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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex wife asks to see our toddler

25 replies

Anuta77 · 27/05/2019 03:49

My DH has known his ex#1 since teenage years, so even after 13 years of separation, they are "like brother and sister". Their sons (16.5 and 19) rarely come to visit, so he goes every week to spend time with them and obviously, if the ex is there, they interact. So, I'm learning that the ex who saw our 20 month old maybe 4-5 times, always asks about him and asks that he brings him. This weekend, the 16 year old SS, who's very close to his mother, came to visit. He played a bit with the toddler, but was mostly on his phone.

On Sun, when my DH brings his children back, he first drops me and my 2 children (only the toddler is his) at my mom's place (35 min away), then continues 20-25 min to his DD's place (daughter from ex#2), then continues 10-15 min to SS's place (ex#1), spends 1-2 hours there, then goes back to my mom's to pick us up, then we all go back to our town.

So, when we arrive to my mom's place, SS starts asking if the toddler can continue with them to his place, so his mom can see him, because she loves him very much. When I refuse and explain why (just the road is way too long, not to mention that he has to eat, have his diapers changed, bathed and be ready to sleep on our way back home, I also bring him to a parc, there's no way my DH who will be concentrated on his older kids will think about all this), SS starts arguing. This happened already twice, he's not getting it. I think that after the whole weekend with him when he didn't take advantage of playing with him, he wants him at his place for 1 hour to please his mother.

How would you handle a very insisting teenager who always thinks that he knows better than me and who obviously loves him mother?

And just to vent: I find it extremely pretentious on the ex's part to just ask to "bring the baby". If she wanted to see him, she could either invite us as a family or come herself, but sitting on her butt in her house and expect that the baby is brought to her on a silver platter?? What is she thinking??

OP posts:

MrsElizabethShelby · 27/05/2019 07:47

Your being a bit wierd about this tbh. If their relationship is as good as you say and they care for each other as brother and sister why would it be wierd that she wants to meet her child's sibling?

Yes she could invite you as a family but maybe she knows you wouldn't want to go...

SuperCraft · 27/05/2019 07:54

I actually agree with you. Your DC is nothing to do with her apart from being her DC's sibling. Your SS got to spend the whole weekend with your DC. It would be different if you were all friendly and you popped round with your DC. I also find it odd that your DH spends so much time with his ex. Why, after your SS had spent the weekend with you does he then need to spend another hour or two at their house?

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 27/05/2019 07:58

Why does the nearly 17 year old need his Dad to not only drop him off but also stay for a couple of hours?

user1474894224 · 27/05/2019 08:02

Why not suggest ex wife comes to your mothers location so you can all go to the park and have coffee. And she can then take older boy home.

thisisacrazyidea · 27/05/2019 08:08

Whilst it’s obviously difficult for you, I’d be grateful that your child has so many adults in his life who love him. Many children aren’t so fortunate. Can you not view ex1 as a kind of auntie, in which case it would be normal for her to see her nephew?

Minty · 27/05/2019 08:48

Weird. I can't imagine demanding to see my exP's child. In fact, I've only had one glimpse of him during a handover. Like PPs I do wonder why your DH spends so much time at his ex's.

For the SS, I would just say no he's welcome to come to yours if he wants to spend time with your DS.

Magda72 · 27/05/2019 08:54

No! Why view her as a kind auntie? She has NO interest in your other child, only in her exh's offspring which is beyond weird imo.
My 3 kids have two half siblings. They are two lovely little kids who I always interact with if I see them at drop offs but beyond that they have NOTHING to do with me & I wouldn't dream of stepping on their mums toes by carrying on the way your oh's ex does. There's a huge lack of boundaries there from all of them (the exw, your dss & your oh) & if I'm right there are also some boundary issues with your dsd.
The common denominator here is your oh & maybe he's just one of life's friendly, easygoing people which is fine - but it seems to be making your life quite difficult & you and your ds seem to be treated like everyone's 'property'.

funinthesun19 · 27/05/2019 09:42

If my stbx’s ex demanded to see my children I would have to put my foot down. It’s the assumption she has a right to see them that would be a bit weird

Yanbu. If you don’t like it you have to speak up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2019 11:32

Weird, you’re not wrong at all. Your child is yours and his dad’s. DSS can try to insist all he likes but you’re the only one putting a hungry tired toddler first. He’s a person, not a bloody doll. If the ex is so keen to be chummy she can invite you all over. If she’s not then she doesn’t get to see your son.

If she and your husband want to be friends (or like siblings, but yuck) that’s between them and sod all to do with your son.

I’d call time on this strange dynamic.

What does your husband say to his ex wanting to see DS?

Not a chance in hell my DSC mum is getting anywhere near my DD. She’s a bad enough influence on her own kids and it’s my job to keep my DD surrounded by nice normal people. Thankfully my husband agrees.

Banhaha · 27/05/2019 11:57

Sounds very odd her wanting to spend time with your child. It's nothing to do with her. You wouldn't spend time with her children if it wasn't for the fact you are with her ex.

I'm also not sure why your OH needs to spend a couple of hours doing the drop off for children that age! He needs to be careful he's not giving the children ideas that they might get back together.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 27/05/2019 14:07

Isn’t the child’s grandmother rather missing out in this scenario?

pikapikachu · 27/05/2019 14:36

What does your h say? He sounds suspiciously quiet- I'd be wondering if he had known or suggested it but said to ask you as he's too chicken?

