Ungrateful stepkids- need a rant!

[MichelleC69]

Does anyone else ever feel like step parenting is a completely thankless task? I have the most ungrateful stepsons on the planet. Just spent ages cooking a lovely dinner from scratch (after working all day). Youngest one (12) pushes his food round his plate and then says he doesn't like it (even though he ate the exact same thing 2 weeks ago) and eldest (17) scoffs the lot without a word and then fucks off back to his room. Only one who thanks me and says it was lovely was my daughter.

I just feel like they take their lovely clean house/good healthy food on the table every night/washing done etc etc completely for granted. They don't have to lift a finger and I'm just fed up of running round after the ungrateful little shits sometimes!

Aaaaand breathe....maybe I'm expecting too much.

Yep, sounds very familiar @thestuffedpenguin. The other week, the only find the youngest actually addressed Mr at all was to inform me we'd run out of something. So that's who I am to them - the provider of 'stuff'. Like you, my daughter has never been like this and has manners. Makes me so angry.

This stuff is so hard.

I think gender roles being what they are - it’s a rare thing to find a man who is the Primary Parent doing the gruntwork, setting boundaries, enabling the kids to become independent.

Mostly fathers are pretty hapless and allow stepmums to take all the strain, do the emotional and physical work, love the children, facilitate family life. At the same time stepmums are silenced (for fear of being accused of hating said children) and sidelined from any say in how those kids in her house should be raised or what the expectations should be.

I really feel for stepmums trying to do the best in really difficult circs. I am coming to the conclusion that blending isn’t for me due to DP having a daughter who is about to turn 18 with no GSCES or other qualifications. Her life is spent in her room on her computer, watching films. Being ferried about to see friends, going to gigs. Her parents are happy to support this. It’s such a waste and I’m not risking my independence and stability by going anywhere near it. Sounds harsh but it’s not worth it. If we moved in I would have to accept the possibility of a permanent dependent adult or watching my love for DP turn to hatred and have to separate and move out.

I am just figuring out how the hell I break this to my DP. Two houses is a ball ache but it’s better than risking my stability and a peaceful home.

It's very hard, you're right. I lived on my own (with DD) for 6 years, 5 of those I was with my (now) husband and was completely independent. I didn't need him for money or anything, and I really enjoyed the nights I had on my own just to chill and please myself. I honestly thought we wouldn't get married until the children had all grown up. When he proposed it came out of nowhere. How do you turn that down if you love that person? I wish you all the best with what you decide, but do what's right for you.

Thanks, OP. It’s a fraught decision and it’s not easy at all. Luckily I feel there’s no danger of DP proposing so all ok there! It’s not enough to just sleepwalk into something impossible hoping love will see us through. If we are to blend he’ll need the guts to pull his head out of the sand re his dd. And if he isn’t doing it now then that’s all I’ve got to go on. I’m probably best of telling him now because right now he knows I care about her so it can come from a kinder place. Better that than having another home fall apart and another divorce. The question is where that leads us now as a couple. Neither of us like the constant shuttle between locations. But I think we will have to Come to terms with that. Much as our kids to.

• do

The eldest is off to uni. He needs to start cooking including shopping. DS is using a student cookbook and cooking for us. That's something that would benefit you all.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00H000I50/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

michelle that is exactly that - we are a provider of stuff - usually food , bedding and towels . Yes you do feel as if you can't say much directly to them ( after all I have been there and done this ) but did venture a couple of things last weekend . I suspect that he may be thinking Dad's change of face with all of this is due to me - well so be it ! I think part of it is that when Dads are in their own place with them say at weekends they are literally just getting by on take aways etc and then when there is a move in together it is a different ballgame . Suddenly these kids have to adhere to rules , ones that may not be the same as at home with Mum .

Hi @MichelleC69 - my dp's 3 are nice kids (19, 16 & 13) but like your dscs they are thoughtless & rude (in that thoughtless teenage way) & totally self absorbed. Thank you's are non existent!

One thing I have observed over the years is that the wider family narrative spun by their dm, her family & dp's extended family is one of "poor dp's kids, how they have/are suffering by being victims of divorce" & "their dm is fragile & can't do too much." 🙄.

