improving relations with the ex-wife...

[pottymouth999]

I am the partner of a man that has a 13 year old daughter with his former wife. The divorce was amicable, and the ex-wife did very well out of the split by managing to retain a large house and a maintenance payment that is over and above the normal amount for one child. We also pay for school trips, extra tuition, holidays, pocket money, streaming, clubs and hobbies on top of that as well. All of this I’m absolutely comfortable with, and it was all over and done with long before I became part of their lives.
My partner now lives with me and we have planned access during alternate weekends at the house that was formerly just my residence that we now share. This is all going well and I adore my step-daughter.
However there are some issues and I wanted to share to see what other people thought.
Step daughter comes to us in scruffy very dirty old threadbare clothes, often with extremely greasy hair and is clearly unwashed for several days with dirty fingernails and smelly feet. I end up buying more clothes and washing everything shes brought with her because the things shes brought with her are not even clean. I send her home clean and ironed on a Sunday. This is all despite the large payment the ex-wife receives for clothing and maintenance and the additional items we pay for. These new items of clothing disappear never to be seen again and is repeated every time we see her.
The ex-wife is constantly badgering her via calls and whatsapp messages while shes with us, so much so that we have to stop what we are doing sometimes and get her to speak to her mother before it gets nasty, if she doesn’t reply in what her mother considers a reasonable time frame she rings my partner and starts screaming down the phone at him. I find this disruptive and disrespectful.
The ex-wife has now begun a relationship with someone new that lives a fair distance away and she is now planning to relocate to the midlands in the next few months (we are in London) My step daughter is very unhappy about it all and does not want to be separated from her aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins, not to mention changing schools and leaving her friends here, whilst I don’t want to stop the ex-wife moving on or out of the area (it would actually suit me very well!) I cannot see that this can be a positive thing for her daughter. It’s taken a while for her to settle into her high school and make good friends and establish her network, she is also entering a very important phase of her education that of GCSE’s. I’m very worried about the disruption this move is going to cause to her education, confidence and relationships. She’s been through so much lately and life is settling down for her, and now this. I know that will affect all of us deeply. Shes a sensitive kid prone to anxiety and extreme overthinking so its been a real struggle getting her comfortable with everything Now we are all in a good place her Mum wants to change it all again.
I feel like I have no influence and I just have to put up with the situation and deal with all the stuff that comes my way. Step parenting is a wonderful thing but so hard sometimes. There are days I want to cry because Im so upset and sad for her and wish I could change things and make it all better. Clean clothes and smelling nice isn’t too much to ask for is it?
I suppose i'd like to know if others have similar problems, am I expecting too much or being unreasonable? any advice to help me make things better - Thanks xx

In regards to moving your dh needs to go to court to get an order to prevent her moving dd. Your step-daughter’s wishes will also be considered as she is 13 now.

Would you be willing for her to live with you full time? As this will probably be something that comes up if your dh does go to court.

Her mum sounds like she’s struggling, and not particularly putting her dd’s best interests at heart. Has your husband spoken to her at a time when they’re both calm about all this?

At 13 dsd needs be blamed for being grubby not her mum. I’m guessing DSD might have MH issues that you and your partner don’t know about (or maybe partner does but you don’t). One of my friends behaved similarly re phone-calls etc when her DD went to see her dad; it took her DD six years to admit to her dad she had severe MH problems.

It’s really tough but I would try and take a step back. You won’t change the Mum and you need to let your partner address all of this.

Re the clothes can you wash the ones she arrives at and send her home in these? Keeping a wardrobe at your house? Though at 13 she must surely be picking her own clothes for the day?

I would get legal advice re the move. Are you are your DP in a position to and prepared to have her FT if that’s the alternative?

A 13 year old chooses the clothes they put on and chooses not to shower/brush their hair. I’m sure the mother is over nagging her to do it herself. Is her mental health in a bad place or is she just in a grotty teenager phase?

Two things, at 13 personal hygiene is the DD's responsibility. Keep deodorant at your house obviously. Maybe she likes the old clothes.

On the moving situation, at 13 she can express a desire not to relocate if you and her father are willing to offer her a home, a big decision for you and her but the court if if came down to it would allow her to choose

Pp’s have made very valid points about SD being able to sort her hygiene and clothes out - I’m still in the throes of toddler-hood, I forgot they do actually become capable eventually!

It’s really tough as you don’t have any say in this.

With regards to the clothes (I had this with my ex dh, wash and iron the clothes she turns up in, and send her home in them. I git completely fed up with providing new clothes to never see them again. Might seem petty but my dc never bothered about it and would happily get changed just before they went to him. He’s now starting to do the same with me

As for the move. Your dh could take it to court to stop her, however he has to have a bloody good reason for this to happen.

Yes at 13 a child SHOULD know about personal hygiene etc but if she's not been educated about this at home then it may be an explanation about this situation

Has you DH raised the moving issue with his ex? That the child does not want to go?

Couple of issues here.....

