Dsd has just turned 10. She can be quite a difficult/moody child, but on the whole is really a very nice, thoughtful girl. I've known her for almost 5 years and we get on well as friends, but I am not "maternal" towards her as I don't want to be seen as trying to compete in any way with her mum. She gets lots of hugs and kisses from dh and ds though.
Her mum was diagnosed with lymphoma a couple of years ago and has come through it, but now has suspected lupus - she is undergoing tests. At home with her mum, I think they clash a bit because dsd is quite strong-willed and she is apparently very lazy around the house whilst her older brother mucks in a lot. At our house (I think primarily because she is a bit of a "daddy's girl"), she does help out quite a bit. Apparently, despite her mum's recent illness, which has been very debilitating from what I can tell - she can't drive, can't hold a cup, etc - my dsd is still reluctant to help her mum with housework/tidying.
Her brother is almost 14, good at most stuff (except practical/common-sense things where she is better) and very competitive. Dss is developing a bit of a habit of putting her down all the time which I think is rather nasty of him and I have said to dh that he needs to have a word with him about this. They are also bickering a lot which their mum is finding particularly difficult to cope with because of her illness. I suspect it's just their age, ie. both approaching puberty, but it doesn't help the situation.
She dotes on ds who is almost 18 months and bonded really well with him initially. But he has become very keen on footballs and now has more in common with dss. So, in his socially innocent way, ds is showing a preference for dss who will happily play with him for hours, kicking and throwing around footballs. If I take ds to the park, dss will come, but she won't so dss is spending more time with ds anyway. I'm also pg with no. 2, but I don't think that's worrying her as she seems quite excited about it generally.
In addition to all this, dh told me yesterday that her best friend at school is apparently being moved to another school because of bullying so (I think) she is also worried about what next year is going to be like. He is pretty sure dsd isn't being bullied as he says she wouldn't put up with it. I think I probably agree with him as she's generally a little toughie!
All in all, she is going through a fairly tricky time in her life and has been quite withdrawn and moody when she has stayed with us over the last couple of months. She apparently feels "got at" by everyone - I think this is partly because she compares unfavourably with her brother who is extremely easy-going and helpful whereas she can be quite sulky and obstinate, but she obviously doesn't see that.
I have suggested to dh that she help him with ds' bath at weekends so that she has a bit of bonding time with him without her brother around. I can't really think of anything else which she and he could do together. Dh also says that we will have her by herself for a weekend some time in the near future which might help, but is unlikely to change things long-term.
Dh has spoken to both of them about the arguing which seems to have fallen on deaf ears. As his way of talking to them hasn't worked, I have said that although I generally try to keep out of parenting issues, I will talk to them if he wants me to and take a tougher line - ie. cut the cr*p, your mother has got enough to be coping with and you're both old enough to start be more considerate towards her. I think they'd probably accept a tougher line from me although I'm not sure it will make any more difference than dh's "chat".
So my questions are:
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I am quite worried about her because she really does seem quite unhappy and I guess I'm wondering, is her behaviour just an age thing?
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Has anyone got any other ideas on how we can try to reassure her/cheer her up?
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Has anyone got any ideas on how to sort out the bickering or is it inevitable in siblings of this age? Do you think being "told it straight" is something which 10 and 14 year olds will get? Or do you think I should keep my nose out? At the moment, I've suggested having them on alternate weekends which means their mum won't get a break, but she might nevertheless get an easier life...
Any constructive comments welcome... Thanks in advance!