To be told its not a 'real' family

[C1239]

Hi,
I live with my partner of four and a half years, he has two boys, who are 7 and 9, who we have 1-2 nights a week and more in the holidays.
I have a lovely relationship with them and seem to have fitted into the 'step parent' role well. So far its all being a very amicable situation with the boys Mum and i feel lucky to have the situation i have. I've never wanted to have my 'own' children, i like children but have always imagined myself more in the aunt or godmother role than mum so this seems to work well!
I'm about to turn 35 and recently social pressure and comments have made me doubt myself and made me wonder if i've been really naive about this whole situation.
Comments like 'its not really a real family unless you have children of your own', you will really regret not having your 'own' children, is step parenting really real parenting, what if you split up from your partner and loose your 'family'. I hadnt thought about it at all like this for the last four and a half years as its just felt right!
I dont know if its because i'm about to turn 35, it feels like an age i'm meant to have everything sorted or what it is but its a horrible feeling when i've always thought i've had a great situation!
Just looking for some reassurance really !

[Enb76]

"However, in the OP’s case, would you really go to much trouble if she split from her boyfriend?"

Yes, I would - and did when they briefly split up after two years. They're not married so technically she is not really her step-mother but to all intents and purposes she is part of my child's family. Her own family have made huge efforts with my child and she is treated like their grandchild/niece. Frankly the more love in the world there is for my child the better - why would I put barriers in place to stop that.

[frazzledasarock]

My DP has a blended family if his dad broke up with his step mother the siblings (step siblings and half siblings) would most certainly maintain a relationship and I reckon DP would keep in touch with his step mother.

My older DC are not DP’s biological DC however, if we broke up I’m sure they’d want to see DP regularly and keep in touch with him and he would too, he’s been their parent and father figure for years and watched them grow up and invested a lot of love, time, energy in bringing them up along with me. That’s not going to disappear just because our relationship ends (which I hope it doesn’t).

I think as the children grow older they’ll make their own decision as to whether they’ll stay in touch with you or not.

If you don’t want children I wouldn’t panic have children just in case your relationship doesn’t last.

If you’re happy and secure in your relationship I’d ignore what others think.

[VodselForDinner]

How on earth did you work that one out?

Oops, I made a mistake and you’re right. It’s more like c. 78 nights a year.

[Loveislandaddict]

Yes, you are a real family. Ignore all those people who say otherwise. There’s no such thing as a standard 2.4 family anymore. You say the situation works for you, so that’s great.

Don’t worry about the worse case scenarios. I do know a step mum who has regular contact with her ex’s first children. She was their step mum for several years, and is now step-gran to their kids, even though she is now married to someone else.

Enjoy your family unit.

[burnyburny]

she sees the children for approximately 36 nights a year.

How on earth did you work that one out?

[VodselForDinner]

I would make a massive effort for my child to see her stepmother if they were ever to break up. She’s been in her life for 8 years. That’s family

That’s great, it really is. Lovely to see.

However, in the OP’s case, would you really go to much trouble if she split from her boyfriend? At the end of the day, she sees the children for approximately 36 nights a year.

[Enb76]

I would make a massive effort for my child to see her stepmother if they were ever to break up. She’s been in her life for 8 years. That’s family.

[user1493413286]

Of course it’s family, imagine saying to your step children that you’re not a family.
However since having my own DD I can see that being a step parent is very different to being a parent; if someone wanted children then I couldn’t say that being a step parent could fulfill that need/wish as the children already have a mum and dad. The main point here though is that you’ve said you don’t want children so surely it is a good situation.
I’ve been in my DSDs live for 5 years now and while it wouldn’t be the same I do think I’d maintain contact with her if me and DH split up; she’s at an age now where I could do that directly. It has always been my fear though but I’d also be devastated to lose the close friendships I’ve got with DHs family and that’s a risk with any relationship

[AnneLovesGilbert]

There are many different definitions of family and you sound like you have a good set up.

People are right to say your relationship with your stepchildren is dependent on your relationship with your partner. But I’m a married step mum and we have a baby together and I’m in the same boat. If my husband and I split up or he died I wouldn’t be able to see my step kids again and if the latter happened my daughter would lose her relationship with her siblings as there’d be no way for me to keep them seeing each other. It’s something I worry about and it’s awful but I can’t do anything about it so no point losing sleep on what ifs, I just hope for the best and cherish what we have.

My step children definitely see us as a family. They just have two families, one with mum and one with dad, baby sister and me.

[VodselForDinner]

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship, and that’s what’s important.

Just to answer the question, though, I wouldn’t see a man, his girlfriend, and his kids who stay 1-2 nights a week as a family.

[OllyBJolly]

XH and I split when DDs were baby and toddler. The OW proved to be a fantastic step mum and a hugely positive influence in their lives. Sadly, she and XH then split- very acrimoniously - but DDs still have a good relationship with her. In fact, they probably have a more rewarding relationship with SM than they do with their DF.

So it is possible that the relationship will be maintained. FWIW . - I have a half brother. I don't feel less connected to him than I do my blood brother (or sisters!)

[overdrive]

Having said all that, my DC is 14 now, so it would be up to him from here on in if things ever went pear shaped at dads/SM's.

[overdrive]

I don't think it's vindictive not to let a SC see an ex. That can become an extremely messy situation as people move on and start again, and it is ultimately the kids who don't understand and feel rejected.