As a result NO ONE calls them accountable for anything & it's like they all have some form of arrested development. They have been babied and mollycoddled by everyone over the years & have been waited on hand and foot to the extent that they can literally do nothing for themselves bar make a sandwich.
For eg. Dp recently told the eldest he couldn't collect him from something & to take public transport. Eldest didn't like this so he rang his aunt (dp's unmarried sister) & she made a 2 hour round trip to collect him all because he wouldn't take the bus! He's 19!!!!
This is just one of many similar things that go on all. the. time. Dp isn't always great but he does pull them up on stuff. Exw then gets on the phone & accuses him of being mean to them & of abandoning them for his new family (me & my kids), conveniently forgetting they were divorced before we met; that dp keeps a house in her town so that he can spend quality time with his kids without me & my kids, & that my kids have a very good relationship with their dad & are not looking to steal dp away from his kids!
I genuinely feel really sorry for these boys because by making them victims, all the adults in their lives are doing them a huge disservice & are curtailing their development into functioning, happy adults. They expect everything handed to them on a plate (& don't even get me started on the financial stuff) & are going to get some shock in the real world when not everyone will dance to their tune.
Dp technically lives with me but he keeps the aforementioned house at great expense, because we both know that our respective kids are being reared way too differently to make anything bar the odd weekend or holiday together a success.
Dp is firm with them but I can see that they have learned to play dp & his ex off against one another so he's not as firm (& admits this) as he should be as he "feels bad for them".
Funny how no one ever feels bad or sorry for my kids who's df ran off with the ow & then went on to have two more kids! My kids being sane & happy is also obviously a total freak of nature & has nothing to do with careful post divorce parenting on my part or that of their df!
The only way I can protect my sanity is to stay out of it as much as I can. I know dp knows mistakes have been made but I also know he feels it's too late to change the dynamic of dependency that has developed between his exw, the kids, her family & his family & possibly he's right, & I understand that he doesn't want to spend all his time with them at loggerheads. But still.........
However I find the whole situation head-wrecking as I am very independent, as are my kids, as are my extended family. And this sort of codependent victim behaviour is very foreign to me & I really do find it bewildering.
I know I'll probably get flayed for this post by the MN sm morality police 🙄.

And these boys (and girls) are going to start popping up on here in a few years as emotionally abusive partners or entitled adult babies who don't know how to function as adults

I think at the current trajectory my DP’s dd is unlikely to ever leave home though - eek.

Oh God. If mine don't leave home they're staying at their mum's permanently. I'm not even joking.

Just laughing inwardly as youngest has just pissed all over the toilet seat and floor and for once his dad found it first and is now fuming at having to clean up pee. Sorry, but it's right cheered me up!

Oh, and he didn't flush. Obvs.

Your partner needs to speak to them about respect but don’t take it personally I think it’s the hormones and makes them that certain way.

But good to vent on here so it saves an argument at home!

Sorry but I'm not buying the hormones thing. My daughter is 16 and is a hotbed of hormones. But that doesn't make her forget her manners.

I think at the current trajectory my DP’s dd is unlikely to ever leave home though - eek.

Oops. Double post. Sorey

And spelling fail.

Just wanting to add that I have these struggles with my own kids though - the needing reminding to clear up after themselves, the moodiness and lack of gratitude. That I am there only to serve their needs (although when it comes to it they know I am human too). So I think some of this just comes with the territory of teens... just that in a step situation one relies on the dad to have the authority and the wit with the kids and to 100% back you up. Sadly this is often lacking. At least with my own kids I can lose it with them and impose sanctions or ‘insentives’ or withdraw services.

Hi everyone,

I need a rant. Not sure if I am being unreasonable but I am soooo annoyed right now I don't know what to do. Also I am not too clued up on abbreviations so pls forgive me. Ss (14) visits his dad and I 1 week during school holidays, but this last holiday he was given the option to come visit and opted out when asked why he said: "Because you gave me the choice". Fair enough, I had been more than annoyed on previous visits as the expectations are over the top and if you aren't spending $100+ on his entertainment PER DAY he msgs his mum constantly saying how bored he is. Also we recently found his instagram account where on his last visit he had moaned and had a countdown until home time. So gratitude is something we are not too clued up on, clearly. Today the dad gets a msg stating that he would be coming for a visit ( to get his bday present no doubt) and he has given a list of demands for activities for him to do sans me. Now I understand wanting special one on one time with a parent and all of that but what drives me insane is that I will be the one caring for him, entertaining him and giving up work to look after him and then to be told oh he wants to do ABC without me. Also note these activities are also very pricey. Perhaps I am over reacting but I just feel like the slaps in the face NEVER stop coming my way and my partner just allows it because he is too scared to rock the boat.

He sounds like an ungrateful, entitled little shit, @hopeless25. You are not wrong to feel annoyed. There's a real theme developing here with stepkids! I also agree with someone else who mentioned stepkids being treated with kid gloves because their parents have gone through a divorce. Get a grip - shit happens, and people deal with it. Divorce is not the end of the world and kids are very resilient, but I think some choose to use it to their advantage.

Thanks @MichelleC69 I really needed to rant. It's not only the total disregard with which he treats me but he hurts his father constantly by his transparent use and abuse attitude. And obviously I have zero say over what he does anyway... I'm just the damn help.

So update on the rant. Had a chat to my partner and it was shrugged off saying well what must I do about it...Argghh Does it ever get better??????

11/17 year olds needing reminded to flush a toilet? That's just vile, basic life skills seem to be missing or they are just ignorant entitled brats.

@Bookworm4 Hahaha I totally agree DSD 11 and DSS 10 both always shit in their undies / on the floor / toilet seat or fail to clean their bums so much so that I now have to tell them to bring their undies to me to check before they go in my washing machine....that has curbed the problem slightly as the BM (Biological Mum??) started doing the same but got lazy and now I'm back to square one.

@hopeless
I'm speechless😱
How do these parents think these kids will go out into the world? Jesus wept!

It's disgusting. And my poor daughter has to share a bathroom with them. She's been known to flush after them but I've told her not to and to call them out on it so that they'll (hopefully) be ashamed.