Have or did dynamics/relationship with dsc - or non resident dc - change once they hit their teens?

[Stepmoose]

Posted this in chat too but didn't have much luck.

Just looking for advice on whether/how the dynamics changed with dsc or non resident dc when they hit the teenage years and how you adapted? This is if you have been involved with dsc since they were younger rather than first knew them as teenagers.

I have one dsc who is now mid teens, and have been with dh since he was very young.

DSS has been a fairly easy going teenager so far, a few issues but nothing too major. However there has been a noticable increase in typical teenage behaviours lately. I can feel the relationship starting to change with dh and I and I am worried that things are going to become strained and distant simply because we don't see him day to day.

Currently he stays with us one or two nights a weekend, though contact was more often when he was younger. This is simply due to him not wanting to be back and forwards as much, which is understandable. He is also starting to do his own thing a little more.

So, how did you adapt things and what type of things did you do to ensure that you maintained a good relationship?

Firstly I think you have to remember that even in an 'intact' family relationships between teens and their parents can become strained - it's what happens in teenagehood! Teens are like toddlers; they are finding & asserting a newfound sense of independence & they will push & push, & often they will also manipulate the hell out of their parents. It's in divorced settings where the manipulation can really take hold as playing one parent off against the other is far easier when those parents aren't together so be aware of all that "oh but mum lets me", or "mum says I can".
The worst thing you & your dh can do moving forward is to start giving in to any demands that your dss issues. It seems that many nrp dads get very worried that if they say 'no' to teens or discipline too hard that their teens will stop coming. Thing is, teens are also like toddlers in that while they push they still want boundaries & despite strops or days of grunting at parents, they like knowing who's in charge & that the adults have 'got this'.
Stay consistent with house rules and discipline & continue to treat him fairly but firmly. If he gives your dh grief or threatens not to come just remember that if he lived with your dh full time he'd be using something else to get at him!
I also think a lot of parents forget that teens are supposed to spend more time with their peer group than their parents. This can be hard on nrps but I think a teen ditching mum or dad (within reason) for their friends is a sign of healthy maturing.
My dp's 19 year old would rather hang out with dp & his 16 & 13 year old brothers than anyone his own age. This may seem lovely from the outside but it's not. At 19 he is quite literally tied to both his mother's & dp's apron strings & has very few life skills - to the extent that dp is worried sick about him going to uni. Dp thought he was really lucky in that he had a teen who gave him no bother but he sees now that wasn't necessarily a good thing, & I think he's going to possibly have an adult son giving him plenty of bother as he is totally dependent on dp for everything & has no clue how to tackle the world.

Mine were aged 7-12 when I met them and are now 16+, so we've seen them all into teens. We live near to their school and friends which helps a lot. If you don't I think you do tend to see less of them. 1-2 nights a week is quite a bit though. I wouldn't worry about not seeing DSS quite as much as when he was smaller and needed "looking after" in a way he doesn't now. I think you need things to do with teens to have something to talk about with them - movies or TV series to watch together is good, a spot you support, music, etc. You have to be guided by what they're into though - you can't tag them on to your own life like you can with younger ones. Family day outs no longer work with teens but holidays still do. I also think it's ok, even with DSC who aren't there all the time to just let them do their own thing a lot of the time and not feel you can't do anything without them.

Thank you both so much for your advice - it is really useful and also comforting to understand that things would be changing anyway.

I suppose the difficulty is that was dss with us 100% of the time, we would get a glimmer of the nice/fun moods too, but sometimes when he comes, we will get the grunting the whole time. I realise the grunting is normal (!) but it is difficult when we will then not see him again for a week, .

Magda you've given some brilliant advice thank you. The "not wanting" to come round has already begun unfortunately. DH and I do all of the things you describe in terms of setting boundaries, which he doesn't seem to have as much at his dm's, and we think this is what is causing him to prefer being there. It is quite hurtful, as there doesn't seem to he any clear reason why he no longer feels he wants to see us as much. If it were because he was with friends instead, it would be easier to accept.

Firefliess it is so useful to hear from someone who has been through and come out the other side. DSS does live fairly close by, as do some of his friends. DH tries to do as much as possible that DSS enjoys, however truth be told, a lot of it is centred around screens. How much did you see you dsc through their teens and what did that time usually involve if you don't mind me asking? Did you have much contact with them outside of visits?

We've always had them every weekend. That was such a fixed routine that it didn't change a lot. Eldest DSD would ocassionally switch around in either direction depending who lived nearest to the party she wanted to go to. The others just kept coming at weekends as that's what they'd always done. Their mum didn't really want them with her at weekends so I guess they had little choice (,I realize this is a little unusual, and most DSC do start getting more choice as they get older - my own DC don't go as much to their dad's for various reasons) We don't go out our way to treat them as visitors when they're here tbh. They spend most of the time in their rooms, often on screens. We play boardgames with them, eat meals together, help with homework, watch TV and ocassionally take them out for a meal. DH takes the boys to the cinema sometimes too, but I don't usually go with them as I don't like the same type of movies.

Thanks firefliess it is really helpful to hear your experiences.

Your set up sounds very similar, as do the type of things you do at the weekend with your dsc - we do most of the same and dss always eats meals with us.

DSS has always come every weekend and this has continued, however sometimes he used to stay all weekend. Now, he will only stay the one night usually and he always declines if dh asks if he would like to stay longer, no matter what we have done together, and is quite blunt and ruthless about it. He won't elaborate as to why and it is nothing to do with him having plans elsewhere.

It makes us wonder whether he has always disliked staying with us but is only now speaking out, or whether things are changing between us all.

I suppose we will just have to see how things pan out.