day is already more than what the average stepchild does.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/06/2019 20:52

Good decision OP. Fx the boys come through but it’s not on you if not.

Kanga83 · 10/06/2019 20:57

But you say their mother doesn't sort presents and is 'a bit crap'. Does your DH sort presents for her from the kids?

Loupyloula · 10/06/2019 21:04

I think, given the difference in ages, it could be kind to offer a little support to the 12 year old. If his older brother is rubbish at this stuff then he’s not going to learn from him. And I’d say to the 18 year old something like I’m assuming you are well capable of looking after Father’s Day but let me know if you need any ideas. Just to put it in his mind.
To be honest I’d completely forgotten Father’s Day until I read this thread so you’re never too old to be a bit rubbish and need a reminder!!
With my partner, I always do something a little special for him on father’s day whether his daughter is involved or not. I think he’s a super dad. So it’s a great day to tell him that and spoil him a little. Thanks again for the reminder!!

Chesneyhawkes1 · 10/06/2019 21:04

My stepson is 6. We went shopping Saturday and he picked out a load of stuff for his Dad and chose a card.

I've hidden it all and told him where as I will be at work next Sunday when he's here

Original poster

MichelleC69 · 10/06/2019 21:18

Oh FFS now I'm getting attacked for another unrelated post. I thought this site was all about supporting other parents.

Thanks to everyone who has been helpful but I think I'm done here!

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 10/06/2019 21:25

I send a text reminder on the family WhatsApp group for birthdays and the like. What they do with it is their affair.

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