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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Struggling to be around step children

14 replies

DoodleWorm · 24/05/2019 18:47

I'm really struggling to be around DH's children at the moment and I feel awful about it.

We have been TTC for 2 years and I've lost a few pregnancies in that time (last week being the latest).

It's really hard watching H be a parent when we are going through this and it's all I want in the world. I'm currently on anti depressants and seeing a therapist, I'm really struggling.

I'm not sure what to do. I try so hard to be normal around them. I don't dislike them, not at all. But it's a constant ache in my heart when they are around. Sometimes I manage it okay and others I have to make plans to be out of the house and go see my family/friends.

I don't know whether to even talk to DH about this, he can't change anything so what would be the use? The last thing I want to do is make him feel guilty.

I just find myself wishing that we could go off for a nice holiday to relax and de-stress from all this crap just us but I know that's unfair Sad

I love him so much and honestly, before all this I would have said I love the children too. But now I just have a gut wrenching sick feeling when I imagine going through my whole life watching him parent if I never can. Watching him go to parents evenings, school plays, eventually be a grandad maybe etc... I just don't feel part of his 'family'. I feel like someone on the outside looking in and it's horrible.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 24/05/2019 19:05

You poor thing. I'm so sorry for what you're going through - this must be so, so difficult for you. I don't think it's unfair of you at all to want a holiday/break just the two of you & I do think you should strive for that. No, he can't change the fact he has kids but he also chose a relationship with you & your needs are just as important as those of his kids in this particular instance.
I think you will need to talk to him about how you're feeling & maybe your therapist can help you with how to speak to him about this so as to try your best not to make him feel guilty?
What you're going through is hard enough & I can only imagine being around anyone else's kids let alone a partner's would be so difficult.
Thanks

Aroundtheworldandback · 24/05/2019 21:15

You are absolutely within your rights to have a holiday just the two of you- nothing whatsoever wrong with that. I don’t obvs know him but I don’t think it would be too hard for him to understand the impact of the struggles you are having.

Original poster
DoodleWorm · 25/05/2019 09:33

Thank you.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I could talk to him but it won't change anything, the kids won't stop being here (which is not what I'm suggesting at all).

It's just so hard to know the right thing to do.

I could suggest we go on holiday but then no one else knows what's going on and I imagine his ex would not be very happy if we didn't offer to take the children away with us. It would look like we were just off on a jolly to the outside world.

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 25/05/2019 09:46

I'm so sorry to hear ehat you're going through, it must be really hard.

On a practical level, could you and your DH go away when his ex takes the children away? Or perhaps he could just be (partially) honest with her and say you're going through some stuff and you need time away just the two of you.

Do the children live with you full time?

StCharlotte · 25/05/2019 09:48

Also, you're a couple in your own right - you're allowed to go off on a jolly on your own!

Flowers
Original poster
DoodleWorm · 25/05/2019 10:47

They are with us 3 nights a week

OP posts:
shazchip · 25/05/2019 12:08

My SC are with us every Friday and alternate weekends, but we've never taken them on holiday abroad with us (only in the UK). When we want a trip away we first check with DH's ex-wife if she's ok to keep them for that time, and it's usually fine or we plan a different date. It's pretty normal for us and I don't see why it would be an issue provided you all have an amicable relationship and do favours for each other.

Summerorjustmaybe · 25/05/2019 12:15

Your marriage is also worth nurturing op. Not just his dc.
Imo..
Sorry for your losses.

Maybe83 · 25/05/2019 12:23

Book a few nights away, maybe not abroad if you feel that might be an issue.

A log cabin somewhere peaceful and quite and near a beach or lakes. I always find a trip like this is so good for my mental health the quite peace and give us time to talk and reconnect.

Maybe having some space you will feel able to open up. You need support and help now too x

Qweenbee · 25/05/2019 12:23

It's not unreasonable to have a holiday without the kids. Plenty of couples leave their full children behind occasionally. If you did it all the time then that might be unreasonable but what you are suggesting isn't.

YANBU to feel how you do but please, please hide this from the children as much as you can. Talk to DH but phrase it in such a way as you know you are being unfair and you don't blame him or them, but that you are just struggling at the moment.

Original poster
DoodleWorm · 25/05/2019 16:42

Thank you.

please, please hide this from the children as much as you can

Yes I do absolutely try my hardest to do this. I know it isn't their fault. I honestly believe they don't notice, our relationship is good and always has been, they seem to be their normal selves around me.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 26/05/2019 17:33

I have found that even if things can't change in that the kids will still come and stay, just talking to your partner is bound to help. He needs to know that you are suffering from your difficulty in conceiving. It is such an important issue for you at the moment.

Also, why on earth can't you go on holiday with your husband??? Surely you don't have to take the kids every time?!! That's not feasible. Do think again on this one.

Original poster
DoodleWorm · 29/05/2019 12:10

Also, why on earth can't you go on holiday with your husband??? Surely you don't have to take the kids every time?!! That's not feasible. Do think again on this one

We went once a few years ago and DH was given a bit of a hard time about it. He felt guilty after that.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 29/05/2019 12:38

DH and I go away without our own kids now and again. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you want a child free break.

I know that isn't the biggest issue going on though.

Long term you need to figure out whether you can continue to be in a relationship with a man who has DC and you don't.

The same thing nearly broke my DB and SIL, as he felt she was becoming resentful of his DC and wishing they didn't exist, which as you can imagine didn't go down well with him, as he loves them dearly.

She would say it's okay for him because he has DC and not having more wasn't affecting him as much as her.

Battling with conception and fertility is enough to break you down and damage relationships.

I don't want to say more about their situation, but feel free to PM me, as things have progressed with them.

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