Personal hygiene - a 13 year old should be taking pride in themselves and showering. Easier said than done. My 14 year old DSD comes EO weekend and to be blunt smells and has greasy hair. She only showers once a week at home. She’s straight in the shower when she arrives. You need to teach them.

The clothes - a 13 YO should be dressing themselves. We did have the same challenge - old dirty threadbare clothes. It was a ploy for us to buy new stuff. Dad was happy to buy stuff but it went home and was never seen again. A 13 YO is captor packing a bag, bringing stuff back. Sometimes you have to get tough on this. One tine at pick up (after 3 pairs of expensive trainers were bought in succession) she turned up in a pair of flip flops (it was raining). Dad told her to go back in and get some decent footwear on.

The phone calls - we also have this. Mum constantly calling. Which is hilarious as my OH has had to go to court to be ‘allowed’ to ring his children in the week (allowed 2 calls a week on a specific day and time). Mum constantly calls and texts on dads weekends and at times it’s been disruptive. We have a rule - all phones charging in the side when in the house, when we’re out, no phones at restaurant tables and while we’re doing something as frankly it’s rude. That way dad gets to spend quality time with the kids.

The move - if it’s not in the daughters best interests, he should go to court and get a prohibited steps order. The mother will have to justify why this move is in the child’s bests interests.

DSD has a voice so it should be heard. The ex just can't move ... take legal advice.

Stop sending DSD back in new clothes. Send her back in the clothes she came in. The ex is probably sending her in crappy clothes because she can.

I have kids who are a similar age.

Personal hygiene is dsd's responsibility. 13yo range from my ds1 who would take 5 showers a day if allowed to my ds2 who's rather game than shower. With regards to the clothes- skinny ripped jeans are teen fashion. Are you sure it's not a ploy to get Dad to buy new stuff?

If she comes to the car with tired clothes have you thought about sending her back in for something else? (I'm assuming that she doesn't have SN where she's particular about how fabrics feel) Show her how to use a washing machine if you haven't done this yet. (I'm not saying that mum is being neglectful but it's very possible that the clothes that she wore when she was with you has been lying on her bedroom floor/stuffed in drawers since her last visit) in our house I will wash clothes with 24 hours notice but if they need it sooner, it's up to my kids to sort. This system means it takes once or twice before they learn to plan outfits ahead and both of them always put pe kits in the wash on the day that they had pe.

With regards to the move, you can stop it from happening legally and I would pursue this in light of dsd's age and reluctance.

Sounds like Dad needs to talk to his daughter about her living with him, and mum having access. A move for her mum to be with her boyfriend certainly isn't putting the child first.

The clothes issue is a pretty common one. It's absolutely a ploy to ensure mum never has to buy new clothes, because she knows dad will do it. All adds up to it making more sense for the child to live with dad rather than mum.

Time to test what his daughter wants, and then - if she would rather stay with him - open a conversation with mum.

WRT the clothes, she's done you like a right kipper! I'd turn up in scruffy kit every time if it meant I was going to get bought a whole new wardrobe. I don't blame her for this bit at all

Clothes very common.

Wash the threadbare clothes and send them back in them every single time.

pottymouth - location is one issue in your post and needs to be resolved.

However, you obviously resent the mother you have had a dig from your second sentence - large house, excessive maintenance, cleanliness, clothes e etc etc etc. You are quite clearly not happy with any of it.

Separate the issues and stick to them. Location here is the key the rest is irrelevant and you just come across as bitchy

The title of your post doesn't go with the content. Where do you mention that you want to improve relationships with the ex wife?

You seem very involved with your SD, even worrying about her mother moving (it should be the father's problem). If you are very involved with your SD and "adore" her, you should be able to talk to her about her hygiene? I agree that at her age, she must be the one packing her bag, so explain to her about clean better looking clothes. When my SD was coming in winter wearing thin tiny socks and no scarf at -15C, complaining that she's cold, I explained over and over (in addition to giving her warm socks) that this is not the way to dress in winter. I also told this to my DP, who after years of defending his ex wife, started to tell his daughter that she needed these basic items in winter. Just an example.

I absolutely understand why you would resent the mother, but unfortunately there's nothing to do about this. If you care about your SD, the only thing you can do is try to give her advice. But honestly, at 13, a girl would either care about how she looks or not. It's not because she was not well raised by the mother. She sees other girls at school.

I forgot to add that some people sweat a lot, so if she's like that and she spent a few hours even with clean socks at school, they would smell. It's not necessary a sign that she never takes a shower and wears dirty socks several days in a row. My toddler has smelly feet, I never imagined it was possible, because I'm not like that and my older son either, but it's possible.
The ex wife in our case was telling SD at 9 that she stinks (total bullocks!) and made her to use deodorant as if we're not exposed to enough chemicals already. She also told her that her feet smell (again total bullocks) and shaved her armpit hair at 11. I found that absolutely ridiculous because she just gave her daughter extra complexes.