To be told its not a 'real' family

[C1239]

Hi,
I live with my partner of four and a half years, he has two boys, who are 7 and 9, who we have 1-2 nights a week and more in the holidays.
I have a lovely relationship with them and seem to have fitted into the 'step parent' role well. So far its all being a very amicable situation with the boys Mum and i feel lucky to have the situation i have. I've never wanted to have my 'own' children, i like children but have always imagined myself more in the aunt or godmother role than mum so this seems to work well!
I'm about to turn 35 and recently social pressure and comments have made me doubt myself and made me wonder if i've been really naive about this whole situation.
Comments like 'its not really a real family unless you have children of your own', you will really regret not having your 'own' children, is step parenting really real parenting, what if you split up from your partner and loose your 'family'. I hadnt thought about it at all like this for the last four and a half years as its just felt right!
I dont know if its because i'm about to turn 35, it feels like an age i'm meant to have everything sorted or what it is but its a horrible feeling when i've always thought i've had a great situation!
Just looking for some reassurance really !

XH and I split when DDs were baby and toddler. The OW proved to be a fantastic step mum and a hugely positive influence in their lives. Sadly, she and XH then split- very acrimoniously - but DDs still have a good relationship with her. In fact, they probably have a more rewarding relationship with SM than they do with their DF.

So it is possible that the relationship will be maintained. FWIW . - I have a half brother. I don't feel less connected to him than I do my blood brother (or sisters!)

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship, and that’s what’s important.

Just to answer the question, though, I wouldn’t see a man, his girlfriend, and his kids who stay 1-2 nights a week as a family.

There are many different definitions of family and you sound like you have a good set up.

People are right to say your relationship with your stepchildren is dependent on your relationship with your partner. But I’m a married step mum and we have a baby together and I’m in the same boat. If my husband and I split up or he died I wouldn’t be able to see my step kids again and if the latter happened my daughter would lose her relationship with her siblings as there’d be no way for me to keep them seeing each other. It’s something I worry about and it’s awful but I can’t do anything about it so no point losing sleep on what ifs, I just hope for the best and cherish what we have.

My step children definitely see us as a family. They just have two families, one with mum and one with dad, baby sister and me.

Of course it’s family, imagine saying to your step children that you’re not a family.
However since having my own DD I can see that being a step parent is very different to being a parent; if someone wanted children then I couldn’t say that being a step parent could fulfill that need/wish as the children already have a mum and dad. The main point here though is that you’ve said you don’t want children so surely it is a good situation.
I’ve been in my DSDs live for 5 years now and while it wouldn’t be the same I do think I’d maintain contact with her if me and DH split up; she’s at an age now where I could do that directly. It has always been my fear though but I’d also be devastated to lose the close friendships I’ve got with DHs family and that’s a risk with any relationship

I would make a massive effort for my child to see her stepmother if they were ever to break up. She’s been in her life for 8 years. That’s family.

I would make a massive effort for my child to see her stepmother if they were ever to break up. She’s been in her life for 8 years. That’s family

That’s great, it really is. Lovely to see.

However, in the OP’s case, would you really go to much trouble if she split from her boyfriend? At the end of the day, she sees the children for approximately 36 nights a year.

she sees the children for approximately 36 nights a year.

How on earth did you work that one out?

Yes, you are a real family. Ignore all those people who say otherwise. There’s no such thing as a standard 2.4 family anymore. You say the situation works for you, so that’s great.

Don’t worry about the worse case scenarios. I do know a step mum who has regular contact with her ex’s first children. She was their step mum for several years, and is now step-gran to their kids, even though she is now married to someone else.

Enjoy your family unit.

How on earth did you work that one out?

Oops, I made a mistake and you’re right. It’s more like c. 78 nights a year.

My DP has a blended family if his dad broke up with his step mother the siblings (step siblings and half siblings) would most certainly maintain a relationship and I reckon DP would keep in touch with his step mother.

My older DC are not DP’s biological DC however, if we broke up I’m sure they’d want to see DP regularly and keep in touch with him and he would too, he’s been their parent and father figure for years and watched them grow up and invested a lot of love, time, energy in bringing them up along with me. That’s not going to disappear just because our relationship ends (which I hope it doesn’t).

I think as the children grow older they’ll make their own decision as to whether they’ll stay in touch with you or not.

If you don’t want children I wouldn’t panic have children just in case your relationship doesn’t last.

If you’re happy and secure in your relationship I’d ignore what others think.

"However, in the OP’s case, would you really go to much trouble if she split from her boyfriend?"

Yes, I would - and did when they briefly split up after two years. They're not married so technically she is not really her step-mother but to all intents and purposes she is part of my child's family. Her own family have made huge efforts with my child and she is treated like their grandchild/niece. Frankly the more love in the world there is for my child the better - why would I put barriers in place to stop that.