Ungrateful stepkids- need a rant!

[MichelleC69]

Does anyone else ever feel like step parenting is a completely thankless task? I have the most ungrateful stepsons on the planet. Just spent ages cooking a lovely dinner from scratch (after working all day). Youngest one (12) pushes his food round his plate and then says he doesn't like it (even though he ate the exact same thing 2 weeks ago) and eldest (17) scoffs the lot without a word and then fucks off back to his room. Only one who thanks me and says it was lovely was my daughter.

I just feel like they take their lovely clean house/good healthy food on the table every night/washing done etc etc completely for granted. They don't have to lift a finger and I'm just fed up of running round after the ungrateful little shits sometimes!

Aaaaand breathe....maybe I'm expecting too much.

Bring your undies to you to check? That’s grim. Maybe your OH should be doing that. My DP would be embarrassed if was needing to that for his dc and vice versa.

Orrrrrr - maybe teach the children about bum wiping? I am a bit baffled they can’t manage that at this age tbh... unless they have medical or learning needs obvs

Hopeless - why are you taking time off (in the school) holidays to look after them? That’s for their parents to sort out.

Funny I was trying to get DC to do something and DH thought I was just moaning - so evertytiem they asked for X or Y I sent them to ask DH instead

He’s now fed up!!! And moanng. I just shrugg!!

Change your DH attitude first -he shops he cooks he cleans - he did it before you married so he can do it now

* for once his dad found it first and is now fuming at having to clean up pee*

Would this be a way forward for you? It might go against the grain but it really is what needs to happen, so that he understands your point of view better

I appreciate that it is tough, but this is the answer to 'when did you last say something nice about my kids'

Properly parenting in order to raise good, kind independent and loving adults is hard

All the best

Yep, totally @finallyhere. This is my new strategy. I am officially on strike when it comes to cleaning up after the stepkids - I have to do it for my own sanity!!

😀

Oh god - this thread is making me laugh & weep at the same time. I have to say the one thing that I really dread about dp's kids visiting is the toilet stuff. At 19, 16 & 13 not one of them is capable of peeing in the toilet - it's disgusting. I have two boys and honestly training them to aim is NOT that difficult. My 22 year old lives away but last time he was home dp's kids were here & he was gagging at the state of the loo.
Dp was mortified.
@Hopeless25 I would pass the undie checking on to your dp & @MichelleC69 I REALLY feel for your poor dd. My dd also finds this horrifying.

Unfortunately it never gets any easier. I have a 19 year old DSS who doesn’t know how to flush the toilet. Most mornings he’s with us I wake to find wee in the toilet. If it’s a “longer”visit there’s ALWAYS marks. I can’t bear it! DSD is not a great deal better.

I honestly think they need shaming into doing it. I have been known to stand in the bathroom furiously yelling CAN WHOEVER HAS LEFT THE TOILET IN THIS STATE COME AND DEAL WITH IT IMMEDIATELY!! They soon come scurrying out of their rooms, filthy pigs.

Hahaha Oh my word it is so good to vent to ppl who actually understand. It is such a relief!!! My DP just doesn't follow through with anything as he feels the times with us should be fun. And no there are no medical issues despite laziness. I am terrified for when DSS goes through puberty I AM SOOOOOO NOT DEALING WITH THAT TOILET DISASTER.

@MichelleC69 I agree. We share a bathroom and I literally have a Dettol spray in hand when I go in and I have no shame in doing it. Basic hygiene is not something to be negotiated on.

@IdaDown it started the first holiday he spent with us when DP and I moved in together, I couldn't work so child care was left to me, the following school holidays followed suit and now it's an expectation.

Correction to puberty comment DSD not DSS I refuse to deal with what may come during those delightful days.

You need to think about what it is that is within your power to do and what isn't.
You can't make them like your food. You can't make them grateful or polite.
You can model good behaviour. You can be friendly. You can ask your dp to reinforce your expectations.

Have had a chat with DP today and he has said that I should treat them as my own and tell them off . Not quite sure how that is going to work out though and TBH HE needs to take the lead role. Men just want an easy life .