When my ex split with his gf, he let her have contact with the kids. I didn't agree with it, but it was done without discussion. But I know she was missing them, and I can't fault her for that. Luckily they got back together and got married, but it's not something I'd have wanted to continue at only 8 years old.

But I hope it all works out for you, OP. Don't hold back, just take each day as it comes. If the worst were to happen, you want them to remember the love you had for them, not that you went cold on them, even through fear of losing them.

[scruffybarnsley]

This is my situation too. I have a wonderful step daughter (16) who lives with us basically full time. I am as hands on, if not more, than my partner (due to work commitments) and yet I know members of my own family (eg my parents etc) have made comments about step children not being 'real', them not having grandchildren etc

I say let the haters hate. You're happy with your life and that's what matters. I don't want children 'of my own' either and that would be the case regardless but my relationship with DSD is a wonderful gift I wasn't expecting in my life. People will always judge - even if you did get pregnant with your 'own' child, you'd then get them asking when you were having another etc etc. Smile and nod and feel grateful for your lovely family.

I do sometimes idly worry about the 'what if we split up' scenario but equally like many other people have said, worst case scenarios are not the reason to make decisions especially as that wouldn't change my own decision about wanting to get pregnant now - my DSD is a blessing, but she's not my replacement child as I don't want a child 'of my own'. We have our own relationship - step mum and step daughter, not mother and daughter. You sound like you have a lovely family set up that you're happy with and you're a lovely step mum. Families come in all shapes and sizes.

[Magda72]

@BlingLoving I know that if my dp & I split & if I chose to not let my kids see him it would certainly not be out of vindictiveness but out of care for my kids. And this would be (as I said upthread) because it would be very likely that dp would eventually meet someone else, who may live elsewhere or who may have kids of her own & if dp was trying to juggle this, & his own kids & contact with mine, then naturally enough contact with mine would be the first casualty. This would harm my kids in the long run.
I think a lot of parents would feel similarly.
For eg if the op & her partner split, he would possibly worry about what would happen if she met someone else, moved away or had kids of her own, & in order to protect his kids from further distress he may choose to phase out contact. That's not vindictive.
The other scenario is that he may meet someone who he wants to move on with & he may feel his kids establishing a relationship with his new partner would be compromised if they still had a relationship with his previous partner.
I'm a dm & a sm so I see both sides & the harsh reality is sp's are family until they're not.

[Magda72]

@C1239 - I think @lunar1's advice is excellent. I think you sound lovely & very caring but you are unprotected. Don't pull back at all but as lunar says, ensure you have a full life outside of your dp & sdc.

[Lllot5]

Perhaps if you were to get married you might feel more permanent.
I wouldn’t like my children getting too close to my ex’s girlfriend.
But I struggle massively with that anyway.

[BlingLoving]

This is ridiculous. Yes, there IS a chance that if you and your DP split you might not be able to see the kids. But that is worst case scenario x 2 - that you will split and that he/his ex will be so vindictive. I hate this attitude so much.

You have a wonderful relationship with your DSC. And clearly you've got the balance right to create your own unique family of the four of you, with some input from their mother too. Please don't withdraw your love and enjoyment of this relationship with them because of something that is not necessarily going to happen and for which you are working to ensure it doesn't.

I don't understand this attitude. I lost count of how many people told me not to let DH be a SAHD in case we split up an the got custody. Yes, of course, that is in fact a risk. But for pity's sake, I'm not making my current parenting/relationship decisions on the assumption that my relationship will fail. I'm doing everything I can to make sure it DOESN'T fail.

[ffs74]

Sorry, just read that back shouldn't, not should!

[Whoops75]

Blood is thicker than water

As long as you’re with the dad ye are a family.

[ffs74]

I don't think you should be as hands on as you are, it sounds like they are lucky to have so many caring adults in their lives.
It only becomes complicated if you split, as new partners etc would mean a totally different dynamic. You would have no rights to see the dc, the same position as my dc but they are older and he's very much the other main parent in their lives.

[C1239]

No i dont think i do want dc of my own.
If we split up i think the children are at an age now (7 and 9) that they would be asking questions about where i was and wanting to see me etc. I get on well with their Mum and their Dad is very sensible and would do what is best for them but the realisation that maybe i shouldnt be as hands on with them as i am is horrible?! I've always just thought of us as a family until now.

[ffs74]

You've possibly been a bit naive but you sound like a lovely stepmum!
To be blunt, what would be the likely situation if you separated? In my situation, even if dh & I had new partners, their stepdad would very much still be in their lives. He has lived full time with them for over 10 years and so both dc see him as their other parent.
It's tough! Do you want dc of your own?

[C1239]

I have never not seen us as a family it is just throw away comments that have been said recently by people at work that have made me over think things.
I see myself as their step mum, i'm really hands on with them (their dad is too but happy for me to be as involved as i like), i help with homework, have some day trips out by myself with them, we have family holidays etc. Their Mum has said to my partner she sees me as their step mum. By the aunt/godmother comment i just meant growing up that has always appealed to me more than full time mum role if that makes sense.
Its just horrible thinking i have been silly enough to think of us as a family and treat them like my own when one day we could split up. I feel like i've thrown myself into it 100% and got great relationships with them as a result but have been a bit naive?