Original poster

Anuta77 · 27/05/2019 15:39

My DH thinks that his ex (actually both of them) truly care about him and he thinks that ex#1 cares about our son as well. He already told me that if she wants to feel like an auntie, she can. It's a long story and we almost broke up over this. Since then, they are more respectful. I made peace with the ex for the sake of the boys and invited her several times to our house (the only way to have both sons at our house together and to let them spend time with the toddler).
That's why my partner spends time there, because if he has one son over, he still wants to spend time with the other. The boys don't expect them to get back together, it's just very convenient for everyone except my partner, but he says that it was his choice not to disturb his son's lives after separation (13 years ago).

My partner and his son speak Cuban which I understand only partially. Actually SS asked my partner to bring the baby, not me, but I intervened and my partner didn't say much. And he says that he doesn't remember what he told his ex. Probably that the toddler is too attached to me now.

I guess I wasn't giving SS the right reasons as to why our son can not just go there to be shown to his mother. I'm always trying to be very diplomatic with my partner's children and because of that, they think they can just tell me what to do and argue with me about things that are not children's business. I told him that he and his brother are much older and can come visit themselves and he said that my mom is older too (she's almost 70!), so she can also visit, because just like her, they (the boys) don't have a car....

Next time, I'll tell him that we are a family. They have known my older son for 5 years, played with him a lot, he even tried to put my son against my rules, so either they invite all of us because we are a family or the'll just see the toddler when they come over.

I have nothing against the ex wanting to interact with my son, but I find it disrespectful to single out one family member. She also interacted with my older son, hugged him, kissed him, etc. and while I understand the interest in only my partner's son, I'm sick of them playing families and I won't be diplomatic anymore.

OP posts:

Snappedandfarted2019 · 27/05/2019 15:45

To be honest it all sounds so messy with the amount of kids he has with various women, he has clearly no boundaries and should be seeing his DC all together so the siblings have an opportunity to have a relationship with one another to going to to one set then another.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 27/05/2019 15:48

SD was also asking to bring the toddler when he was a baby to her mom several times, despite me inviting her mother to our place and also going there a couple of times. Her mother would just take our baby without even asking me, snap pictures with him and finally asking him (3 month old) why he didn't take his father's eyes.
So I stopped going there and she hasn't seen him for over a year. So much for caring. That didn't prevent her from insisting (texting and calling) that my partner receives her congratulations for our son's 1st bday and profusely apologizing that she forgot the actual date...

OP posts:

RB68 · 27/05/2019 15:48

Just say the toddler needs time with his Nanny - end of

Original poster

Anuta77 · 27/05/2019 15:50

He normally makes sure that his 2 sons and his daughter see each other, that's why he first goes to SD's place, often takes her to SS's place, they spend time there together, then he brings SD back. That's on weekends when she doesn't come over (she comes EOW). His sons used to come EOW at the same time as SD when they were younger, but now they have gfriends, go out with friends, so they don't want to spend a whole weekend in our house regularly.

I guess SD will stop coming soon too, she's starting to miss her friends, before she was happy playing with my older son (almost the same age) and his friends.

OP posts:

magicBrenda · 27/05/2019 15:56

These women are weird.

I’d be distancing myself from this batshit lot.

Your husband is the real issue here, he seems to love the thought of one blended family with him at the centre.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 27/05/2019 16:25

What worries me is that I look like the one preventing a relationship between siblings (over the years, I've been made to feel crazy and jealous because I don't understand this relationship between the exes) when I just don't think that my son has to travel all this distance strapped in a rear facing car seat and have his needs not to be taken care of just to visit older capable teenagers who put their own needs first and don't come over. Or letting the ex being at the center of my partner's family. I know she wouldn't support this were she in my shoes.

OP posts:

magicBrenda · 27/05/2019 16:29

Anuta77 who cares what any of these women think? Their opinions should mean fuck all to you, it only matters because your husband is not discouraging it and that’s what’s making you second guess

I’d be really pissed of with him to be honest. It sounds like he loves the attention.

Eisley · 28/05/2019 12:42

My partners ex wants to meet our baby and is mighty annoyed that she hasn't after 4 months. But I don't see see what right she has, I think it's weird.

Foxmuffin · 28/05/2019 19:22

Corrr if this is how your DH behaves no wonder he is on babymomma #3...

The whole thing is a bit strange. Why does he need to visit the ex when his children are now much older? Can they not meet out and about? Lunch? A hobby?

Taking your son to his exes, again, totally unnecessary.

SandyY2K · 29/05/2019 12:01

Rather cheeky of the him to say your mum is old enough as well.

I remember you posting about your SD thinking she was your DSs mum and trying to overule you with parenting.

It all sounds stressful and tiresome tbh.

Cheeseandwin5 · 29/05/2019 12:11

Instead of worrying about your own hurt ego, how about consider how your attitude will effect the children. You are obviously jealous of his ex and are trying to put up barriers, but I think the only ones to be really hurt here will be the kids.

Banhaha · 29/05/2019 18:45

@Eisley I think it depends how it's asked, if it's a "I thought it might be nice to meet the new baby, would you be up for that" I might agree, but it would be meeting me and the baby. That's a lot different to coming across entitled with a right to see the baby -That would just make me want to say no. And I can't see why they'd get so upset if I said no. My child is nothing to do with her.

@Cheeseandwin5 - it just sounds like boundaries are very blurred in this case. I'm not sure what the 20 month year old is going to get out of a relationship with it's step siblings mother.

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