DSS's mum wants me not to support DSS.

[useronetwo]

DSS has sport at the weekend. Sometimes I watch, sometimes I don't generally DH takes him regardless if it's our access weekend or not. Went this weekend and as we were leaving DSS said thanks for coming one, I really appreciate it. Next day DH gets a barrage of abuse from DSS's mum that I was out of line disobeying her strict instructions, that sport is father son time and I'm not welcome. (Apparently she has requested previously that I don't attend, but DH didn't tell me as he was concerned it would upset me) DH's response was DSS likes it when one is there and that she needs to butt out.
So I'm confused, surely you'd want a step mum who played and active and interested role. Not one that wasn't interested or supportive to your child. She'll 'happily' accept gifts from me, but she'd clearly prefer me not to be involved. Not a new step mum btw, not that should make a difference. Is it just me or is this a little

That sounds very controlling unless you have missed something out!

How old is DSS? Old enough to decide for himself?

Could he have asked his Mum to raise the issue as he doesn't want to offend you?

If DSS is old enough to decide I'd ask OH to talk to DSS and to try and see if this has come from DSS or if it's from his mum. It could be that DSS does want it to just be him and dad but doesn't know how to say this without upsetting anyone.

If DSS genuinely wants you there (isn't just being polite) then I guess it's up to you if you go knowing mum is upset or not.

Often it just is him and his dad. I always make sure they have time together. If it has come from him, he is a very good actor as his words were genuine and sincere.
He is 12.
Being brutally honest, I'm not bothered if I'm upsetting her. Most importantly I'll do what DH and DSS want which is for me to go to sport as I understand it at this time.

@useronetwo I'd do the same if I were in your shoes and OH had checked I was wanted while I wasn't in the room. I've given up trying not to upset the ex these last 6 months, I feel a lot better for it. I don't go out my way but if the children want me to do something and I'm happy to then i just do it.

Just get DH to reply
"Parenting decision I make on my time with our child are nothing to do with you. One will continue to support our son as a member of his family"

And then ignore anything else.

Hi @useronetwo I would try & get your oh to talk to dss. I had something similar in that dp's kids (13, 16 & 19) have always said to him they don't mind me at stuff but his exw says different. I was at dss 13 Birthday lunch a few weeks back (just dp, his kids & me - not my kids) & I got the distinct impression I wasn't wanted even though said 13 yr old thanked me for coming. I've always felt a little like this tbh & dp has always said it's fine but I pushed him this time & when he probed dss it was a no - 13 yr old doesn't like me being around at all; thinks dp should just be with them alone.
What dp couldn't get out of him is whether he himself genuinely feels like this or if it's coming from exw & dss doesn't want to upset his dm. Older two are just ambivalent. I've been with dp for over 4 years & give them plenty of space so not sure how to handle this moving forward. We're going on holidays in a few weeks which I now feel is going to be very awkward .

It's odd and just typical of a controlling ex. Your DH's response was perfect. Just ignore her and carry on supporting your DSS.

My dad remarried when I was 15 , I sometimes really wanted to just see my dad and not both of them even though I love her and was always polite . It would just have been nice so I understand magda72 post .

OP has already said that it is often just him and his dad.

Did he thank you out of politeness or because he was genuinely pleased? I'd get DH to find out and then stick with what DSS wants.

It could be that she's just controlling, or it could be that he really values alone time with his dad but has been brought up to be so polite you wouldn't know and he's only telling him mum.

@Bluebell878275 - my dp and his kids get LOADS of time without me but obviously still don't really want me around the few times I am. Dp is now trying to get to the bottom of why exactly dss 13 doesn't want me around.

Why are you giving her gifts?

Ok , seriously I’d be saying to your partner and step son are you happy with me coming to see you/ him I’d they say yes then it’s tough what the ex wife thinks - it’s controllong- she’s jealous and not putting her child’s views first she is being selfish - honestly I’d say just focus on your partner and step child’s needs I’m all for balance but when people behave like this for the drama I’d say don’t react because you’ll spend more time focusing on their chaos than what your partner and step child needs - I would also say you don’t have to be best friends with her to do what’s right but there are ways you can be amicable

... I also think maybe a conversation with your partner about him being honest about everything is a must I’m sure he had his reasons but you are one unit not two and her splitting you which is what her actions are doing is not good for you

If I was your h I would struggle to keep a straight face if told that partner was out of line "disobeying her strict instructions". Who does she think she is? How were your supposed to follow "instructions" that you weren't given? How did your h react when she said that? A normal person would have said "I'm sorry that you feel like that but One will sometimes attend" Your h clearly gave her the impression that he agrees with the instructions hence the barrage of abuse.

As for whether or not you should attend, it's obviously up to your h and dss. Hopefully he'll be unaware of his mum's "instructions" or he would have said something before you came along to the event.

Just like pp said: the ex doesn't get to decide how your H organises his time with his son.
And just in case, I would ask my H to talk to his son to see if it comes from him. I guess if your SS says that he doesn't really want you there and it's in order not to upset his mom, it's probably better not to go in this case, because honestly, I don't think it's all that important for a stepparent to attend a sports game, unless it's a special event and the child really wants support.

My SD at some point was asking me to come and watch her during her piano class. She was proud of it, so she wanted everyone around to see her. Now that it's been 3 years, it's just a normal thing, she doesn't care anymore who comes or doesn't.

Have had similar and DP has basically gone with what @Contraceptionismyfriend says.

I don't attend on her weeks or if it's a special presentation etc and she'll be in attendance even if it's on DP's time (I have no desire to see her either...) but I will go along occasionally on DP's weekends. The kids live with me 50/50!

Is it mainly dads that attend this activity? Sometimes kids don't like both parents there if everyone else has one parent.

I think directly asking him if he wants you there would be putting him on the spot and out of politeness, he'll say he's fine with it.

If he thinks his dad wants you there, he will also say yes, because he doesn't want to upset dad. He may fear being honest will push his dad away.

I find kids can be brutally honest with their mums, especially in seperated families and they aren't as honest on their feelings with dad, for fear of causing upset. Much the same as you get Disney dad syndrome... kids also want the limited time with dad to be fun, with no contention.

If your OH could ask him in a way that doesn't make him feel obliged to say he wants you there...and also reassure him that any response is fine...that would be best.

Perhaps if he said something like this to this son "If it could be one or the other, would you like it best/prefer to be just me coming to X sport with you, or me and One?"

The Ex does sound controlling in her words... disobey...as if you're a naughty child. Is she a teacher?

She'll 'happily' accept gifts from me

Just wondering -Is that gifts for herself or gifts for her son?

She doesn't want to go but I bet DSS wants her to and says 'one'comes why won't you. She thinks you are showing her up.

I think this may be coming from her DS if she’s fine with other aspects of your involvement. Kids don’t often feel comfortable saying things that might be perceived negatively to the NRP but he may have told his mum. I agree that your DP needs to ask his son in private and without judgement if he wants you around.

None of her business if DSS wants you there. She can fuck right off.

It’s possible the boy is n’t being consistent, and is telling both parents what he thinks they want to hear.

Is going really worth this much hassle ? This sort of tension benefits no one. Worse case scenario the ex stops or reduces access, or it really is n’t worth the grief.

If it’s your DHs weekend then whether you’re there or not has nothing to do with her.
It sounds like your DSS is happy that you’re going and you’re giving them time together by not going every time so I’d do what you think is best for your DSS