Yep. I think men want an easy life. If they see the woman cooking/cleaning they think ‘Woop it’s all covered’ including the emotional work and the actual Bringing Up of Kids. All part of the invisible world of Wifework. It’s not a dangerous assumption in a first family (although it IS annoying). But it is a toxic assumption in step families..

Thing with my DH is, he totally sees it as his responsibility to pick these things up with his kids. But then doesn't do it. And is irritated when I raise things with him as it's seen as criticism of him/the kids. I can't win.

I feel your pain on the toilet situation.

My 2 SDC (11 & 14) are also unable to flush the toilet. It’s disgusting. Apparently mummy deals with it at home!

I recently woke up and went to the bathroom to find an un-flushed toilet AGAIN and literally lost my shit.... called them both into the bathroom and asked them who had left the toilet in this state? They looked at each other and one replied it must have been daddy (yep they still call their parents mummy & daddy which TBH I find strange at their age)..... Anyway I know this isn’t true as their dad is OCD about cleaning and bleaches the loo after use. I spun on my heals and told them to decide who the phantom shitter was and to deal with it.

It frightens me how these kids are not developing the skills to become independent adults (and not through my lack of trying). They have no interest whatsoever. Asked the 14 year old to come over on the train this week and her mum stepped in and said no. Too dangerous apparently for a 14 year old to take a 30 min train ride on her own. Apparently too young to travel on her own. God knows how these kids will ever become independent.

Hi OP, your thread has hit a MASSIVE chord with me because you sound like my DH. I have 2 DCs, he is their step dad, and we have exactly the same arguments as you describe, even down to the 'toilet crimes' and underlying resentment we both feel sometimes.

I react much like your husband. I often feel DH only ever criticises the kids, and rarely notices when they do something good or kind. I am not a pushover parent by any means, but when I hear "X is so selfish/ungrateful/thoughtless", it brings out the defensive in me. It feels like constant moaning sometimes. I feel defensive because I interpret it as criticism of me as a mother. That I have somehow brought up feckless kids. Which I haven't.

On many occasions I have asked him to criticise the behaviour, not the identity of the DCs. If he called them "filthy pigs" like you did in an earlier post on this page, I wouldn't be able to see past that judgement on their identity. Whereas when he says "one of the DCs have left a dirty toilet", I also get cross with them and enforce cleaning it up.

My kids do a lot around the house - they cook, they do cleaning chores, and they always help clear away after dinner. They aren't teens who are going to grow up incapable. I am regularly complimented on what delightful teens they are, and how they are helpful and polite. It sometimes feels that DH wants them to be perfect, and never make a mistake. It is a big stress for us in our marriage tbh.

I have tried to explain lots of times that I need to hear the positive as well as the negative.

I don't know if that helps, but I thought maybe it would be useful to hear the perspective of a parent in the same situation.

If not, it helped me to get it out!!!

Thanks it does help to see the other side. And in my defense I would never call them 'filthy pigs'to him as that's obviously very insensitive and inflammatory. I have said that I will work on finding the positives as well as the negatives, if he will take more responsibility for reprimanding them so that I'm not always the bad guy.

I do understand what you're saying - if he was constantly complaining about my daughter I would take it personally. So you've helped - thanks.

(I'm still not cleaning their shit/pee up though!!!!!)

Can you talk to birth mums. If my dcs were visiting and leaving messes I would want to know. I would ask them if this is how they treat mum

Unfortunately she's a compete wet blanket. Does everything for them and her house is a tip anyway so she probably doesn't care.

t frightens me how these kids are not developing the skills to become independent adults (and not through my lack of trying). They have no interest whatsoever. Asked the 14 year old to come over on the train this week and her mum stepped in and said no. Too dangerous apparently for a 14 year old to take a 30 min train ride on her own. Apparently too young to travel on her own. God knows how these kids will ever become independent.

TBH I think this is used by exes to make life as difficult as possible for the man moving on in his life even if they wanted a divorce . We have the same thing . They use children as a weapon.

He's given you permission to tell them off as a pass out for himself. He doesn't want the hassle.

My step children do that infuriating thing of refusing to eat something that they gobbled down last time. If I have already cooked it then I just refuse to cook anything else, just as I do to my own son.